(Hint: It’s the medias) …But guess who’s not? That’s right the GO to the P.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

Less than thirty days after we for whatever-the-fuck-reason installed a molding piece of citrus you just found in the back of the crisper while cleaning out the fridge whose human form is a merkin-wigged former reality TV star and unconfirmed billionaire Chinese tie and frozen steak salesman in power to run the highest office in the land for personal gain, we are treated to a blizzard of head-slapping no-fucking-shit revelations from the highest ranks of our intelligence community.

And the media is finally reporting it, straight up.

That Trump and his surrogates have been compromised by Mother Russia for a long, long …long time is a revelation akin to me dropping a yogurt on the kitchen floor and instead of cleaning up the splatter calling out to my girlfriend, “Honey come look, I think I just discovered gravity.”

Short of wearing a red CCCP shirt, re-branding Ivanka’s evening wear with a hammer and sickle emblem and signing his autograph Captain Ivan Drago, the telegrapher-in-chief pretty much told, I don’t know, fucking EVERYONE that this was happening heading into the home stretch of his campaign.

There was no clearer a time of his Facebook official status changing to “In a Relationship” with the land of Tolstoy and Teddy KGB than the would-be the last press conference of his campaign on July 27, 2016 in Doral, Florida. Embedded in one of his nonsensical screeds of hyper-vigilant meme-in-real-life shock phrases, Trump called on his chosen leader, the man he said “had much better leadership qualities than Obama” to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails.

“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” he said. “I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”

Christ on a Triscuit.

And instead of investigating the damaging, dangerous and potentially treasonous remarks and WHY in the ever-loving fuck a mainstream presidential candidate would say such things the press instead focused on Clinton’s emails, you know because she’s a woman and can’t trust them…ostensibly helping Russia help Trump get elected.

And now we’re left with an administration in chaos, a country under siege, a Kellyanne in need of a three-week nap and an old man completely out of his league in matters of policy, legality and basic civic duty…not to mention the handshaking.

And everyone in effing the land of the formerly free when they read headlines like this from CNN is like:

So here’s what we know now from this most recent no-shit storm of information:

  • The week after Trump won, Russia’s deputy foreign minister told a reporter in Moscow that “there were contacts” between Russian officials and the Trump campaign. “Obviously, we know most of the people from his entourage,” he said as if he was Ari Gold referring to Turtle.
  • Two U.S. intelligence officials disclosed intercepted communications between Russian officials before and after the election discussing their belief that they had special access to Trump.
  • Concern over whether Trump and or his associates were coordinating with Russian intelligence operatives over the release of damaging information about the Hillary Clinton campaign was rampant among the intelligence community.
  • On Jan. 11 and Jan. 15, Trump and then VP Mike Pence were asked if they were ever in contact with Russian officials throughout their campaign and they said no. (They lied.)

…We know they fucking lied because, you know, I dunno, phone records.

Today today’s front page story in the New York Times has the goods: “Phone records and intercepted calls show that members of Donald J. Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign and other Trump associates had repeated contacts with senior Russian intelligence officials in the year before the election, according to four current and former American officials. American law enforcement and intelligence agencies intercepted the communications around the same time they were discovering evidence that Russia was trying to disrupt the presidential election by hacking into the Democratic National Committee.”


“…The officials said the intercepted communications were not limited to Trump campaign officials, and included other associates of Mr. Trump. On the Russian side, the contacts also included members of the government outside of the intelligence services.”


“…The call logs and intercepted communications are part of a larger trove of information that the F.B.I. is sifting through as it investigates the links between Mr. Trump’s associates and the Russian government, as well as the hacking of the D.N.C.”

Paul Manafort, who was Trump’s campaign chairman for several months last year as well as a consultant for a Kremlin-backed politician, denied any ties to Russia calling the allegations, for which there is proof saying “This is absurd.”

Note to anyone who does anything wrong, ever: Once you say “This is absurd” you might as well start the plea bargain paperwork, or at the very least follow it up with a look of feigned surprise and a “You’ll never catch me.”

Faced with the biggest attack on American soil since 9/11 and the first, only (and hopefully) last time a candidate and a president has been compromised by a foreign entity and one that is not at all friendly, the GOP for its part thus far is DOING FUCKING NOTHING.

Wait, that’s not true, Jason Chaffetz, Utah’s 3rd congressional district representative and the chairman of the United States House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform…the man who went all-in batshit for four years of committees, subcommittees and seven go-nowhere investigations and hearings on the nature of the security of a private email server is all over this shit.

And by all over this shit, I of course mean he’s instagramming a picture of a bedazzled American Flag brooch he picked up at the South Jordan CVS before cruising home Tuesday night:

Happy Valentine's Day to my sweetheart Julie. Love her!

A post shared by Jason Chaffetz (@jasoninthehouse) on

Who knows, maybe cupid comrade Chaffetz is in on it too.

Day 26.

Andrew J. Pridgen is the author of the novellaBurgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.