Free basketball for 19,000 d-bags at Oracle for NBA Finals game one as the Warriors take an extra five minutes to temporarily derail the James train 108-100.
The Warriors took game one in spite of LeBron rolling with a Kriss Kross line in his head that enabled him drop 44 and no travel/no foul ever. (Note to Warriors trash technician: Bron Bron also deposited his yellow headband in the green waste en route to the locker room after the loss: I’d eBay that shit if eBay was still a thing).
These Warriors went down 14 in the first-half and then scraped the nacho plate back to a 98-98 tie in regulation thanks mostly to Marreese Speights who decided to play fucking John “Hannibal” Smith and led the second team on the floor to start the second quarter.
Speights and the E Street Band limited Bron and the Cavs to two points in the quarter’s first four minutes to keep the dulcet home crowd from dialing up the Uber.
Also, what’s up Boracle? This is your first Finals game since Morgan Freeman played a DJ on The Electric Company and you’re deader than your Apple watch after you wore it in the shower.
I mean, I get it. You know the drill. The Warriors give entitled white-guy fans yellow shirts to rock over their pastel Façonnable popped collars and they’re supposed to pleasantly cheer in return. Then a bunch of threes drop and then ZaSu Pitts plays during time outs. And the Dubs lose 115-110.
Oh. Wait. That’s Run TMC days. Nevermind.
With 24 to go, Steph Curry drove and got fouled by JR Smith but didn’t get the call. (Maybe the refs know you don’t deserve the whistle when you miss a layup.) Then LeBron missed a NBA Jams he’s-on-fire worthy 20-footer at the buzzer to close it out. He even did that thing where he held his wrist in the air like I used to do in JV hoops tryouts for the Jordan-esque career highlight moment.
It didn’t work.
Overtime happened and that’s when Cavs’ point guard Kyrie Irving went Season 4 Girls on us. Kyrie (it’s fun to use his first name because he sounds like the missing Kardashian), was wearing Jennifer Beals’ leg warmers to protect his knee in regulation, but shaked where he should have baked and limped off in the first minute of bonus basketball.
Bay Area fans may have recognized Matthew Dellavedova who came in for injured Kyrie. The Cavs’ reserve guard played for St. Mary’s up the road in Moraga where all the Warriors fans who can afford playoff tickets live. I think he’s sharing a bunk with some investment banker’s kid named Milo during the two-game set. They’re going to talk about the new Star Wars trailers and whether CGI should be used more heavily on Carrie Fisher than the droids.
Harrison Barnes hit the biggest shot of the night: A three from the baseline with just over two minutes to go in OT to put the Dubs up by seven. Curry also got fouled (finally) twice and made his quartet of free throws because that’s what you do when you’re the MVP in OT.
And that, as it says at the end of Galaga when you run out of lives, was Game Over.
LeBron, just before the post-game headband toss, scored two points with eight seconds left. The pair his only bucket of OT. He walked off the court dejected like a guy who just got denied credit at the check cashing on Broadway and 51st near the Wendy’s.
In the cutaways, Rihanna looked Filas fresh like she just got them tips buffed at Queen Nails on Tele. I recognize those wraps anywhere. Baller emeritus Magic Johnson also looks damn good (still). And his Spartan protege: Monster jammer, Beats rep and prime-time f-bomb dropper Draymond Green had Earvin’s karmic flow and same fade from ‘88.
Oh and the Dubs still owe Denver an Edible Arrangements (with rainbow mug) for that nug Andre Iguodala. I feel like his dunk to knot it at 73 in the fourth was like when Charlemagne invaded Spain in 778. Perhaps ill-conceived at the time, it created a subkingdom and eventually led to victory.