…Just wanted to clarify before you go down a Google Maps rabbit hole to coordinate her location based on her last dozen tweets.
This has happened throughout time.
When Romeo and Juliet were on the rocks,
Paris Paul Rudd was waiting in the wings. When Antony wasn’t quite seeing it Cleopatra’s way, Brutus and Cassius were there to do her bidding. When DiCaprio tosses aside another burgeoning supermodel like a Tuesday turkey sandwich Ziploc, a bull pen of hedge fund guys are waiting, warmed up to pick up the pieces in Turks and Caicos.
…Or then there’s, you know, all of Bachelor in Paradise.
And so it goes, throughout time, one man’s discarded mess of broken-down communication and never-quite-could-remember-to-put-the-seat-back-down-every-time is another man’s pre- that-time-of-the-month sweats fantasy — only now we’re aided by the interents.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and actress Olivia Munn announced their split yesterday and things haven’t seemed so promising since Minka Kelly told TMZ she was just looking for a “normal guy, a Seth Rogan-type*” after her fallout with Jeter.
Face it bros, you went straight to the social medias when you clicked over from Tebow’s minor league homer run to this one. I only wish I could see how much traffic Olivia Munn’s Insta spikes over the next 72 hours as bros casually check in on her — just to see, you know, if she’s OK.
…Looks OK to me
…all while thinking up one some of their best Lloyd Christmas movies:
People’s Karen Mizoguchi broke the story that launched hundreds of thousands of “Where Does Olivia Munn Hang Out” searches …with made up quotes. Rodgers and Munn, she wrote “have amicably ended their relationship of three years” yet remain “close friends and wish nothing but the best for each other moving forward.”
What does that mean, close friends? Are they going to meet up for midweek for a Shock Top, text eggplant emojis to one another with a Baywatch trailer .gif attached and get in a fight on Facebook messenger over who’s hosting “Settlers” this week?
And while you haven’t fantasized this much since Margot Robbie broke down Aussie slang, on a desert island …just for you:
…you’ve got at least the weekend to ponder wonder whether you’re the man to fill Rodgers’ size 14 sneaks. Hope that 6-year, $138 million contract comes through by Monday.
That’d be a start.
*By Seth Rogan type she meant disarmingly charming, next-level hysterical, Canadian-kind and, accomplished at an otherworldly young age and worth nearly $50 million. Just because you might have a pooch and can grow a beard does not make you Seth Rogan, it makes you the IT guy who shouldn’t have taken down that whole burrito at lunch.