Please bow your heads…

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Dear Lord, mighty God, everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace,

At this time of uncertainty, please keep us on this Christmas Day from being preoccupied by the distractions that face a nation and a world.

And please punish mightily with sores on the crooks of their elbows the almost three million extra Americans, mostly from California or New York or wherever they fly rainbow flags and burn NORMAL flags, who almost voted into power a thing that used to bleed from her thing.

Please punish mightily with sores on their mouths for calling our new exalted leader a man who is cruel, heartless and so easily distracted he cannot remember what he said the previous sentence much less what he did the day before, or the week before or who he insulted two weeks ago so when he is reminded of it, he calls other people liars.

Please punish mightily with sores on their genitals for calling my new Corvette-colored messiah choice names I do not understand and dare not repeat like that he’s full of what I call “feces” or that he’s a despot (it’s DEPOT libtards, like HOME DEPOT!), a heretic, a false idol, and someone with such a laughable shock of store-bought hair that you can almost see the staples beneath.

Please help keep him in Your grace as he assumes a position of power to literally destroy your beautiful and precious Earth with the simple push of a button, if only he could remember specifically where that button is. Oh yeah, it’s right there, handcuffed to that guy who’s carrying a briefcase. Why is that guy carrying a briefcase and what was I looking for again?

Please keep in Your mighty regard the activities of my family and close friends as we celebrate together these probable final holidays on this Earth before we are inevitably bombed into nuclear winter protecting our freedoms You gave us with Your Grace. And continue to watch after those of us who for whatever reason are lucky enough to be in the middle part of Wyoming or Alaska when it happens so we can eventually dig out and start a new tribe maybe not celebrating You specifically but maybe a worshipping a nearby rock that looks like a giant fist with a middle finger blown off.

Please also bless the Gaines family and their extended friends who have received the gift of open concept floor plans in Waco this year. Bless Chip and Jo like one million times over every other family except for mine.

As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Your only begotten son our Lord and savior who may or may not have had a five o’clock shadow at the time of his first known squawks and was a shit carpenter and (…by the way, what was there to carpenter back then? Was it like a cobbler is today, maybe a job so behind the times it was ahead of the times—I’m asking for a friend (?)

Please next year (if there is a next year) make sure there is ONLY Christmas-themed …and I’m talking CHRISTMAS (not other lesser holidays that are around this time of year which will not be mentioned) Starbucks cups. Or, if there’s someone Muslim-looking serving them, well, please give me strength to do your bidding forgive them as you forgave us as you did in Ephesians 4:32: I forgive you Muslims for being Muslim, but I still need you to register to make sure you don’t attack the neighborhood Jimmy John’s where my husband lunches five times a week but only tells me about maybe twice.

And thank you Lord Jesus, foremost for putting the entire Trump family on the Mayflower and making sure they rose to prominence and good fortune through the generations. When Trump revises and re-brands the Bill of Rights and the Constitution as the TRUMP “REAL AMERICAN” FREEDOMS DOCTRINE to improve upon and update your blessed, sacred documents of our white founding fathers for today’s Christian American, I will know your mission to protect us from evil with your spirit of wisdom and benevolence will have been complete.

Teach us, Oh Lord, to remain kind and considerate to people who look, act, talk, think and worship the EXACT same way I do. And only those people. Actually, just mostly the people from my church and not the Stowes or both sets of Johnstons. I’m not going to say whether those families don’t return casserole dishes when we’re doing a meal train, but you go ahead and look in my cupboards then look in theirs and you tell me.

Compassionate Father, give me the strength to overcome the so-called truth that liberals so often say they are referencing with their tricks and open their thick, nothing skulls to hear Your words of wisdom instead.

Help me to help them know that You and You alone created this planet and man and dinosaurs and Mountain Dew from the first glades of morning grass and you and you alone will destroy it whenever you GD feel like it. Let them know that carbon fuel emissions and all the trash we put in the ocean has nothing to do with anything but being a cruel hoax. Humans were put here to do your bidding and sometimes (most of the time) that requires guns. Please grant me the strength to look science and numbers square in the eye in the new year and spit on them and spread the gospel that the phone they are reading this on is a wondrous miracle in from Your hands as You created AT&T and Verizon to compete for our hard-earned AMERICAN dollar!

Thank You oh Lord in advance for opening Congress’s eyes to get all socialist enterprises out of the government, to leave the sick and the elderly and children without healthcare coverage in a lurch and without any kind of social safety net in the new year. Even those who worked their whole lives should have to keep working or probably die, unless it’s someone in my family, then we will pray and pray and pray and rely on your charity and love to guide us through the difficult passage. Help big corporations to continue do the right thing when it comes to deregulation of water and air controls and fair financial systems and help create tax breaks so big that private enterprise will take care of ALL people under their benevolent umbrellas instead of raping the land and leaving the common worker helpless.

And when we switch to an all-private charter school system, please enable me to afford the best in Christian curriculum money can buy which means Bible study most of the day and a trip to the Creation Museum for graduation to see the Ark, yes, the REAL Ark.

And when women murderers who were asked to be raped go into the strip mall shrines of death to murder their babies please …just please take away their rights to do that under the Reverse Lena Dunham Act. I don’t Oh Lord, believe in government regulation unless it means regulating what women can and cannot do. And let them know what they want to do is YOUR choice and if you choose to strike them down, I will support you. After all, Psalm 119:14-16, 18, 32 says we run in the path of Your commands, for You have set our hearts free!

Lord, we want to be passionate about the things You are passionate about. Help each member of my family to be a student of the Bible as it is the only textbook, instruction manual, science journal and work of fiction (even though it’s 100-percent true) that exists. Teach us to pray when we join with Russia to destroy the free will of the commoner for the intense and unfounded profit of the few who I assume exalt You.

As I begin my task of burning every book and newspaper that isn’t Your Word in the new year, please support me and help me declare prophetic promises and decrees from Your Word over all other things ever.

I guess that’s about all on this Christmas Oh Lord! Thank you for bringing your second savior son, Donald J. Trump to carry out your bidding and with any luck, and his help, I’ll be seeing you soon at the pearly gates in 2017!

Andrew J. Pridgen is the author ofBurgundy Upholstery Skyand wishes you and yours a very happy holidays!

 

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