How Richard Sherman may someday save the world

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Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman* is very good at knocking footballs out of the air and toward the ground.

As if by magic — and in a seemingly singular motion — he can jump up, touch a football, and change its trajectory.

This can result in one of three things happening: 1) The ball can fall directly to the ground (which happens the majority of the time.) 2) The ball can fall into the waiting arms of his opponent (which happens some of the time.) or 3) The ball can fall into the waiting arms of Malcom Smith, another Seahawk defender (which doesn’t happen a lot, but happened Sunday to turn Smith, Sherman and the rest of the Seahawks into three-point dogs to hoist the franchise’s first Lombardi Trophy and finally exorcise the ghost of Brian Bosworth.)

Essentially, what Sherman did was win a very high-stakes coin toss. For his effort, he is guaranteed an extra $45k bonus which jumps up to $85k should the Seahawks hoist that big silver trophy at the end of the game in two weeks.

Beyond this, the verbose defender who is a dead ringer for Oda Mae Brown, is in line for a big payday at year’s end.

His ability to knock balls into the waiting arms of his teammates — on demand — should take him from earning $550k/year (he signed a four-year, $2.2 million deal with Seattle after he was taken in the fifth round of the 2011 draft) to somewhere in the $4 million/year range because he actually sometimes catches balls thrown by the opposing quarterback (20 interceptions in 43 career starts) along with his knock-down specialty.

The average lifespan of an NFL cornerback is just over two years. This means Sherman, heading into his fifth year in the league, is already showing the staying power of a Twinkie. It also means if he signs for the predicted four years, $16-plus million, the man with Aspergers writing his checks will be paying him for services already rendered.

Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman is very good at running his mouth along with knocking balls towards the ground. This also seems to be the new prerequisite for the job of cornerback as that position was flagged more than any other the last two NFL seasons for unsportsmanlike penalties.

The position has evolved, because the prerequisite used to be having a custom towel hanging over your junk and being in Hammer videos (and/or having Hammer on the sidelines during your games emulating his dance moves on the videos you were in — see how that comes full circle?) But now it’s running your mouth.

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This is because we live in the world of the sound byte. Nothing’s more fun than knocking a football from the air, towards the ground, earning at least a year’s salary for a teacher in doing so and getting to talk about it for the world who cares after.

Richard Sherman is not very sportsmanlike. After he did his job (which, to clarify, is knocking balls toward the ground on a regular basis), he went up to the receiver who was supposed to catch the ball before it got knocked down and gave him some not-very-constructive criticism.

He then punctuated the sentiment making a chocking sign — which normally could be believed to have been “Help, my big mouth swallowed my oversized mouth guard” but in this case meant, “I knocked a ball out of the air which means my opponent chocked.”

That wasn’t very nice. He got a penalty for that, but the penalty meant nothing because the ball had already been knocked out of the air and the game was over.

Then, this happened:

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Because there are no subtitles in this video, this is what he told former Dancing with the Stars contestant (third place, season 10) and sometimes Fox sideline reporter Erin Andrews:

“I’m the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you’re going to get. Don’t you ever talk about me. Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best, or I’ll shut it for you real quick. LOB [Legion of Boom]!”

Nobody knows what this means.

Sherman, a Compton-raised, Stanford-educated (read, there should at least be a built-in perception he’s smart — that’s why you’re reading about him) communications major, decided to clarify in a blog post about the game and his actions for Sports Illustrated. In it he talks about a “BS holding call.”

Then he discusses his job, which is, knocking the ball to the ground.

After that, he explains the choking sign he made was intended for 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, showing deep humility after the heat of the moment had passed:

“Why? [the choking motion?] Because he decided he was going to try the guy he was avoiding all game, because, I don’t know, he’s probably not paying attention for the game-winning play. C’mon, you’re better than that.

“Erin Andrews interviewed me after the game and I yelled what was obvious: If you put a subpar player across from a great one, most of the time you’re going to get one result. As far as Crabtree being a top-20 NFL receiver, you’d have a hard time making that argument to me.”

He then goes on to assure us he has no plans for world domination, rubbing his hands together in a sinister manner, trapping a girl in a well while he curates his moth collection and plays skin seamstress, or becoming the murderous kingpin of a feared drug cartel:

“I don’t want to be a villain, because I’m not a villainous person.”

Then, he plays the victim card, which is OK, because we all know the real victim(s) are all the balls he knocks toward the ground:

“But people find it easy to take shots on Twitter, and to use racial slurs and bullying language far worse than what you’ll see from me.”

Richard Sherman’s job to touch a football in midair and hopefully send it careening toward the ground. By doing this job well, he can right the trajectory of the planet while he’s at it:

“It’s sad and somewhat unbelievable to me that the world is still this way, but it is. I can handle it.”

*We chose to run a column about Richard Sherman for SEO purposes only. Apologies if you read this long to see this disclaimer.

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