Listen, I really liked Star Wars: The Force Awakens and I’ll probably like Rogue One: A Star Wars Story when it comes out this week because Disney has my number. But I still have a few bones to pick, so read this as a continuation of the immediate post-remastering/prequels fanboy bitching…

Written by Kyle Magin

…And another thing, why the hell did John Williams consent when George Lucas got rid of Yub Nub?

Yub Nub, at the end of Return of the Jedi, is the realest celebration song that’s ever been sung. It’s a bunch of drunk Ewoks and Rebel pilots and strike teams banging on whatever musical instrument/hard surface was nearest them after destroying Death Star II.

Have you ever celebrated something instantaneous, some relieving, large-large scale victory? No? That’s because you’re an American in 2016 and nothing has ever ended during your life. We’ll be at war in Afghanistan for at least another 16 years, and maintain troops there well into Eric Trump’s second term.

BUT, when we did win things, victory parties weren’t choreographed and scripted like this dumbass victory song Lucas had Williams shoehorn in over Yub Nub when he remastered Jedi. This song is tortured. It was probably agreed upon by the same CEOs who spent their time away from lighting cigars with $100 bills by planning Reagan’s star spangled funeral. This is a celebration that is rote and formulaic and probably ended with a toast that eventually released people to celebrate the way they fucking wanted to.

No, when we celebrate the end of war, the end of a conflict that killed or harmed our family members, that imposed itself on our way of life, we cut loose, undirected. Organic.

My Grandmother loved to tell the story of the original VJ Day in 1945. As soon as word of the Japanese surrender rattled the family radio, people poured onto her street in a small mid-Michigan town. Traffic stopped and people just started honking their horns. She climbed up on her dad’s shoulders and he bounced her around… just to watch happy people stop their cars and honk their horns and holler and exhale a peacetime breath for the first time in four years. It wasn’t planned, and it damn sure probably didn’t sound like the opening ceremonies of a World Cup.

That’s the O.G. spirit of Yub Nub. Some pleasant drunk idiot like Jimmy Fallon reaching for a xylophone and tapping out a happy melody in between laughing and dancing. Just enjoying peace, and victory, and good company gathered together in the common cause of HEY THIS TERRIBLE THING IS OVER LET’S GET IT LIT!

It was so happy that people who should know better embrace the photo of that drunk rapey sailor grabbing and kissing a lady in Times Square. A party like that would sound corny to somebody who wasn’t there, to somebody who didn’t just drop a bunch of fascists like a bad habit. Getting corny when you’re happy is part of the point of chasing happiness. I want to accomplish something that lets me cut loose like a weird furry Endorean bear creature who wears a hood and no other clothes for no particular reason. Hanging a W let’s you do that.

So, yeah, it was wack to knock off Yub Nub. Hopefully if Rogue One has a genuine happy scene, Disney doesn’t mess with it in a few decades.

Rogue One will be released in theaters Friday, Dec. 16. No official word on whether Ewoks will be involved just yet.

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