How the 2014 MLB All-Star Game got Blue Crushed®

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Invariably and almost irrevocably, every time I start to feel a little bored agitated by a sporting event of great import (the NBA Finals, the NHL Playoffs, the Super Bowl, the Valero Alamo Bowl …the PDC Darts Championship) I find myself scanning through the 700 channels.

And I find Blue Crush is on premium cable.

Blue Crush vs. Major Sporting Event happens so often I’ve developed a Countdown to Switching Over to Blue Crush Point Deduction System™ (works especially well on Fox broadcasts).

Every major sporting event starts with 100 poitns. If it falls below 50, I’m allowed to watch Blue Crush until Faizon Love’s ‘Da nah nah naaah’ scene. If the score falls below 25, I’m allowed to watch Blue Crush through the one-night-stand with the Pro Bowl quarterback scene. If the score falls to zero (or below), I’m “forced” to watch Blue Crush through the closing credit gag reel.

Them’s the rules.

In other words, once enough points have been deducted from said sporting event’s watchability, it has officially been declared: Blue Crushed®.

It’s not that Blue Crush is the most special movie in the world*, it’s that, well, for my two-something hours of time invested, I get more enjoyment out of azure shots of Kate Bosworth fetching rocks from the bottom of the ocean back before she was all red lips, elbows and knee caps.

Below, my Point Deduction System (pat. pending) —or—how a sporting event can lose enough steam for me to switch over to BC quicker than you can say: “What do I want? Oh my god, I want Penny to quit smoking and go to college. I want, I want to be able to pay the phone, electric and rent in the same month. I want a girl to be on the cover of Surf magazine. It would be great if that girl were me, but any girl would do. I want… I mean I wish my mom would come home, and I really, really want to win Pipe Masters tomorrow, that’s what I want.”

Note: Each sporting event has its own unique set of “rules” that can also be easily modified to suit a drinking game, albeit, with baseball it’s never good to devise a drinking game with Joe Buck in the booth. You’ll be more blacked out than Dodger fans by the third inning.

On the occasion of the 2014 All-Star Game in Minnesota Tuesday night, the game’s first pitch was at 4:27 p.m. PST. As luck would have it, Blue Crush was starting on HBO West at 5 p.m.

By 5:13 p.m., the Point Deduction System enabled me to permanently click over just in time for Anne Marie, Eden, and Lena to get worked at Pipe in front of the locals before scurrying around the Ihilani Resort & Spa at Ko Olina in their hottest-maids-ever outfits.

• Joe Buck expectorates just prior to or after commercial break because he’s a beat off: -3

• Joe Buck makes dated pop culture reference that he tries to pass off as relevant (“This Cuban’s defection was a bigger game-changer than when Ted Danson started dating Whoopi.”) -5

• Joe Buck disapproves of players’ facial hair by making crass joke, “he’s a great hitter and an inspiration for all the homeless i step over when I’m in Oakland.” “I bet he’s the kind of people you see on public transit.”: -5

• Joe Buck admits to never enjoying any destination Southwest flies or any state that isn’t mostly buoyed by corn subsidies: -3

• Erin Andrews starts asking too-long questions like she’s in the “Is there anything you want to know about us” portion of a job interview: -4

• Erin Andrews tries to manufacture Richard Sherman emotion out of completely mundane moments and falling disarmingly short: “What were your thoughts when you were pulled with two runners on and nobody out?” A:”My thought was it’s the All-Star Game. It was nice to be out there and have fun, I guess.” -5

• …Erin Andrews doing it all in a first-job interview blazer: -6

• Longer-than-dinner in-game interview with (fill in blank of retiring Yankee here) runs over a key pitching change, the go-ahead run being scored, a wild pitch or use (or conspicuous non-use) of baseball’s replay. Nobody in the booth seems to mind.

• Fox teases to the “New Star of Sunday Nights” which is a sitcom knock-off of Two Broke Girls. (side note: why can’t anyone do a bad knock-off of Alf. it would stand to reason that it’s time for puppets—jewish alien puppets—to make a comeback. -12

• Speaking of Jewish Alien Puppets, Ken Rosenthal: -8

• Ken Rosenthal tries to evoke Costas by referencing Roberto Clemente when talking to anyone in a Pirates uniform: -4

• Troy Tulowitzki walks up to The Sign, by Ace of Base: +20

• Shot of animatronic Bud Selig: -4

• Shot of Mr. Burns and animatronic Selig sitting in same box: plus 38

• Joe Buck regales audience with stories of Selig’s tenure as commissioner but fails to mention ownership collusion, being complicit with the PED/Steroid era to save job post-strike but prosecuted it to the fullest extent of federal law when the tide of public opinion turned; then being complicit with it again; the 2002 all star game (ended in tie: his call), the World Baseball Classic; the amount he’s profited by his own policies as still-owner (shhhhh) of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Club (in spite of fake ownership transfer to his daughter and fake sale to Mark Attanasio); racketeering charges Selig faced for trying to contract the league and get rid of the Twins (leaving the Midwest market open for Brewers business only) in 2001; earning at least $14 million/year as commissioner for pretty much making it job one to screw the Astros and the A’s at every turn (strangely to the benefit of the Brewers, see: 2008 Playoffs): -12 (for each)

I guess assigning such high point totals to the omission of commissioner Selig’s transgressions in this, Melty Ice Cream Face’s last All Star Game, weighed the programming a little in Blue Crush’s favor.

Then again, it was a wholly more satisfying experience watching Anne Marie’s luau meltdown than the alternative: witnessing live the horror of the DH getting home field in this fall’s Fall Classic because Mike Trout hit a chopper up the line that third baseman Aramis Ramirez thought was foul ignored and didn’t make a play on.

Trout was MVP for that almost-hit that didn’t get replayed in the era of replay.

…But Anne Marie took home the quarterback, caught a monster wave at Pipe, got signed by Billabong AND scored the cover of Surf magazine.

*Blue Crush may not be the best movie in the world but it’s the best movie in the world directed by Cougar from Top Gun who looks like he landed on his feet after turning in his wings.

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