41 facts you didn’t know about the great Steve Nash

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Steve Nash announced his retirement in El Segundo Tuesday because apparently he left his wallet there (sorry). During Nash’s 19-year NBA career, he won the MVP twice and broke more ankles than a pair of size-eight rental skates.

By Andrew Pridgen

Below, 41 facts (plus two bonus) you don’t know about the 41-year-old Canadian legend:

  1. Steve Nash is so powerful, he deleted his dating history with Liz Hurley from the internet…until now.
  2. Steve Nash is so intimidating, even Hope Solo didn’t beat him down when he talked smack over video games.
  3. Steve Nash is so altruistic the only thing he wanted from Canada in exchange for keeping his accent was one more sitcom for Michael J. Fox.
  4. Steve Nash’s diet is so good he just lectured Michelle Obama about what she ate for lunch.
  5. Steve Nash was so integral to the league, the Lakers offered to retire from the NBA instead.
  6. Steve Nash is so smoldering he’s never been able to enjoy a piece of ice cream cake.
  7. Steve Nash is so Canadian, geese flock to him in the spring.
  8. The movie Armageddon was originally a biopic about Steve Nash, but the CIA didn’t want the word to get out that a Canadian saved the world.
  9. Steve Nash is so shimmery, Axe body spray tried to market his shoulder sweat.
  10. Steve Nash is so chiseled, Skeletor joined Weight Watchers after watching his retirement announcement.
  11. Steve Nash was so skilled and gracious, he crocheted the NBA championship banner each of his 19 seasons even though he never got to keep it.
  12. The NBA refused to give Steve Nash a ring for fear that it’d result in a centuries-long conflict between good and evil with Elves, Dwarves…and Viggo Mortensen.
  13. …Speaking of Viggo, Steve Nash has such good cheekbones, Mortensen asked his plastic surgeon to give him the Steves, even though the Viggos are the most-requested.
  14. Steve Nash was so colorful on the court, HD vowed to never watch basketball any other way.
  15. Steve Nash had such good handles, he’d volunteer on the weekends to stand there while old people grabbed onto him to get out of the bath.
  16. Steve Nash is so influential across genres, Obama modeled his healthcare plan instead of his jumper after him.
  17. Steve Nash is so mesmerizing, Skrillex pays him to stand on a stage and do nothing.
  18. Steve Nash had more assists than the Planned Parenthood office while at Santa Clara.
  19. Steve Nash makes Timbland feel promiscuous.
  20. Steve Nash had such good moves, Michael Jackson decided to reverse his Moonwalk to look more like him.
  21. Steve Nash has such good hair, Jesus takes his picture from the media guide in to the salon.
  22. Steve Nash is so sought-after, Craigslist had to make him his own city.
  23. Steve Nash was so hot in Arizona, the desert had to start going to movies all weekend just to cool off.
  24. Elvis impersonates Steve Nash.
  25. Steve Nash could’ve played soccer professionally, then he decided if he was going to deprive the world of his hands, he might as well just do porn.
  26. Steve Nash is such the real-life Benjamin Button, he’ll play the young himself in a biopic slated to start shooting 20 years from now.
  27. The first time Steve Nash tried to make banana bread, it came out Angel Food cake.
  28. Steve Nash had such good court presence, Matlock watches his game reruns every weeknight.
  29. Steve Nash is so important, god submitted a revision to the Bible about creating all this shit the first day and spending the next six trying to get a selfie with Steve Nash.
  30. God also admitted there is no god, but there is Steve Nash.
  31. Steve Nash is so empowering to his countrymen, he makes Canadians like Ted Cruz think they can be president here.
  32. Steve Nash is the only one who can convince Quentin Tarantino to stay behind the camera.
  33. Steve Nash convinced Clooney to ditch the Caesar cut, but not Banderas. Look what happened to the careers of each after.
  34. Steve Nash was the first Canadian to play in the NBA All-Star game…and did his country proud by not being called for icing once.
  35. Steve Nash is the subject of his own documentary which he only agreed to star in after he found out he was going to be able to watch a movie about Steve Nash.
  36. Madison Square Garden had to go on StubHub to get tickets to see Steve Nash.
  37. Steve Nash didn’t retire from the NBA, he just got bored with two hands and only one ball.
  38. Steve Nash had such a long career, Betty White and Tony Bennett asked him what his secret to longevity was.
  39. Steve Nash knows what happened to JonBenét.
  40. Steve Nash strikes so much fear, the Zodiac is hiding from him.
  41. Steve Nash’s neighbor once came over to ask him to turn the music down only to find Phil Collins singing in his living room.
  42. Steve Nash does the best imitation of Ben Stiller imitating Tom Cruise ever.
  43. Steve Nash invented the cornucopia because he wanted to share with the world the literal manifestation of his life.

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  1. […] Steve Nash, who came away with zero championships in the most selfless 18-year career of any man, Canadian or no, on the hardcourt is the posterboy of what we lost in the lost generation of basketball. Nash is now a consultant with the reigning champion Warriors. When pressed at a shoot around about what was different about the Warriors than most of the perennial contending Suns, Mavs and Lakers teams he helped steer, Nash said something to the effect of, I think it’s pretty obvious in the box score. […]