A Rod denies any ties to Mafia or Cosa Nostra in statement released after season-long suspension

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Saturday, the New York Yankees lost services of their .244-hitting third baseman Alex Rodriguez who has been suspended for the entire 2014 season by arbitrator Fredric Horowitz. Horowitz, after levying punishment, mentioned to A-Rod he knows a jeweler who will take anything off his hands at a fair price.

By Andrew Pridgen

Alex Rodriguez, the soon-to-be-39-year-old infielder, will serve a 162-game ban for his involvement in Major League Baseball’s Biogenesis scandal.

Note to all MLB players: if the substance you’re taking sounds like it came from an unexplored system from Wrath of Khan, it’s probably a worse than idea for your body than grabbing a bag of Cinnastix® before your connector flight.

Biogenesis is a Coral Gables-based anti-aging clinic and the only Florida-based establishment without a stage and a pole that made A-Rod feel like he was in his 20s again. Baseball insiders* note that A-Rod, who has already had two more hip surgeries than Betty White, may not be able to return full-strength after sitting out an entire season.

*Baseball insider = my coworker who has this clip on a loop and believes this is how all teams should travel to away games:

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Suspension notwithstanding, A Rod has declared his intent to continue to attend strip clubs at spring training in Tampa next month. He also says he will extend his career into his fourth decade to play out the final two years of his 10-year, $275 million contract which will be the sporting world equivalent of the release of two additional Die Hard sequels — also planned for 2016 and 2017.

The suspension also includes all potential Yankee playoff games in 2014, which means the suspension does not include any playoff games.

Horowitz’s ruling upholds most of the original 211-game suspension from MLB which banned Rodriguez last August after concluding its investigation. The overall suspension was lessened, Horowitz said, because, “Mr. Rodriguez dated Madonna for close to a year in 2008. We felt that was punishment enough …but still had to appease Major League Baseball.”

One dozen other players were suspended for connections to Biogenesis including Milwaukee Brewers slugger Ryan Braun who still maintains all substances he tested positive for can be found in Hebrew National’s secret superpower kosher formula.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig released no statement because he is actually a red tie-wearing animatronic puppet designed to look like a much older Bill Gates that is only programmed to end All Star games in a tie.

Rodriguez said he will contest Saturday’s decision in federal court. His spokesman issued a statement before the decision was even officially announced, calling the suspension “inconsistent” and based on “false and wholly unreliable testimony.”

On his own behalf, Rodriguez read this statement Saturday while Diane Keaton looked on:

“In the hopes of clearing my family name, and in the sincere desire to give my children the fair share of the American way of life, without a blemish on their name and background, I have appeared before this committee and given it all the cooperation in my power. I consider it a great dishonor to me personally to have to deny that I am a criminal. I wish to have the following noted for the record: that I served my country faithfully and honorably in World War II and was awarded the Navy Cross for actions in defense of my country; that I have never been arrested or indicted for any crime whatsoever; that no proof linking me to any criminal conspiracy whether it is called ‘Mafia’ or ‘Cosa Nostra’ or whatever other name you wish to give has ever been made public. I have not taken refuge behind the 5th amendment, though it is my right to do. I challenge this committee to produce any witness or evidence against me. And if they do not, I hope they will have the decency to clear my name with the same publicity with which they now have besmirched it.”

Actually, below an excerpt from his released statement. And I wonder if he snickers as much as I do every time he says “Joint Drug Agreement.”

“I have been clear that I did not use performance enhancing substances as alleged in the notice of discipline, or violate the Basic Agreement or the Joint Drug Agreement in any manner, and in order to prove it I will take this fight to federal court,” Rodriguez said in his statement. “I am confident that when a Federal Judge reviews the entirety of the record, the hearsay testimony of a criminal whose own records demonstrate that he dealt drugs to minors, and the lack of credible evidence put forth by MLB, that the judge will find that the panel blatantly disregarded the law and facts, and will overturn the suspension.

“No player should have to go through what I have been dealing with, and I am exhausting all options to ensure not only that I get justice, but that players’ contracts and rights are protected through the next round of bargaining, and that the MLB investigation and arbitration process cannot be used against others in the future the way it is currently being used to unjustly punish me.

“I will continue to work hard to get back on the field and help the Yankees achieve the ultimate goal of winning another championship. I want to sincerely thank my family, all of my friends, and of course the fans and many of my fellow MLB players for the incredible support I received throughout this entire ordeal.”

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