Hey Yahoo! quit fucking with your fucking logo.
Your new logo(s) (plural) is/are annoying the shit out of me and what’s worse, it’s fucking up my fantasy team.
That’s right. Why does Chris Johnson have zero teeders so far this year? Is it because I listened to both Use Your Illusions last night in order (first one than two) because I vowed to start listening to entire albums again and not on shuffle because listening to full albums is the shit and my attention span has increased 3,200 percent since last Thursday when I started this experiment and now I can make it all the way through all my girlfriend’s texts without just scrolling down to the bottom to the emoji just to see whether she’s mad at me and so I can write back ‘why isn’t there a piñata emoji?’ so she can be not mad and lol me back? NO. It’s not because of that.
Is it because maybe because Tennessee’s offensive line ranked 31st in the league in allowing total sacks and adjusted sack rate (I have no idea what adjusted sack rate is except for I think I did it a couple times when I shifted around at work today) last year? NO. They got a guard from Bama named Chance in the first round last year plus some free agents from like the Rams and Bills and that pretty much shored shit up for Johnson to run buckwild.
Is it because Chris Johnson has been in the league for six years and, for the record that means he was drafted before the first iPhone was released, which pretty much means that’s like older than fucking when Jesus was born to a single mom who was getting audited? NO. Yes, Johnson’s rookie year was BfiP (Before fucking iPhone). Like when he started where was no way for me to check his game stats or updates or make last-minute changes like fucking benching him because of your fucking logo.
Is it because he’s gone all Ricky Williams and has weed coursing through his fake dread weave and needs to go hide in the Sierras and do yoga and hire Master P as his agent? NO. He had that shit back when Brittany Murphy was still alive. And I know what you’re saying. You’re saying,’Shit, I just watched that one where she was dating Ashton Kutcher in an Urlacher jersey and they got married and shit went all crazy on their honeymoon and they didn’t have any movie chemistry so no wonder they broke up in real life.’ And I’m saying I especially liked the one with Dakota Fanning where she was able to be a rich-girl-turned-poor-girl-turned-au-pair-for-rich-girl …see that shit, full circle. And to have the same haircut for the entire time Brittany Murphy’s been gone from this Earth is pretty effin long. But that has nothing to do with anything besides the fact that it may be his real hair by now.
No, Yahoo! It’s your logo. All of them. They confuse me. I look at them every day (because they change every day) and all I can think of is, when are you gonna change back to the old one because, guess what? I won with the old one. And guess what? All the lackeys you hire to give bad advice were more right with the old one. And guess what? Chris Johnson rushed for 2006 yards with 5.6 yards per carry and 125.4 yards per game, broke Marshall Faulk’s century-old single season record with 2,509 total yards and 14 touchdowns — with the OLD one.
But every time I look at the top left-hand corner. Every time I hit refresh. It’s a new logo. It’s gotten so bad I’m not sure you’re even Yahoo! anymore or if you’re like Amanda Bynes, just something that used to be chubby cheeked and great and simple and embraced by all America and now is just a crazy-hot mess in a wig but isn’t fooling anyone.
So there it is Yahoo! quit messing with your logo. Quit messing with my livelihood. And give Chris Johnson back, please.