Also, I hope there’s something to come back to when I wake up.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Nobody has any idea what just happened.

Usually when we see things for the first time, some barrier-breaking moment live that remains indelible in our psyche and a part of the conversation forever after, it is something positive: Michael Jordan’s dunk from the free throw line, Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk at the Grammy’s, Gallagher’s The Smashing Watermelon Collection available on Amazon but what happened Wednesday at Donald Trump’s first press conference since he’s been elected leader of the air-quotes free world defies all logic and reason.

We saw a neurotic septuagenarian pretend that he has absolute power to turn his nose up to all political norms, the Constitution, the free press and the people he’s charged with serving. That’s all.

Gone are any servile attitudes that he showed during his Nuremberg rallies of the campaign and post-campaign and here to stay was the literal cheering from his peanut gallery of surrogates (the press conference was hosted on the home turf of Trump Tower for starters…that’s a no-no) along with a quick, decisive and unceremonious dumping of the independent press midway through their first date.

He like literally got up to go to the bathroom after placing his drink order and never returned.

The dismissal of a free press is the same as taking away our personal freedoms, period. And that’s what’s ultimately scary. We have seen nothing like this err — ever — so we don’t know how to react. Those who are interested in God-given liberties and, you know, keeping this whole thing moving in the right direction so we can enjoy the next 30 seasons of Dancing with the Stars without worrying about how the construction of actual Thunderdome is coming along are scared shitless and freaking the fuck out on Twitter and Facebook and calling all the numbers that maybe lead to a representative.

Those who lean towards wanting an authoritarian regime — mostly because, frankly, the closest thing they’ve had to living under one is their boss at Sonic asking them to work a double on a Friday — are for whatever reason gloating and preening. Why this is happening, I have no idea. But maybe we can talk it over in the bread line.

It only took minutes before Trump began to point and demean, first by dismissing BuzzFeed’s publication of his kompromat (which is Russian for we’ve got dirt on you) dossier.

While BuzzFeed’s report was rolled up outside journalistic norms prior to corroboration, CNN — which he also insulted, demeaned, humiliated and bullied during the press conference — did not publish the same dossier but did do a story on the verified 2-page summary that included intelligence related to four members of the Trump campaign colluding with Russian counterparts. They also released evidence that US intelligence chiefs shared intel with Trump that Russia was actively trying to compromise him.

Trump for his part called CNN “fake news,” which was a term that came about describing his birther movement among other far-right lies …and then he went after CNN reporter Jim Acosta who, you know, had the audacity to try to ask a question. After the finger pointing and yelling (from the president-elect, not from Acosta) Trump’s press secretary does what a good press secretary ought to and threatened to eject him.

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuckidy fuck fucking fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck — fuck-a-fuck fuck fuck.


All of this was going on at the very same time Rex Tillerson, the Exxon Mobile chief/Vladimir Putin’s favorite four square buddy, was getting confirmed to, you know, handle all matters of diplomacy for this country starting presumably with opening up the Arctic for drilling because fuck you planet it’s times to get paid!

There was also the matter of a prop stack of papers at the press conference that had been waiting to be shredded in Trump’s office since whenever — presumably they are the Ivana Trump divorce settlement docs — which he pointed out and said something vague about how those represented the complexity of his businesses because to someone living in a perpetual state of 1983 thinks stacks of paper = lots of work. To clarify, his attorney, who was also the opener because that’s normal. I don’t recall Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush or Obama having their personal attorneys do their pressers, but I should got back and check the film. Anyway, she ran the majority of this first meeting with the media reading prepared statement double-talk and attempting to validate why her boss is refusing to disclose his tax returns, divest of his businesses or enter into any kind of blind trust.

The reason(s) are, naturally, it would cost him money.

Like how the FUCK is that America’s problem, A. And B, things you should’ve thought of BEFORE RUNNING FOR EFFING PRESIDENT.

Remember everyone, the Constitution is not like those solar walkway lights you get at Costco to line your driveway. It does not turn on and work on its own. In order for it to be the sacred living breathing document of the people that it has been for almost two-and-a-half centuries you need, at the very baseline, a leader who means it when he swears to protect it when he takes the oath of office.

“The only one that cares about my tax returns are the reporters,” Trump said. “They’re the only ones. But no, I don’t think so. I won — I mean, I became president — no, I don’t think they care at all. I don’t think they care at all.”

He actually said that shit. No, everyone cares. After son Eric said your family empire has a disproportionate amount of business in Russia — we should all especially care. Reporters, it is their job to get the correct information and share it with us. That is why they care. That is why we care. Just because you don’t want us to care doesn’t mea—

Oh fuck it, I’m exhausted.

Anyway, I’ve got a lead on the place where Walt Disney’s and Ted Williams’ heads are kept in suspended animation. Will pass out the number if it looks promising.

Andrew J. Pridgen is the author of the novellaBurgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.