NCAA March Madness opening weekend as told by guys texting about how f*cked their brackets are

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Your tournament is over the first weekend. You are not alone.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Thursday

noon

Group text begins:

PETER: UConn. Whoa. Who had Colorado?

CHRIS: I did.

MATT: Fucking idiot.

JUSTIN: Bold move. You must’ve not seen the shitty team through all the smoke.

CHRIS: LOL

MATT: Save your LOLs for the chick you’re trying to convince you own a start up.

MATT L.: Who’s got Baylor?

CHRIS: I do.

PETER: I do.

JUSTIN: vs. Yale? Pfft. I do.

[12:21 pm: Text thread paused.]

Thursday

3:48 p.m.

Text thread resumes:

GIL: What the fuck Yale?

PETER: Fuck.

CHRIS: It’s those fucking Baylor uniforms. They’re trying to look like Oregon.

MATT: Well, David Koresch did have his people wear Nikes.

PETER: Don’t mention Heaven’s Gate please. My aunt was in that cult. It’s too soon.

MATT: Really?

PETER: No. But if she was she’d just be in a space ship now training comet Hale-Bopp, so it’s cool.

CHRIS: What the fuck kind of chat room is this?

MATT: NCAA Tournament…and cults, mostly, I think.

CHRIS: OK, I’m in the right place.

JUSTIN: Wait, it’s Yale and fucking Duke now? Hope they’re going to use the crowd to shoot a Tommy Hilfiger ad in Providence.

DREW: You still wear Tommy Hilfiger?

JUSTIN: Fuck you. …Just the cologne.

PETER: Fuck all of you. I just put $100 on Michigan State to win it all bie-tches. Their path just more clear to the Final Four than Ben Affleck’s…

MATT: Ben Affleck’s what?

PETER: I dunno. I was going to say something about how shitty a new Batman he makes but couldn’t finish.

JUSTIN: That’s not the first time I’ve heard that about you.

MATT: …Worse than Kilmer?

PETER: Worse than Clooney?

JUSTIN: You guys are idiots. Pete, good call on the Spartans btw.

MATT L.: Ditto. Who’s got Arizona tonight?

CHRIS: I do.

JUSTIN: No brainer.

MATT: Yeah, I got Purdue -5 too.

MATT L.: Solid.

PETER: I got them -8. They should beat backwoods Arkansas Whatever State by 30.

[5:17 pm: Text thread paused.]

Thursday

7 p.m.

Text string resumes:

JUSTIN: Holy fucking shit Purdue.

MATT L.: They were up by fucking what? Fucking 14 with four minutes to go?!!

MATT: What’d they decide to play the seniors?

JUSTIN: Arkansas-Little Rock. Isn’t that where the Clinton Library is?

GIL: That’s the Clinton Presidential Center. And yes.

JUSTIN: I smell conspiracy.

PETER: You smell something.

CHRIS: Your bracket smells.

PETER: Your Mom’s bracket smells.

MATT L.: I don’t even know what that means, but I like the sound of it.

GIL: BTW, my Wichita State SHOCKED the Wildcats. Get it?

JUSTIN: Oh, look who’s back.

PETER: Your…fucking shockers.

CHRIS: I’ll give your mom the shocker.

PETER: Touche.

GIL: I had Wichita and the money line.

DREW: Shut up Nostra-fucking-dipshit.

GIL: Shut up Tommy-fucking Hilfiger.

[10:01 pm: Text thread paused.]

Friday

12:05 pm

Text thread resumes:

DREW: Holy fucking shit!

JUSTIN: Middle fucking Tennessee State. Isn’t that the school Scott Bakula and Sinbad played for?

GIL: Haha. Kathy Ireland was the kicker.

PETER: There goes my lunch money for two weeks.

MATT L.: Anyone else think the UConn fan mom on the Buffalo Wild Wings ad is hot?

CHRIS: Like to jerk off to?

GIL: You’re jerking off to commercials?

CHRIS: You’re jerking off to Kathy Ireland.

DREW: I just jerked off to Allie LaForce’s voice.

JUSTIN: I don’t think you’re supposed to say shit like that unless you want to pay her like $55 million in court.

MATT: ^ This guy with the sound advice. I’m a Jamie Erdahl guy myself.

JUSTIN: She’s a close-talker.

DREW: I think that’s just because none of the coaches can hear.

MATT: …She looks like a chick you dated for a couple months in college and then broke up with her for some stupid reason because you wanted to go hook up with uglier chicks.

JUSTIN: Yeah, that chick would TOTALLY have totally dated you.

MATT: I had cool tank tops.

CHRIS: Guys, newsflash. My bracket’s totally fucked. WVU needs to step up tonight. I have them going to the Final Four.

JUSTIN: They’re solid.

Peter: Agree.

[2:07 pm: Text thread paused.]

Friday

3 p.m.

Text thread resumes:

CHRIS: Stephen F. Austin. What the FUCK is that. Is that like a school you go to if you can’t be a Phoenix?

JUSTIN: Haha.

PETE: Can we talk more about Allie LaForce?

DREW: I’m thinking about making shirts that say ‘May LaForce be with you.’ And just, you know, start wearing them around the house.

MATT L. You make me scared to have daughters.

JUSTIN: …You mean, to be a daughter?

MATT: Zing.

JUSTIN: Anyone else notice that the band geeks don’t get any cooler, but they somehow get cockier every year?

MATT: I think it was that Stanford kid who rocked the xylophone and went viral a couple years ago that changed it.

DREW: It was cowbell.

MATT: You sure?

JUSTIN: I got the fever…and the only prescription..

GIL: …Anyone else think that if you work out as hard as they do…underwater boxing guy, whaaaat? in this Michelob Ultra ad you deserve to drink an actual beer?

PETER: Truth.

MATT L.: I think when you were talking about Jamie Erdahl earlier you were really talking about Jaime Maggio.

MATT: Why, is she a close talker too?

DREW: Guys, none of these old-guy coaches can fucking hear. Ergo, all the sideline chicks named Jamie have to be close talkers.

JUSTIN: MATT L., way to differentiate between the spelling of Jamie and Jaime.

MATT L.: I try to keep it accurate.

CHRIS: Jaime Maggio’s insta handle says: Be kind. Work hard. Stay humble. Smile often.

JUSTIN: Can you imagine a not-hot chick trying to get away with that bullshit?

PETER: Truth.

GIL: Does anyone know if LeBron, with four years of eligibility left, could come play?

[Text thread paused.]

MATT: Who’s got Holy Cross?

JUSTIN: Me.

PETER: Me.

MATT L.: …And the points, me. Pac-12 is fucking terrible. I’ve also got Texas. And I’d still bang Lily from AT&T.

JUSTIN: She was on that new Netflix show…as a shitty girlfriend.

CHRIS: Glad to see she’s getting work outside the denim shirt.

PETER: Truth.

CHRIS: All these chicks do is date dudes who look like you but run hedge funds or are pro golfers and go to Soul Cycle.

[4:37 pm: Text thread paused.]

Friday

9 p.m.

Text thread resumes:

JUSTIN: …Is SoulCycle one word or two?

MATT L.: One word.

JUSTIN: Thought so.

CHRIS: Anyone have Gonzaga?

MATT: Nope.

PETER: Nope.

DREW: I passed. …Could this Verizon ad be a bigger waste of Ricky Gervais?

MATT: Is that the one where they break that bitch’s phone and she freaks out like someone snapped the necks of a room full of bunnies?

JUSTIN: Gervais should be Batman.

GIL: …Arvydas Sabonis cryogenically unfroze himself, but—no go on Gonzaga.

JUSTIN: That’s a hells-to-the-no.

PETE: I’m only betting women’s hoops from now on. At least over there Hawaii doesn’t ever win shit and there’s no Jim Boeheim.

MATT L.: How fucking old is that guy anyway?

CHRIS: Old enough.

JUSTIN: This is a fucking disaster. I have only one of the Elite 8.

DREW: Who?

JUSTIN: Kentucky.

[8:56 pm: Text thread ends.]

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