Yes, this not only exists in 2016, but fans actually find flaws with it.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Baseball lives and dies with its promos. From the legendary (Disco Demolition Night, 10 Cent Beer Night) to the pandering (SF Social Media Night) to the sublime (Twins Fur Bomber Hat Day for those of you pining for the Grumpy Old Men/Newhart era)—horrible ideas executed with extreme confidence is baseball’s hallmark.

Yes, baseball is Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle.

Baseball is the 42-year-old project manager on the third day of a convention who’s trying to ‘flirt’ with the cart girl. He rolls out a breathy, armpitty arsenal of horrible jokes, threadbare pick-up lines and misbegotten attempts at self-aggrandizement: “I’d ask you to come back to the hotel with me, but my wife’s oncologist asked me not to leave her now.”

…But the Dodgers’ All You Can Eat Pavilion, might be the best of them:

  1. Because it’s super-unlike anything else you find at any West Coast stadium: At AT&T park there is an actual fucking culinary garden behind the center field concessions and two restaurants which allegedly sling the results (Garden Table and Hearth Table) including pizza, smoothies, juices, salads and an antipasti bar.
  2. Because it’s super cost-effective: $33/seat for AYCE Dodger Dogs™, nachos, popcorn, peanuts and Coke products. $33, btw is roughly the cost of one 8 oz. microbrew that actually recently sold out to a giant beer company and a pretzel at AT&T.
  3. Because nobody knows about it: Or at least nobody has taken advantage of it enough to make the Dodgers stop doing it. Which means nobody knows about it.

But the best part about what is basically the best part of all of baseball, is the Yelp reviews.

Here’s the deal folks: If I had a friend or relative who was really down…say they’re a sergeant in the LAPD Narco division who was just reassigned from Homicide. He comes with backstory of having served in Special Forces during Nam where he was a CIA operative/sniper in the “Phoenix Project”. He returned to the world to marry and try to be normal but watched his wife die in an apparent car accident which was actually an attempt on his life. This all forced him to become crazy/suicidal and sequestered in a trailer on the shores of Malibu. If this were the case, instead of letting him jump off a building with an innocent dude who wanted to jump off a building, I would load ‘em up in the Daihatsu and take him down to the AYCE Pavilion, stick a Dodger Dog™, or three, in his face and say, there you go—life ain’t so bad.

But if there’s ANY GROUP who can shoot holes in such perfection: The ocean green of the field, the (actual) Mid-century modern geometric contours of the outfield shade roof, the sway of the palm sending the immortal tones of Scully out to sea in time to real organ music bouncing off mountain lion- and starlet-stocked canyons of unrealized dreams—it’s The Yelpers.

Here then are the people who are more evil than a Sarah Palin Conservative Cruise—and how they HATE on pretty much the only reason to live:

Mark s.

San Fernando, CA

A WORD OF WARNING TO VEGETARIANS.

In years past, they offered Veggie dogs on request. They were never advertised, or on the menu board, but they were behind the counter if you asked. I went to a game late in the 2015 season to find that they no longer offered Veggie dogs!

Really Mark (lower-case) s. with the ALL-CAPS warning?! You’re going to a fucking all-you-can-eat pavilion and all-you-can-think-about is veggie dogs? Oye. Guess you go to strip club buffets for the veggie medley too.

Patrick L.

Los Angeles, CA

Some guys are stingy and they only give you ONE hot dog. Come on now, we’re in an AYCE pavilion…don’t be like that!

Don’t be like that? Sorry Patrick, but please, for the love of all things holy vendors, be like that. Look, I’m all for loading up at this magic place, but I’m also for working for it a little. One hot dog at a time seems perfectly reasonable. “And uh, nachos…and uh, 12 Dodger Dogs.” No. Unless your ID says Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi—they’re doing this for your own good.

Chris A.

Palo Alto, CA

The benches are too small, with no room to keep anything away from the ground, which became a cesspool within the first hour.

I’m going to have to agree with Chris (upper-case) A. a little here. The seats should be at least three feet longer/higher for the AYCE crowd. Also maybe a vendor with a rack of Prilosec OTC coming around in the 8th. If the Dodgers could just turn the AYCE pavilion seating into actual toilets, that might save a lot of people like Patrick L. and his contemporaries from having to get up and walk to the restroom at all.

Arthur M.

Henderson, NV

Come early because the food lines will be long and because of the new speed of play rules, you can miss chunks of the game.

Attention commissioner Manfred: Your new speed-up-the-game rules are TOTALLY interfering with my ability to get a fifth serving of nachos by the fourth inning. —Signed, EVERYONE at the Dodgers’ AYCE pavilion

And finally, Emil C.. from Diamond Bar just breaks it fucking down:

Now for the reason why you’re sitting in this section… the food! You start by getting in line and picking up a tray. First up are the bags of popcorn and peanuts. Next is what people come to a Dodger game for, the Dodger Dogs™. They make sure that you only get two at a time. Right next to the dogs are the nachos and cheese. Around the final corner, you’ll get the sodas and paper napkins. If you want water, they have water dispensers spread out in the entire area. Please note that beer, ice cream, frozen lemonade, churros, etc. are extra. The lines can be long at the beginning but they move really fast. Keep in mind that the Dodger Dogs™ do not taste as good as they normally would because they have to put out mass quantities to feed those trying to eat their money’s worth. Some times they will even limit you to just 1 dog per person. Food services stops at the end of the 7th inning.

It’s really not a pretty sight to see so many people stuff their faces. It’s a plain ‘ol feeding frenzy.

Holy shit! Emil C. just totally described Temple Grandin’s invention for how to kill cows humanely. This can only mean one thing: your long, slow march down the endless aisle of pain to eternity starts with picking up a tray and setting a pair of Dodger Dogs on it.

But who gives a fuck—you’ll die happy…or at least full.

 

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