Awww yeah, I’m gonna get the shit out of this job!
I am, admittedly, super good at two things.
- Coming up with incredible ideas in the middle of the night. Like last night it was a tornado in a jar. I don’t know exactly what that is, but I think it’d be like a lava lamp-type night light except it spins hypnotically while it changes color and is sold infomercial-style by Helen Hunt. I also thought it’d be cool to start a business that hires artists to airbrush movie posters and book covers like back in the day. The business name would be handmade.ink (<- it’s avail, I checked.)
- Writing cover letters. I can’t tell you why I’m so good at cover letters, I just am. It’s like me telling you I’ve got mad tetherball skills. You have to trust me but on the off-chance we meet someday on the playground, I’ll show you. I’ll show you by showing you up. Want the cheeky cover letter that sneaks in little factoids about awards I’ve, you know, garnered (<- great cover letter word.) Check. Looking for someone to tweet how Metallica’s Master of Puppets album is a track-by-track commentary on China’s foreign policy 1972 to 1986? I’m your guy. Or how ‘bout the fact that I can make myself stand out a little bit in the first sentence because I used to work with a girl who slept with your freshman year college roommate a bunch and this I found out at 3 a.m. during a FAM trip to Palm Desert in the lobby of La Quinta Resort (the nice one, not the chain) in 2002? No problemo.
That’s the kind of cover letter magic I whip up on the regular.
But once in awhile, a tasty job post morsel comes along that’s so rare, it makes me feel giddy, nervous—anticipatory, like I got this yo….kind of like whoever that 14-year-old was who showed the government how to hack an effing iPhone, um, felt.
Here it is:
Are you a born storyteller with a passion for wild places and environmental sustainability?
OK, you had me at ‘passion for wild places.’ I’m assuming this means I get to finally go visit Kink at The Armory in SF and find out how they really raised $15 million to buy that building.
Do you know how to take a complex issue and break it down for a broad audience without dumbing it down?
I believe this is a trick question. So my answer is yes…I mean, no.
When not at your keyboard, are you often out hiking, mountain biking, kayaking, back country skiing, or fishing?
So, basically you need someone who wants to do all the things that cause erosion with all the exploited labor shit made in Taiwan to piss off Sierra Club members between Everest summits and reimagining episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race and Project Runway Junior but on a desert island where contestants can only use found objects to make fashion? In.
If so, then SIERRA magazine might have a job for you.
Ding ding! ‘Might,’ ha. It’s in the bag. I think the only thing left to discuss is that I listen to Spotify rather than Pandora at work. Will that be a problem?
SIERRA is the storytelling arm of the Sierra Club.
Our award-winning print magazine reaches more than 1 million readers across North America, while our website attracts hundreds of thousands more.
…Including my former landlords who always used to leave it in the mailbox and I’d read it when I was bored on Tuesday nights and be like, ‘this trip to the Banff Mountain Film and Book Fest to interview fucking Alex Honnold before he dies sounds fucking insane.’ The writer thought so too, as he described Honnold as ‘croon(ing) pleadingly to the interviewer.’ Fuck yes! I can totes write shit like that about free soloists crooning pleadingly to me in the most majestic part of majestic Canada.
We employ the best journalistic practices—accuracy, thoroughness, and intellectual fairness— to enlist people in the movement to protect our shared environment.
Yeah yeah yeah. Got it. Got it. Got it.
We currently have two openings for journalistic black-belts who have the native talent, skills, and experience to help oversee our print and digital reporting.
Oh fuck. Black belts. Wax on wax off Sierra Club…loving that #viralmarketingspeak.
…Then it goes on to describe needing a ‘social media savant’ for the News Editor role which I’m assuming means if a waitress drops a box full of tweets in a diner you have to be able to count how many on first glance…and then memorize the phone book (or at least find a phone book to memorize.) The Managing Editor needs to ‘juggle operational and editorial duties’ which kind of killed my pre-cover letter buzz for a minute. There’s something about the word juggle that I automatically think should be followed by the word balls.
But that’s just me.
Anyway, here’s the first go at my SIERRA cover letter:
Dear hiring robots,
What’s up in the club—the SIERRA Club, that is.
My name is Andrew J. Pridgen and I’m going to be your new News/Managing Editor. <-See what I did there? I’m applying for both because neither really seems like a great fit. The News Editor gig sounds like you want someone who’s like 23 like when you hired Adam Werbach (#namedrop) straight outta Brown—what a publicity fucking fail that fucking was. Way to groom that silver fox to sell out to Wal-Mart so he could buy a sick place on the Mesa in Bolinas with an Insta-ready barn in the backdrop and plenty of land to grow organic veggies for Margaret Grade and Daniel DeLong (#namedrop). …At the same time, the Managing Editor post sounds like you want some dilettante who has worked in ops for Autodesk for a decade and a half after being laid off from The Industry Standard in 2001. Remember that shit? Fuck man, everyone but Eggers (#namedrop) worked there I think.
Anyway, I’m kind of somewhere in the middle of that, plus I used to work at The Point Reyes Light when this guy ran it and Nan McEvoy (#namedrop) used to stop by with all her Chron coin and give us advice and free yummy olive oil—so I know all about wanting to remain left of Mother Jones and shit.
I would hecka move to Oakland (and if you don’t think that’s funny than you don’t know me…or Oakland) and write unironically all about how even though we’re the Sierra Club and we’re still actually printing something which is probably pandering to those crazies in the Tahoe Area Group who still don’t have wi-fi and are like if Brit Marling (#namedrop) wrote a movie about a guerrilla faction of the Sierra Club with hot-ass Alexander Skarsgård (#namedråp) in charge.
Here’s a bunch of clips you won’t read. Here’s my Tinder profile (note: I didn’t use the word ‘amazing’ once) and here’s 6,300 words about my strange through-the-years obsession/one-way relationship with Mischa Barton that’s been rejected three times from Modern Love.
I look forward to meeting you and grabbing a drink at Make Westing (you know I know the owner and shit.)