Make it a stocking stuffer, as long as your feet are the size of Coit Tower.

For Immediate Release

[Olympic Valley, Calif.] Dec. 22, 2016 – Squaw Valley Ski Holdings, LLC, in an effort to bring forward additional holiday mirth for supporters of the Village at Squaw Valley redevelopment project, has come up with what every skier totes has no idea he really wants till he is told he needs it: A full-scale replica Christmas village based on the designs for the new village at Squaw.

Parent company KSL Capital Partners, a Colorado-based private equity firm, says its replica Christmas village is the most complete and up-to-date scale model of what it is maybe going to build at Squaw over the next quarter century. KSL officials also acknowledge that the way things are going, human occupation of Olympic Valley and the wondrous Earth in general seems, “almost as far fetched as us actually getting this thing built.”

So why not enjoy a replica village while we still exist?

Officially known as The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™, owning the replica village would redevelop, augment and complete the unfinished Original Village at Squaw Valley Replica Christmas Village™ that was available to ski village enthusiasts in the early 2000s and is now considered a collectible among many as it was the very first timeshare replica Christmas village on the market.

The original, it should be noted, came with a pair of miniature Massholes hanging out after their banquet catering shift at the replica Squaw Creek Village (a piece of cardboard painted black) fighting to for the attention of the “hot bartender girl” who is “taking a couple semesters off” from Chico. “You watched me win the wasabi snorting contest at Mamasake last week,” one says. “Tell me you weren’t impressed. Just tell me that and I’ll go away.”

“The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ would establish your holiday village replica resort as a premier mountain resort destination in your living room,” said Andy Wirth, president and CEO of Squaw Valley Ski Holdings. “[The village will] ensure you and yours will have a sustainable future for all your holiday replica village needs. Also if you break a pencil in two and sharpen the broken eraser end and the ragged end of the other broken part you have three pencils. I don’t know why this is important, but I am contractually obligated to throw in a broken pencil analogy quote in every press release.”

Wirth noted The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ should be displayed on 90 percent “disturbed lands” of your home including the driveway (because it’s already paved), the laundry room or other places already zoned for limited family activity, like the downstairs bathroom nobody ever really cleans.

This is a gift generations upon generations will enjoy, Wirth continued. “The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ features new on-site lodging and recreation opportunities and can be left up in your house year-round. The set includes approximately 1,493 bedrooms, timeshares and condos along with a 90,000-square foot replica waterpark which should fit “nicely in your living room as long as your living room is as big as mine,” Wirth said.

In other words, hopefully your house is at least 28 stories high to house the village as it’s 1:5 scale—with the exception of the waterpark, that’s actual size just to give you an idea of how ridiculous it is.

While all Christmas Villages do not go up in value, Wirth said he feels The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ will not only be a cherished heirloom but an investment opportunity, and not just because it comes with a carried interest option. Carried interest is a giant tax loophole private equity firms enjoy which enables them to pay preemptive dividends to investors and top stakeholders regardless of whether they’re making money, losing money or simply borrowing money from other ventures.

“Basically it doesn’t matter whether you buy The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ or come here skiing or hate our plans for development more than a melanoma,” Wirth said.

“Honestly,” Wirth continued, “I don’t know how the tax code works very well but I do know win or lose, we get paid. And I didn’t say ‘honestly’ because I wasn’t being honest before. It’s just how I start sentences, especially in press releases.”

The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ will also create more year-round local jobs in your household (it always requires maintenance), offer on-site affordable workforce housing (hear that kids! You can live in it) and provide tremendous benefits that will echo across your neighborhood (those echoes will be the neighbors inevitable screams). The The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ will also crush any of your neighbor’s Christmas villages or any of yours to date for that matter. So there.

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of The Village at Squaw Valley Specific Plan Redevelopment Replica Christmas Village™ will go toward helping Placer County fight a pair of lawsuits filed by Sierra Watch in light of the county commissioners’ ill-informed and poorly timed decision to allow KSL to kick around Olympic Valley like a broken Coinstar machine. Other funds will go towards importing potable water from Flint, Michigan to improve the E. coli situation at High Camp.

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Happy Holidays to you and yours from your friends at Death of the Press Box!

Image: Mason Schroder

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