…As transcribed from actual sentence fragments.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

“Everyone gather on the floor at approximately 6:45 p.m. we’re going to stage the largest type 2 diabetes flash mob in history!”

“When Larry the Cable Guy is Secretary of State there’s NO WAY another Benghazi is going to happen…especially with that giant slingshot of his.”

“Not sure what’s next on the agenda…but I did get a flier about putting some Nikes on, drinking this potion and getting ready to board a comet.”

“Well, I was hoping to get his face as the cover up for my Hee Haw tattoo but up close he doesn’t look quite right.”

“It’s like Burning Man but for people who like to cough blood into a napkin instead of fuck.”

“Wait till the cameras are off — or the night’s last speaker — then you can all put on your sheets.”

“I had a MRI last week before I was cleared to travel. It showed I was 78 percent hot dog and the rest was stuff the doctor said only OxiClean can get out.”

“Before I left I said, ‘Well, it’ll be better than dialysis.’ Now I’m not so sure.”

“Conservative values, like lying about who wrote your own speech on integrity?”

“…No, immigrants are OK as long as they’re super models.”

“Racist? I’ll have you know I LOVE all kinds of races including both Nascar and the XFINITY series.”

“Was that thing by Rudy Giuliani a speech or his audition for the next Men in Black?”

“I mean, as much as we don’t want Clint to come and start talking to a chair again, that’s pretty much the best thing that’s happened to this convention in the last decade.”

“…Oh, wait, we’re using that for Donald’s speech…OK then.”

“He might’ve been a little better off getting one of his ex wives to speak…”

“Cleveland is OK, but little too far, um, north for my tastes…if you know what I’m saying.”

“And on the day two of speaker agenda we have most of the cast of season two of Temptation Island.”

“When is someone going to tell Bob Dole this isn’t a Rich Dad Poor Dad seminar?”

“Nobody ever accused Abba of being too white!”

“So you’re saying we’re the punchline? Whoa.”

“OK, we need at least a dozen volunteers to put black face on tonight. Don’t worry, Fox will only show you briefly on the cutaway.”

“It’s like Golden Corral in here but without the food. In other words, all the same self-loathing and shame but none of the chocolate fountain.”

“Who brings a child to Hate-a-palooza?”

“Sorry I’m late, I was up in my room watching some show about drag racing that only featured these really attractive, statuesque women…after awhile, I didn’t even care that there weren’t any cars.”

“Trump is only one of thousands of homophobes here who needs to come out to a Queen song.”

“Last time I was in some place this big with this many angry white people, they were at least giving out samples.”

“I mean, I needed do to something to kill time before the next installment of Fast and Furious hits theaters.”

“Next time I get my teeth bleached I’m going to bring in Paul Ryan’s picture of the interns and just say, I want that shade.”

“Toilets are already overflowing. Big surprise.”

“What do you mean burning these crosses indoors is a fire hazard?”

“…I just didn’t realize that this whole mess was going to preempt Wheel of Fortune.”

“I have to admit, when Trump got the nomination it was a little like when Lilly Pulitzer did a line for Target. I was cheering on the outside and crying on the inside.”

“What do you mean this voucher for one of his hotels doesn’t work? Is it too late to change my vote??”

“Don’t act so worried, ISIS only targets places the rest of the country cares about.”

“I just wanted to thank the police for confiscating my firearm at the convention entrance and keeping all of you safe from me, for now.”

“We need to hurry up and wrap this thing, the California delegates are getting nervous there will be a wall up by the time they get back.”

“Chuck Todd’s new look is proof that there’s going to be a From Dusk Till Dawn sequel after all.”

“There’s no way that Rob Lowe is getting any at this convention. Not if I can help it…even if he does bring that camera of his.”

Andrew J. Pridgen is the author of “Burgundy Upholstery Sky,” he lives in California and has been to a See’s Candies on Christmas Eve and knows first-hand what it’s like to have that many angry white people packed into one small space needing candy.