The 7 best things about the new Star Wars teaser trailer

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When the last of the prequels-that-shall-not-be-named wrapped, I started an email campaign to initiate a Star Wars episodes I-III genocide. Without trying to get too evocative of the darkest period in human history, I envisioned giant bonfires of Costco-bought DVDs, legions of young fans cutting off their Padawan braids and donating them to Locks of Love …and never having to hear Hayden Christensen’s Western Canadian Sith accent again.

The 20 million-plus copies in circulation would have to go. Shutting down or blocking the bootlegged versions on-line would be next. Sneaking into Skywalker Ranch (I got as far as the lunchroom) and destroying the source files would be the final chapter.

The modest email-chain-turned-LISTSERV (this is before the Facebook and Twitter) reached 10,000 like-minded, many of whom were complete strangers voicing their support. One signed up for my cause and wrote: “There were a lot fewer Rebels hunkered down on Hoth and look what they accomplished.”

Alas, the group eventually lost steam, some even began to date and later started families. Though nobody has ever been able to explain General Grievous, most have come to accept the prequels as an ignore-it-and-maybe-it’ll-go-away part of the Star Wars canon, like a lazy eye, acne scars or a drunk uncle. A badge of honor. A slightly retarded neighbor who plays spoiler to the greatest (literal) cliff hanger in all of movie history by revealing the whole Vader/Luke dynamic 1.3 movies prior.

Unlike many of the former subscribers to my fight, I did not rejoice when Disney and Godfather of Geek JJ Abrams became attached to the new Star Wars. The notion of three new films just kind of further cheapens the whole conceit by putting it into Star Trek or Dr. Who territory. As if they were splitting the source material not into two “final chapter(s)” but six-plus. An old prize fighter coming out of retirement for one last bout; he’s not doing it for the glory, those days cast in his legacy’s ever-shortening shadow. He’s doing it for the money.

Yes, these movies and associated spin-offs and merchandise print money and Disney is nothing if not a money mint. With dollar signs on the mind, low-blood-sugar Lucas no longer around to gum it up with lines like, “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo” and fanboys somewhere in the balcony drooling themselves into an eye-twitching fugue state after seeing the mother fucking MF (Millennium Falcon) fly again …this time with a rectangular (not circular) DISH receiver (!!!) these three new Star Wars will surely …staaaaaayyyyy.

Since I’m jumping back on the bandwagon, below, seven snippets from the 88-second Star Wars: Episode VII—The Force Awakens teaser trailer which show promise. In chronological order:

1) 00:00-00:22 Desert. No hope but for the voice-over of Benedict Cumberbatch. Cut to: John Boyega pops up wearing the Storm Trooper costume they made him try on for next year’s Comic Con with a look that connotes Furious Styles, “Black man ain’t got no place in the Army. Damn!” That’s right Boyega, get out of that oppressive get-up and get with the Rebels*.

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2) 00:29 Top of Thermos droid rolling on a soccer ball in the middle of a Jawa junkyard; which can only mean one thing: the World Cup is coming to Tatooine. All the burned-out barrios will be replaced with state-of-the-art stadiums and the residents forced retreat even deeper into Mos Eisley to pursue their wretched lives of “scum and villainy” in a police state.

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3) 00:33 The new Storm Trooper helmets are here! The new Storm Trooper helmets are here! The new Storm Trooper helmets are here! The new Storm Trooper helmets are here! The new Storm Trooper helmets are here! Oh, wait, those are just the Cylon helmets from the original Battlestar Galactica painted white. Sorry. False alarm.

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4) 00:39 Daisy Ridley is riding a giant motorized sideways orange Popsicle® with the kind of urgency that dares ask, “How many more aunts and uncles and their compounds have to be destroyed till we can end this stupid war?”

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5) 00:43 Oscar Isaac wearing a Porkins-inspired Sedona-orange X-Wing Fighter wing suit. Slimming and fabulous. Notice the digital spotting device over his left shoulder. Those are sooooo thirty years ago and since the Force/Google Glass was introduced, pretty much obsolete. He must be in an old rig.

rebeloneI6) 00:50 Outtake from Breaking Dawn Part VI: Hopelessly Devoted Again wherein a vampire is walking through the woods outside of Forks and holy shit, a crucifix light saber! Jesus Jedi in the forest getting ready to chop down some kindling.

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7) 1:00 Money Shot! This clip of the Millennium Falcon WITH John Williams shooting and scoring in the middle of a super sweet move where it goes into the air and does this pancake with no griddle flip turn thing back toward the desert barely eluding the stray fire of a pair of old-school TIE fighters means Han either hasn’t lost his touch or Lando stopped drinking the Colt 45. This is the exact move I practiced the Falcon doing about 30,000 times in my backyard using a paper plate with a rectangle cut out. BTW, still prefer the original scale model Falcon over the CGI.

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…Though it ends like a video game trailer, if Cumberbatch is in, so am I.

*Yeah, I know. That didn’t come out quite right.

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