Awww yeah, you know what time it is. It’s NFL playoff time.
Or in the words, of Hank Williams Jr., “We’ve got a Muslim for a President who hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!”
Oh, man — sorry about that, wrong Hank quote. What I (he?) meant to say is, “Are you ready for some NFL PLAYOFF football motherf*ckas!”
If the answer is “no” then you’re not alone. It takes me at least a few shopping days to get my NFL PLAYOFF gear on yo.
The last thing I want to do is show up to the NFL playoffs in last year’s Brandon Jacobs jersey looking all shocked and paranoid like Deanna Favre in 2008 when she was like, “Faith has gotten me through many difficult struggles. It will get me through this one,” after she found out her husband Brett was taking down his Wranglers to sext some woman who worked for the Jets …a woman named Faith.
Luckily, to avoid such embarrassment, my favorite nonprofit $14 billion/year sports league has a store on the internet open like 7-Eleven. That’s right, I can get my shizz in my virtual cart and check out as if I was buying some Yoohoo, Slim Jims and a box of Magnums just to impress the girl over there trying to fill up her Coke cup with Slurpee at 3 am.
And check it. The NFL shop has stuff JUST FOR THE PLAYOFFS YO! So you don’t have to mess around with all those twenty other chump teams that are sitting around waiting to watch the combine and be like “look how many pegs that guy can touch on the jump-high test.” Because you’re in this shit!
If you’re like me you’re gettin’ your shop on right effin now and you’ll be in all-new gear when tailgating at your local BWW come Sunday.
Here’s some of the stuff I just ordered that you should check too!
That’s the same Eifert who was targeted 59 effin times this year for 39 catches and two touchdowns. Guess what? The picture doesn’t show Eifert fumbling. Why? Because this Catholic ball catcher didn’t fumble once this year. Look at those gloves yo. And check the picture of the stadium in that collage.
You can even be like “I was at that game so really, this is a picture of me and Tyler bitch.” Oh, did I happen to mention this is a collage? And no, this isn’t your type of collage your niece made with a pony shitting a rainbow and a castle that looks like a trailer hitch. It’s the most real collage of all with a piece of an actual NFL football inside of it. Say WHAAAT? That’s right. A real piece of football that Tyler probably bit the end off in the end zone and drank it in like a Dew Code Red in yo FACE!
• Eagles fans. Whazzup Whazzup. Back in the Playoffs yo. First off, I took your suggestion and watched that dope-ass true-story about the Eagles going to the Super Bowl and that Bradley Cooper guy getting all mad about it during their playoff run and then he got to bang Katni$$ because she was an Eagles fan too. Awesome flick! So yeah, it’s good to see Philly back in the hunt — in real life.
Dunno about you, but I’m going to be sporting this little sick piece of awesome this Sunday just based on its name alone: The Philadelphia Eagles Knighted Gladiator Thermal — Black.
A few things going on here: It’s like who are the biggest badasses? Um, Gladiators. (Some of you will probably say Spartans but they don’t wear thermals, duh!) $o, check it. You take the most bad-ass guys and what do you do, you super-badass them and make them Knights like Paul McCartney. KNIGHTED GLADIATORS. That’s like Gladiators who got a promotion to wear armor and get to be street legal and shit.
Then you make them warm with a thermal. Then you put some sick shit on there like, I don’t know. Old English writing (check!). An eagle (double check). How bout some initials (C and C. That’s check and check.) Oh yeah, to show you’re not afraid to get in touch with your feminine side, a little cursive for the ladies (check.)
Don’t take my word for it. Crack open a Natty Ice and read this description of what you’re getting (for under 20 effin bonez!) at the NFL Shop: Lincoln Financial Field is their battleground, and they are the knights. (HELLS YEAH!) The football is the object of success and scoring touchdowns is a serious matter. (Um, obvi!) It’s not over until the end of the fourth quarter when the Philadelphia Eagles have proven victorious once again. (Straight-up motherf*ckas — tell me something I DON’T Know!) That’s what it has been like at every Eagles game since 1933. (aww hells yeah — I been a fan of these Gladiator Knights since the middle of the Depression — talkin’ Works Progress Administration BOOOYEEEE!) Celebrate your triumphant Eagles with this Knighted Gladiator long sleeve tee. (Shit yeah!) It features printed Philly-inspired graphics with metallic accents on both sides, (METALLIC YO!) along with the establishment year printed on the left sleeve with metallic accents (um, make that DOUBLE METALLIC!) Your Eagles are pretty daring (again, Houston to the USS Obvious, come in. Over.) every time they hit the field, and you’ll look just as bold at every game in this eye-catching shirt! (I’m bold just BEING an Eagles fan — but I feel you.)
Can you say A, T to the motherf*ckin C. (That’s Add to Cart for all you bitches that don’t talk computer.)
Available in 4x.
Aww yeah. You GOTS to get yo lid on. You can go with some regular New Era shiz and flatten the bill so flat you can iron on it. But what happens if you’re in San Diego and the mercury dips below 83 and your ears start to tingle.
Check the description: It’s hard for anyone to challenge your lively Chargers spirit. But when the temperature drops, your San Diego pride can’t be seen ‘cause you’re all bundled up! Show the weather who’s boss this year with the On-Field Dog Ear 59FIFTY fitted hat from New Era.
Damn straight. It gets cold up in there just north of Tijuana this time of year. So cold most of the dudes who live there have to wear FULL SLEEVE TATS in the winter months. Don’t be caught slippin’ near the coast and not havin’ these extra flaps during global warming. Because a cold Rivers a flowin’ to the Natty (that actually worked better with Brees) and, like this sick hat, the Bolts are the real McCoy!!!
Hey Ladies! Do you like Alyssa Milano as much as I do? Do you like horses (namely, Colts) as much as I do too? Well, I guess you and I have a lot more in common than we once thought. We should get together some time.
In other words bitches, while this doesn’t answer my question of why girls don’t do revenge porn (maybe because nobody on the internets just wants to see a bunch of dudes with red faces and their dicks) it does answer the question of how not to let your man have all the fun on Sunday.
Take it from Alyssa, one of the best-known jock groupies OF ALL TIME — who has the style and the passion for sport to sleep with a bunch of dudes and still get up the next day and make breakfast with a split shoulder T-shirt on from her brand called, what else? “TOUCH.”*
Or, in the words of the NFL Shop, “When you show up to the stadium in this shirt, your fashion forward fanaticism is sure to get noticed!”
*Recommended for pre-game bathroom “getting ready for the big game” selfies and made with 100-percent cotton for maximum post-game/next day walk-of-shame comfort.
We all love the Super Bowl, no matter who’s playing, right? So whether or not your team delivers this Sunday, you’ll already be ready with this reusable vinyl decal sure to be the talk of your work parking lot.
Slap up yo whip wid this year’s Super Bowl (XLVIII) logo with the curiously obvious choice of words, “Don’t Be Left Inside” …especially ironic if you put it on your wife’s mini-van as she cracks the window to run in really quick to pick up a few things at Trader Joe’s.