Charlotesville, VA — First-year University of Oregon head coach Mark Helfrich this week danced around the question of whether whether the O-shaped holes installed in the shower and tub rooms are, in fact, glory holes better than his quarterback Marcus Mariota can samba around the pass rush.
Hoping to focus on the task at hand, making sure the majority of Duck fans know to subtract three from the game’s 3:30 p.m. EST start time against the Caviliers, Helfrich grew frustrated at the glory hole line of questioning.
“I’m a big fan of the Porky’s series,” Mr. Helfrich admitted. “When Best Buy started selling the two-pack of Porky’s and Porky’s II for like $5.99, I was all over it. I even bought an extra copy for the office and a bunch for my staff.”
When asked whether the O-shaped holes were, in fact, used for ease of pleasuring of male genitalia, Helfrich turned stone-faced, “I do not endorse the installation of glory holes in our new multi-million-dollar facility nor condone their use as a recruiting tool,” he said. “Besides, anonymous sex is what we built the dorms for.”
The $68 million Hatfield-Dowlin Complex, which looks like a giant Orthodontists complex near downtown Ventura, opened in August.
The 145,000-square-foot facility was funded by perma-donor and sometime cobbler Phil Knight and his wife, Penny. Sports Illustrated was the first publication to run pictures of the new facility which featured conspicuous ‘O’-shaped holes in convenient places throughout the facility.
“We’ve tried to pleasure our players and recruits every way we know how,” university president Richard Lariviere conceded. “We’ve even trained the entire student body and alumni to make the ‘O’ shape with their hands and mouths. If you don’t think that comes in, well, handy, then you’ve got another thing coming. Pun intended.”
Lariviere said even though he and most of the school’s chancellors, faculty staff and even boosters are “fans of glory hole porn” that engineering a state-of-the-art facility to feature glory holes is “just too big a stretch.”
The University of Oregon football program first rose from the dregs of the then Pac-10 conference in the mid- to-late ’90s, about the same time its entire student body stopped dressing like unisex Gap lesbian coffee roasters.
The university slap on the wrist this summer NCAA for recruiting violations under former coach Chip Kelly who left at the end of last season to coach in the NFL, where glory holes are “an integral part of the game,” Kelly said.
“We just came to Virginia to beat the pants off the school that Thomas Jefferson started because there wasn’t University of Phoenix back then,” Helfrich said. “If there’s glory in that, then fine.”