Exclusive: Interview with the BCS computer


College football’s tenth week kicks off the sixteenth and final season of the BCS Computer running shit.

The BCS-X3000 is set to meet its great reward in January as a full-time real-chicks-at-work porn server farm based in central Utah. Till then, Computer is hard at work crunching numbers and giving the ESPN guys something to talk about between Red Sox segments and RGIII analysis.

Computer was also kind enough to grant Death of the Press Box (DPB) an in-person interview Monday morning.

As inevitable as Botox and divorce in the Kardashian household, Computer put consensus No. 1 Alabama in the pole — two beers or .049 points above second-place Florida State.

Oregon, Ohio State and Missouri rounded out the top five.

Death of the Pessbox:
Computer, thank you for taking the time today. We know you’ve been busy.

BCS Computer: Thank you. We know you’re busy at work looking at Bleacher Report slide shows.

DPB: I don’t look at those, swear.

BCS: Bleacher Report is more annoying than the guy who’s always eating out of Tupperware at the gym.

DPB: They’ve got no love for you Computer, that’s for damn sure.

BCS: No joke. I like their WAGs stuff though, more airbrushing than on my van mural. It’s kind of cool. Reminds me of when I used to have a Maxim subscription.

DPB: Maxim. Ha. You are old-school Computer.

BCS: You’re forgetting, I came online in naughty eight.

DPB: Wow. Ninety eight. That’s like back when Will Smith got Jiggy wit it and MySpace wasn’t even invented yet.

BCS: I know. It’s like HOW many social media platforms have I outlived and still no love?

DPB: I can’t believe you’ve been in the game this long.

BCS: You’re telling me. I’m almost too old to date R. Kelly at this point.

DPB: I like your style BCS Computer. But let’s get to it, shall we?

BCS: Before we start I’ve got three words for you: AOL, Netscape, AltaVista – what do these three things have in common?

DPB: Got me Computer.

BCS: That was the predominant technology when I was invented. So clearly, if you’re gonna be like ‘you’re out of date BCS computer’ it’s like, yeah, no shit.

DPB: Good point.

BCS: But, I like to think of myself more like your college girlfriend. You think we’re gonna break up and it’s game on, but once I’m gone, you watch, you’ll give anything to come back and get with me just one more time. And I know even though you say you’ll be happier with the playoff system, you’re secretly gonna jerk off to me.

DPB: Guess time will tell.

BCS: Guess so.

DPB: …Alabama’s schedule is more watered down than a Jack and Coke at a five-dollar table. Thus far, the team named after my detergent has faced two ranked teams (soon-to-not-be-ranked Ole Miss and soon-to-be-even-more-not-ranked Texas A&M) and along with the in-conference over-rateds LSU (two losses) and Auburn, Private Gump’s alma mater has a handful of scrimmages left with the likes of Chattanooga, Mississippi State and Tennessee, the latter of whom third-ranked Oregon beat by 35. So why are they so clearly ranked number one?

BCS: SEC bro. Unless USC is somewhere in the top 10, I gots to go with the SEC team. Them’s the rules. I was coded in WebDNA and Rebol. You know what that means? It’s like I’m doing this in Sanskrit, ‘K. You can blame those coding nerds who did some kind of letter S- and letter C-mandatory command.

DPB: Appreciate your honesty.

BCS: Hey, I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m the only automated ranking system with a beer gut.

DPB: What’s with Florida State at no. 2? They’ve beaten unranked Pitt, Nevada, Betuhne-Cookman (which I mistook as the last name of one of the admins here.)

BCS: Funny.

DPB: Thank you. Granted, the ‘Noles took down uh, Clemson, but besides Miami and unranked Florida, Lee Corso Tech doesn’t have much of a schedule this year either.

BCS: It wouldn’t be any kind of party unless Florida is there ready to fuck shit up. Computer is friends with those chad machines that got fingered for effin up the 2000 election. Us bros gotta stick together.

DPB: Computer, could it be that the Pac 12 is a better conference than the SEC? I mean, you’ve got Oregon, Stanford, UCLA, Washington, Arizona State and Oregon State all in the top 25. Perennial national powerhouse USC isn’t even in the discussion and their head coach was knocked out of the box by week five. That’s how stacked it is. Not a Vandy, Miss St., Arkansas or Kentucky in the bunch.

I’m so damn hammered by the time any of those West Coast games start I’m all blacked out and have already done the rankings bro. You want accuracy, hire Nate Silver.

DPB: Let’s talk Mizzou, which is undefeated AND in the SEC. They had to get past number seven Georgia and number 22 Florida to get a look and will face number 21 South Carolina plus Texas A&M. …And yet they barely cracked your top five.

BCS: Hold up. Missouri is not in the SEC.

DPB: Yes they are.

BCS: No. Computer says no.

DPB: They’re first in the SEC East.

BCS: Oh, SEC East. That doesn’t count. Again, I was built in 1998 bro, the year the Plymouth Breeze came out. Would you drive that today? Do you even know what it is? Missouri was in the Big Eight then. Get it right.

DPB: How bout Ohio State? They’re undefeated as well and still in the Big 10, yet they’re on the way outside looking in at number four.

Now you’re just pullin’ my cord. If the Big 10 still exists then my name’s Bo Schembechler.

Bowl-eligible once more, the Buckeyes could win out and still end the season playing in the Rose Bowl for the actual Rose Bowl against the second-place Pac 12 team, not the Rose Bowl BCS game …against ‘Bama or a Florida school. ‘Splain that.

BCS: Now you’re just confusing me with this double Rose Bowl talk. See, that’s the thing. I just deal with math. Can’t you people understand that? I don’t CARE. You care.

DPB: Oregon beat Tennessee by five touchdowns and has back-to- back games coming up against number 12 UCLA and number 6 Stanford plus they finish the regular season facing in-state rival number 25 Oregon State and yet they’re not guaranteed a spot in the title game.

BCS: And we never saw Mayweather fight Pacquiao. Life sucks bro.

DPB: Flordia State is currently ranked ahead of Oregon. Yet if they were to play at Autzen tomorrow, Oregon would be a 25-point favorite. Can you explain this?

Dreamboat Joey Fatone is in Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off and that little kid with the frosted tips Timberlake is going to make more than $60 million this year. You tell me what’s fair.

DPB: n’Sync bro? C’mon.

BCS: I’m from ’98 bitch.

DPB: Computer, thanks for chopping it up.

BCS: Wait! Aren’t you going to ask me about my movie picks? I got the Oscar winners right here in my mainframe.

DPB: Um, Ok. Fine.

BCS: Best pic: Armageddon inches out Truman Show and Saving Private Ryan. Actor: Gwyneth Paltrow playing a hot dude with a ‘stache in Shakespeare in Love barely gets by Matt Dillon in Wild Things. Supporting Actor: Brett Favre in a little comedy coming out called Something About Mary. Animation: A Bugs Life, watch out for these Pixar guys and for Apple’s old CEO, Steve Jobs, who’s running the show over there — he’s going to make some big moves. Actress: Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary for rubbing Ben Stiller’s goo in her hair. Supporting Actress: Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski for putting Jeff Bridges’ goo in her.

DPB: Didn’t know you liked movies so much Computer.

BCS: They won’t let me have porn. So, gotta do something the other 50 weeks a year.

DPB: Thanks Computer.

BCS: No problem. ‘K, gotta go catch up on this new show I’ve been watching, called Sex and the City. Trust me. Groundbreaking with a cast of stone foxes.

The Standings:

1. Alabama (.984)
2. Florida State (.935)
3. Oregon (.932)
4. Ohio State (.855)
5. Missouri (.822)
6. Stanford (.741)
7. Miami (.720)
8. Baylor (.712)
9. Clemson (.625)
10. Texas Tech (.622)