Death by Nerds


Written By Kyle Magin

The IRS would be the ones to (maybe) finally take down FIFA.

Our revenooers cuffed Al Capone and Wesley Snipes, whose collective string of terror included the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and Blade: Trinity before being scooped up by a bunch of pencil-pushers on tax evasion. They’re where the buck literally stops.

For all of FIFA’s organizational-sponsored slavery, death, sexism and dealings with dictators (also brought to you by Coke, Hyundai, McDonald’s and Adidas), on Wednesday it looked like the hammer finally dropped on international soccer’s ruling body. Or, you know, the TI-83.

FIFA officials were brought in on charges of racketeering, wire fraud and money laundering in Geneva, Switzerland, by cops driving Nissan Leafs.

Tony Montana had to pay his banker an extra 30 percent to cover up those sorts of offenses, because you can screw with Colombian drug lords, but you really, really want to make sure you’re paying your taxes on what Uncle Sam thinks you’re making.

If it’s the thing that ultimately undoes the world’s most corrupt athletics association—remember, it coexists on this globe with a habitual labor abuser in the NCAA, a bunch of stuffed suits who steal from poor cities during no-vote city council meetings to build billion-dollar stadiums in the NFL and the Olympics, for crying out loud—then we should buy all these failed CPAs all the Mike’s Hard Lemonade their tiny hearts desire.

Let’s hope these indictments—the ones that end up sticking, anyway—spark a reform movement for the “beautiful game.”

Soccer is literally enslaving people and letting them die to host the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, one of the hottest places on Earth. That’s the shit it should really take a fall for, but let’s face it: killing brown people with names you can’t pronounce is roughly on par with hosting a $5,000/plate  fundraiser without a vegetarian option as far as the West is concerned. Distasteful, but we can apparently get past it.

Whatever, though. Let’s take the win and hope that more follow.