…The Druck was recently suggested as someone I might know by the at-work networking site. And I was instantly transported.
LinkedIn is one of those annoying/necessary workday distractions. For most people, it’s the unblocked Facebook of business hours.
Downtime on LinkedIn = sifting through a lot of People You May Know wondering things like: Why is Laura from HR sitting there all flushed with the flower in her hair from the drink in her hand (unpictured)? Where does Ken from sales get off calling himself a “Thought Leader” when the most original notion he’s had in the last three years was to order a Goose Island instead of a Shock Top last time we were at BWW®? And what’s up with wearing pearls and posting a profile shot…on your actual profile pic Anne from PR? Who the fuck does that? I mean, I know we all have a good side but I’m thinking you’ve got a very Victor Victoria thing going on.
But then, every once in awhile, LinkedIn’s algorithm provides straight-up Doritos® Cheesy Godita Crunches from heaven. Sometimes it’s in the form of seeing your college hookup has all-new teef. Sometimes it’s seeing your first boss is so unemployed he calls himself “Founder and CEO of Panacea Consulting” and sometimes…it’s The muthafuckin’ Druck.
That’s right, THE Jim Druckenmiller.
For those of you not versed in The Druck, let me refresh your memory:
- Selected 26th overall in the 1997 N.F.L. Draft, The Druck left Virginia Tech with a degree in P.E. and a legendary six gun.
- Then 49ers head coach Steve Mariucci called The Druck the “quarterback of the future” one of Mooch’s 1.237 disastrously wrong predictions under headset whilst trolling the Candlestick sideline in Haggar® premium no-iron six-pleat slacks.
- To kick off the 1997 season, 49ers’ Hall of Fame QB Steve Young was nursing a hand injury. The Druck got a start in week 2 (Sept. 7) going 10 for 27 for 102 yards, one TD and three picks. The 9ers won 15-12.
- The Druck went on to see limited action in a pair of early season wins vs. the Saints and Falcons before going 5-for-11 for 64 yards, one interception, one sack and one rushing yard in a 38-9 loss to the Seahawks in the 1997 season finale.
- After appearing in only two games the following season, The Druck was offloaded to Miami for a conditional draft pick. He did not take a snap with the Dolphins.
- Off the field, The Druck had his share of issues including bar brawls and rape allegations. According to the wikipedias, in 1999, The Druck “breathed a sigh of relief and winked at a supporter sitting in the courtroom” when he was acquitted of raping a woman who had “vomited twice and fallen on a couch” the evening of the incident.
The Druck left the N.F.L. in 1999 going 21/52 for 239 yards with a 40.4% completion rate, 1 TD, 4 INTs, and a QB rating of 29.2. But his real career highlight came Aug. 2, 1998, in the wake of the 49ers’ first preseason game against the New England Patriots.
The 49ers won 14-13 but had a bevy of questions under center, including lingering issues with Young’s health, in the game’s wake. Druck got the majority of snaps that day and threw two pics near his own end zone. “One,” according to 49ers beat writer Tim Keown, “on a pass he never should have thrown and another on a pass he never should have thrown so hard.”
But here comes the best part—the thing of legend.
And so afterward, when asked about his second interception, Druckenmiller said, “I guess the receivers have got to remember that with Druck in there, it’s coming at you like a howitzer.”
BOOM! Sports quote of the fucking 20th Century—right under the wire.
Keown recognized the moment as significant.
He went on to say: This guy’s priceless. It’s obvious he needs to play more. Somebody needs to circulate a petition or something. Promise them a stadium, or a mall, anything to get this guy more playing time. Young is thoughtful and articulate, always able to find the right 18-20 words to sum up the whole experience. But Druck—Druck’s in a different league. Young can’t compete with a guy who goes third-person nickname on himself while in the act of verbally puffing up.
In a column entitled, “It’s Never Too Early To Start Worrying” which basically sums up the 49ers’ ensuing decade and a half, Keown also aptly wrote what would be a familiar refrain for 49ers fans for the next half-decade, that the squad should’ve taken Jake Plummer with their first-round pick. Of course, this misstep would later be overshadowed by the whole Giovanni Carmazzi over Tom Brady in the 2000 draft …thing.
Back to The Druck’s LinkedIn for a moment.
Feeling giddy and full of trepidation like that time I found a shoe box full of torn up porn in a field on the way home from school in 8th grade (not to mention, a little dirty) I clicked on The Druck’s profile. And there he was: A guy who looks like the manager of a West Covina Dick’s Sporting Goods, all balding and goatee’d—but still with that little glimmer in his eye and curl of the upper lip—my Druck had returned to me via the internet.
Sad to say, it all kind of went a little downhill from there.
From his cut-and-pasted Summary (including an alternative spelling of the word passionate)…
…To there being absolutely ZERO endorsements of his ability to bring it “like a howitzer” in his Top Skills—even though B2B cracked the top 5 as if that’s an actual fucking thing:
…To no mention of hooking up with girls after they puke (twice) under Additional Info:
…But my bigger question: why is The Druck someone I may know? I mean, I get it. I’ve always felt like in an alternate universe The Druck and I could be friends. My ex bought me his Dolphins jersey (true story) off eBay for Christmas 2000 and I’m pretty sure I use “coming at you like a howitzer” at least 50 times a month. It’s basically applicable for every type of situation: When the wet burrito gets dropped in front of you at team lunch; when an aggressive drunk guy is starting to close talk to the girl across the table from your group; when a cop is on your six and you just blew a stale yellow.
Am I thankful that LinkedIn has that secret something in their sauce that the facebooks and the google machine seem to possess—the uncanny ability to read my every thought? Yes, maybe. I just hope this doesn’t start a trend, otherwise I have a feeling former P.F. Chang Head and Stanford Grad Danny Pintauro and I are gonna connect real soon: