NFL to step up testing for substances players have no interest in taking

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NEW YORK

Attempting to bolster his tough-guy image as steely sheriff of the nation’s most lucrative league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell clarified his hard-as-nails approach to testing for drugs players aren’t really interested in using today.

Goodell said today if a player in his league is dumb enough to get caught doing a drug that won’t turn him into a raging superhuman who is cutting his life short by years, decades even, then he has “no business in his league whatsoever.”

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“To be clear,” he said in an interview with ESPN Hoboken Tuesday, “our goal is to make these drug policies as transparent as possible. If you’re going to be one of those weed-smoking rastafaris we’d rather you stick to Madden in your hotel suite. If you’re gonna go down to TJ and score a bag of steroids like some West Texas high school second-string middle linebacker, we don’t need you in this elite sport.

“But if you’re willing to go out there and get real, board-certified docs moonlighting as human growth hormone (HGH) pushers …if you’re wiling to spend the money for the designer shit that’s going to improve your performance on the field and get you in enough trouble off of it to keep the league in the headlines year-round, then do we want you on our team? Hell yes!”

Goodell said he came into this league with an eye on doing two things: 1) handing out draconian punishments and sanctions for essentially meaningless actions that take place on the field and 2) ensuring the leagues trouble’s off it continue to be top-of-mind:

An example of this, he said, is five-figure fine players incur for not tucking in their jerseys or wearing pink during October “for cancer chicks’ titties or whatever” while promoting a $765 million settlement to former players for “headache medicine” and more than two dozen of its own arrested for felonies this offseason, including the cake-topper, New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who was arrested in July on suspicion of killing, execution style, a friend in a field less than a mile from his tony Connecticut home.

He also said making a “boatload of cash for all owners — including the self-aggrandizing ones of mediocre teams” — is priority number one in the league front office.

“Jerry Jones’s team hasn’t sniffed the playoffs for a half-decade and they’re worth more than $2 billion — or twice the GNP of the country we’re about to attack,” Goodell said. “How ’bout them Cowboys!”

No player using HGH is in danger of being suspended, or even tested this year, even as the league’s elite running back, Minnesota Vikings’ Adrian Peterson, spoke out against the policy this offseason (talking crazy about setting an example for the more than 70 million children who follow the game as well as evening the playing field.)

Buck-stops-here commish Goodell quashed Peterson’s remarks, saying there are a variety of new tests to address player abuse of league policy.

“We’re working on an ice cream-testing policy with the NFLPA,” Goodell said. “You’ve seen how big some of these linemen can get. If we limit their ice cream intake in the off-season. If we test for lactose intolerance, we can speed up the game. That’s the kind of forward-thinking league of enforcers we are.”

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