Pints and Picks Week 8: 6 pack of picks (good) …4 pack of beers (bad)

0
662

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBUS3vQtDCA&w=560&h=315]

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Oct. 25, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: Two words for you this week KM: Hunter Motherfuckingstrickland.

That guy, man. He’s the Nuke LaLoosh in real-time just blowing up all over the mound like a soaking wet piñata in game two of the world series. Not ONLY did he give up an MLB-record fifth bomb in the postseason Tuesday but he did it with such passion that he had to start jawing …at that guy who’d just roped a double off him. By the time the guy who went yard crossed the plate, he was out of the game. Talk about premature extrapolation.

But I really don’t care that he talked a little (a lot) of smack. He’s 26 and I did a lot of stupidly awesome stuff when I was 26 (swimming out to the Pirate Ship in Las Vegas’ Treasure Island moat comes to mind—I had a weird rash on my side for months). It’s an age of passion and testosterone and bad decisions especially when dollar beers and a game my buddies made up called “dare darts” is involved. So, that’s cool. I get it.

All I can say, is thank god camera phones were invented in my 30s (actually, boo for no camera phones till my 30s).

What I do have a problem with is Strickland trying to get that 97mph/no movement Babe Ruth stuff over the plate expecting Junior year results. Again and again and again and again …and again. Shaking off Buster and ignoring Rags is not the way to engender yourself to the franchise. I’d almost rather throw the actual Danny McBride out there and take my chances. At least it’d be funny haha not sad/funny.

So HS, if you want to pound six Buds at a time like your team’s ace, then earn it on the field. Till then, bite that lower lip and take it out on your iPad in the hotel room.

*Deep breath*. Now, because I’m gonna save the rant for someone who’ll listen (meaning, I’ve got some long training runs coming up this weekend and am going to try to keep my internal dialogue just that) and come at you with a couple of six packs this week.

The (first three) of my six-pack:

BYU +6 @ Boise State:
BYU’s been on the skids since week three, but Boise State, even on the Smurf turf is a shadow of its former self. I think instead of the over/under being 56.5 it should be 88 percent Mormons in the stands. It’ll be the fake-nicest game in the West. But I do believe BYU has the speed and the secondary to pick of BSU this time. Take the Cougs and the points.

Oregon @ Cal (at Levi’s Stadium) O/U 77:
I’m back on my Cal-and-the-over train. Cal’s secondary is worst in the Pac 12 and with a healthy left guard, Marcus seems to be spreading the Aloha around again. I would take Oregon -16 but Helfrich has shown he closes worse than your best friend from high school at 1:40 a.m. So, Cal will cinch it up in garbage time.

Oregon State +13.5 @ Stanford:
Why is Stanford getting a bigger benefit of the doubt than JK Rowling pitching a story about clowns in prison? Moneyline here. OSU is faster and better than their record suggests and the Cardinal is a half-step slower and two wins better than theirs.

OK KM, before you take your turn, I just want to say you’ve been sneakily and disarmingly hotter than Lily from the AT&T ads of late. What’dya got this week?

Kyle: AJ-Three is really the perfect place to take a break from a sixer. Problem is, I can’t ever seem to stop right there. During the workweek, I tend to pick them off one at a time. If you’re pursuing that method, by No. 6, you feel like a real asshole for having that much cardboard surrounding one measly bottle and taking up room in the fridge. But what, am I supposed to toss that thing before all the bottles are gone? If you get caught up watching a game and down four, the remaining two beers do you no good. You’re again left with the packaging dilemma, plus you can only exacerbate it by drinking one at a time. That means you have to down both, which will only make you a little more tired and a little less likely to read, like you should. Instead you watch the same Family Guy episodes you already own (without commercials) on some third-rate syndication belcher taking up space between the networks and the home shopping lineup on your TV package.

Just buy a 12’er and start saving for cirrhosis treatments.

With all that said, here’s my attempt at self-restraint:

Oklahoma State vs. West Virginia, O/U 66:
The Big 12’s quarterbacks essentially play the sport of football on easy mode, thanks to the Big 12 defenses. Saturdays action between the two 3-1 league runners-up features bottom-50 defenses against offenses that combine for about 70 points per game. Take the over.

Ole Miss -4 @ LSU:
This is easily the undefeated Rebels’ biggest road game this year. All due respect to the folks at College Station, but a night game crowd in Baton Rouge is going to be tuned up on hurricanes and will blow those brown-shirted fascists out of the water when it comes to creating a hostile environment. I like the Bayou Bengals to beat the spread, even if their team is a bit young.

Michigan @ Michigan State O/U 48.5:
Due to a B1G scheduling fluke, the Wolverines have to visit East Lansing for the second straight year. They’re bringing in a coach knocking on death’s door and an offense that turns the ball over against ranked teams nearly as frequently as it scores. Sparty makes hay and UM’s Devin Gardner gets in on the scoring with a few sixes the right way and these guys clear the over, easily.

AJ: KM, have you caught wind of this new four-pack phenomenon? It may go a way to solving your problem (four beers in a post-workout/pre-go-out/Magnum PI on Netflix sesh mostly doesn’t make you look/feel too too bad with no hangers-on in the fridge) but the problem is, you’re still paying six-pack (or more) prices: Yes, I’m looking at you Dogfish Head, Uinta and Odell.

At first I thought I was paying $11 for really special brews, till pretty much downed the foursie and decided that I’d paid $11 for two fewer brews than I should’ve gotten.

Then again, if you’re fresh off the trail or the pool and you need something to get you through the news the the SEC bounces on a Pac 12 home and home matchup …because, you know, who wants the West Coast to hang a loss on ’em week two, which lends credence to (my) notion none of the current ‘top-four’ SEC programs could hang at altitude in Utah. That’s right folks, an upper-middle-tier Pac-12 team dominating a Mississippi State, Ole Miss or Bama …Ab-so-friggin-lutely (and they know it too) …then four to the dome may be just the thing.

*Crack* is the sound of the first pick in the second half of my six-pack:

Utah -10 vs. Southern Cal:
Since I’m bringing it with the Utes, I better put it on the line at 4,500 feet. If someone’d told you that USC would be getting double-digits in Salt Lake in mid-September, you’d have gone ahead and polished your root beer, checked on the Mrs(s) to see how the canning’s going and said ‘Oh My Heck’ (they actually say that) and then take a swig of Mountain Dew out of your flask. Yes folks, my biggest worst-kept secret/weekly go-to to beat the spread Utes have now been outed. What the hey though, give SC the ten (Utah will win by a dozen) and put a sawbuck on the over (55.5) while you’re there.

Alabama -15 @ Tennessee:
Alabama ain’t that good. Tennessee ain’t that bad. But Bama still has something to prove and has been beating the spread like Candy Crush lately. Tennessee will feature a second- and third-string QB under center (Nathan Peterman and Josh Dobbs)—starter Justin Worley still questionable—with an offensive line that springs more leaks than me after said four-pack, you can bet it’s going to be a long day in Knoxville.

Ohio State -12 @ Penn State:
When this grande dame of mid-season fall football splendor become the purplish ’96 Ford Expedition on blocks in your two-doors-down neighbor’s driveway? While both schools, the Buckeyes at 5-1 and Nittany Lions at 4-2 are still very much in the conversation (kinda) yet, they’re treated like a layover at Midway where every restaurant has those airport weird metal shutters things except for Let Them Eat Cake …No. 13 Ohio State will win to stay barely in the conversation but also take the W at Beaver by 20 (or more). Nittany Lion Christian Hackenberg has lived up to his surname thus far in his sophomore campaign. That doesn’t mean he can’t change… but change doesn’t come quickly against this year’s Buckeyes.

KM, please tell me you’re popping open an Icky and laughing at this four-pack business.

Kyle: AJ-Four packs are an affront to 50-plus years of American male tradition.

Just imagine this exchange:
“Hey Al, come on over and watch the game.”
“Gee, thanks Will. Should I bring over a four-pack?”
“Delete this number and don’t fucking ever call me again, you got it!?”

I’m sent into spasms of anger every time I buy a four of Guinness cans to make Irish stew during football season. Why can’t those potato heads package just two more beers together so I can pass out with the Crock Pot on at 4 p.m. only to be awoken after some shitty Mountain West game is at the half by the alluring aroma of burnt starch and the sounds of my girlfriend calling for takeout?

As a corollary, every time I decide to make this meal, yeah AJ, I go with the sixer of Icky in addition to overpaying for the Guinness family’s wares. It’s my adopted state’s most consistent brew–also the only canned beer you can get in the Silver State after the Great Recession wrecked a few hopes and dreams here in Kaepernick origin-story country. I’d tell you a bunch about the IPA, but I really don’t know shit about beer. It tastes great lukewarm, which has to be worth something, right?

Here’s the back end of my sixer:

Florida Atlantic @ Marshall -28:
The 7-0 Thundering Herd are quietly putting together a statistically jaw-dropping season against just a shit sandwich of a schedule. They’re 5-1-1 ATS this season including five straight wins vs. Vegas. They score 47.4 per game (2nd best in the nation) and give up just 16.6 per game (7th best). FAU is 2-1 in Conference USA, so standings-wise this is a halfway interesting matchup. But I’m looking for the Herd to make it six straight agains the wise guys.

Texas Tech +23 @ TCU:
The 3-4 Raiders are abjectly horrible this season. Kliff Kingsbury kan’t koach defense or find a very good koordinator. But, 5-1 TCU got pantsed on D two weeks ago in its shootout loss to Art Briles’ Baylor squad 61-58. That defensive backfield stumbled frequently on the short passing game, which is something Kingsbury, a Mike Leech disciple, can coach against. Oh, the Raiders will lose, but they’ll keep it inside the spread.

UMass @ Toledo O/U 70.5:
How about a little #MACtion to seal the deal for me this week? Toledo and UMass are both hitting the over more than 70 percent of the time this year. It’s going to be clear and 68 tomorrow in Toledo for probably the last time in the next 8 months, so I think we’ll see some real crisp offense in the strip tomorrow because nobody will be in a hurry to the run the ball and face the soul-crushing humanitarian crisis that is a Midwestern winter any more quickly than necessary. Take the over.

AJ: Boy Kyle, I haven’t been this thirsty since I helped tar the roof of Shawshank (It’s a Tim Robbins kind of week). On to the recap!

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 0-3
Kyle: 2-3

Overall:
AJ: 12 for 22
Kyle: 9 for 16

This week:

AJ:
* BYU +6 @ Boise State
• Oregon @ Cal (at Levi’s Stadium) over 77
• Utah -10 vs. Southern Cal plus over 55.5
* Oregon State +13.5 @ Stanford
• Alabama -15 @ Tennessee
• Ohio State -12 @ Penn State

Kyle:
• Oklahoma State vs. West Virginia over 66
• Ole Miss -4 @ LSU
• Michigan @ Michigan State over 48.5
* Florida Atlantic @ Marshall -28
* Texas Tech +23 @ TCU
* UMass @ Toledo over 70.5

NO COMMENTS