Only one member of the Trojan family can fill that giant gaping hole at head coach—and that member is Will Ferrell

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DPB obtained a leaked memo from USC president Max Nikias to AD Pat Haden via Apple Watch Monday afternoon re: potential head coach candidates for its football program. Most of the encrypted memo was translated from Greek using Google Translate and a menu, so apologies for the parts we had to fill in.

By Andrew Pridgen

TO: Patty H

CC: Tommy Trojan

FR: Mad Max N.

RE: Hiring Will Ferrell

Pat,

Well, here we go again fucko.

I told you after that Kiffin kid got all pissy when he found out he wasn’t coaching for those guys who “make the jimmy hats and that fingertip vibrator thing” (aside: who the fuck says ‘jimmy hat’ anymore?) and asked his contract termination fee be paid in cases of 5® Gum Cobalt Peppermint and Axe White Label …that we needed a “wake-up call.” Then what? Dornsife went out and got hammered at the ESPN Zone in Anaheim trying to snake up some off-duty Disney Princess tail and ends up taking the longest leak of his life next to Sark.

Dunno what happened after that, but I can venture a guess: I’d say about three more pitchers of Michelob Ultra, four rounds of Fireball, two orders of the Highlight Reel Sampler and before you know it they’re hammering it on the 5 in the 928 blasting Annie Lennox Diva on the Blaupunkt en route to Dornsife’s pad in Blackhawk. Once there, they adjourn to the media room to roll out the Beck’s and the Pop Secret while trading campus finger-blasting hook-up stories and prank calling Jack Del Rio. The night ends as they pass out somewhere during season two of Simon and Simon on Netflix.

…Before you know it, Sark’s got a $4 million/year deal and bides his time going 3-2, spilling g&t all over his 3 Day Suit Broker blazer, spitting out epithets on the Trojan dais and showing up to work Sunday reeking of car freshener and Captain Morgan.

Since when did the University of Southern California take U-Dub’s sloppy seconds? Since when did that scheming Marin hottubber Pete Carroll turn into the new John Robinson? Since when did we let all these Persian kids in? I mean, I get it—they’re pretty much all of Newport now—but sheesh. If we had affirmative action then it’d definitely be for a kid whose mom is a Realtor for Keller Williams in La Habra and dad is an Edward Jones broker who’s been living in a condo just off the 15 in Temecula since the divorce …and has been working at Universal Studios as the puke mopper on King Kong: 360 for the past few summers trying to pay off his ‘98 Isuzu Trooper.

But that’s all beside the point. Today, I’m writing you to suggest we go with my original top candidate from 2013, Will Ferrell, as the next head coach of the USC Trojans. I put together a few PowerPoint slides which got lost somewhere on my computer and my girl couldn’t find them, so I’ll pretty much present my case with the ensuing four bullets below:

  • Will Ferrell: Box office winner:

Right now, we just need a winner, period. And Ferrell doesn’t make flops. OK, there was the Land of the Lost disaster but nobody (NOBODY) has been able to make any sense of a Sid and Marty Krofft—not even when we were all stoned out of their gourds in the ‘70s—much less a summer blockbuster from one of their shows. Lesson learned. I know what you’re gonna say, his serious shit doesn’t make shit at the box office. Like that one where he pays a drunk opposite Biggie’s kid and sits on his lawn all movie? I think they lost like $2 million on that but whatever—I lost two million from the endowment last weekend on the back nine at Torrey Pines to a 19-year-old high school dropout whose app that uses GPS to find out who else is jerking off nearby just got funded. Everyone needs a serious side. Especially this next head coach for the Trojans.

  • Will Ferrell: Sports Nut

You watch Ferrell Takes the Field? That was funny shit. OK, it wasn’t as funny as I wanted it to be but it was for charity, so that makes up for it. The number-one rule in collegiate sports is if you don’t get desired results, at least do it wearing pink socks for “charity.” We are a nonprofit after all, and Ferrell’s got the whole feel-good thing down pat. Clearly this is a guy who has no issues putting on team gear and humiliating himself on the field—which has almost become a pre-req for this job.

  • Will Ferrell: He’s already on the sidelines

He brought us out against Stanford and I pretty much thought right then about either giving him a set of pads or a Motorola headset because was the only one the Coliseum that day who had an answer for Kevin Hogan. Let’s just hire a guy that won’t get clowned by Kevin Hogan. How bout that for starters?

  • Will Ferrell: The kids fucking love him

A recruiting visit with Kevin Hart? Check. An on-campus pep rally where Ferrell announces that Snoop …Snoop-a-loop will perform during homecoming week? Check. Fucking wing eat-off with Mark Wahlberg at the 901 on a random Wednesday? Check, check and check. Right now we’re coming off two straight losing regimes helmed by an entitled asshole and an entitled drunk.

…Got any better ideas?

Even if we don’t choose to go 100 percent in this direction with Ferrell, I think it’s at least worth bringing him in because I want to pitch this idea for a Mahogany re-imagining starring Bey-Bey (that’s my nickname for my favorite singer, Rihanna). It’s 2015, and I think the world is finally ready for a white guy in the Billy Dee role, which is where he comes in.

Let me know what you think. If it’s a go, I’ll get my guys to start vetting Ferrell to be sure we don’t bring in Chad Smith or Ben Roethlisberger by mistake. (It happens.)

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