Friday, December 15, 2017

#YallQuaeda: To What End?

Dear Marginalized, undereducated, Fox News-watching, gun-toting white boy in Oregon blaming government regulations on National Forest land for your lot in life instead of blaming government de-regulation in trade and finance, I don’t know if any of you can access the internet to read this. Hell, I’m not sure you can read. What I DO know is that you should immediately...

49ers’ Tomsula firing press release reads more like the head coach was killed by a movie villain

Just as things couldn't get worse in Santa Clara, it appears Hans Gruber has taken over the press office. By Andrew Pridgen From making bad draft picks, to misbegotten moves out of San Francisco to coaching decisions gone askance—the 49ers' ownership and front office can’t seem to do anything right. Add writing coach-firing press releases to that list. The announcement that the...

Oregon to interview Atreyu and Falkor to replace Helfrich and Pellum

Hoping to exorcise the un-magic that happened in the second half of the Alamo Bowl, Oregon’s head coach and defensive coordinator search starts with a pair of trusted names. ...But it's not who you think. By Andrew Pridgen This offseason, the Oregon Ducks should not waste any time firing head coach Mark Helfrich and defensive coordinator Don Pellum and his pimp...

The greatest gift of 2015: Kobe Bryant’s retirement poem

Has Kobe Bryant found a new career as a writer? Surprisingly, maybe. By Andrew Pridgen I have much to be thankful for when reflecting on the year that was in sports: The collapse of the dreaded Santa Clara 49ers and the faithful waking up to the York family boondoggle. The continued marketing juggernaut the San Francisco Giants have become and how...

That’s So Bo

Like Homer abandoning Springfield in the Simpsons Movie, Bo Ryan is exiting college basketball with both middle fingers up in a less-than-heroic retreat. Written by Kyle Magin Bo Ryan has the most perfectly complementary personality/face combination in the history of college basketball, a sport Adolph Rupp’s tom turkey visage gobbled its way angrily through for decades. The former University of Wisconsin...

This year we’re giving San Francisco the greatest gift of all: Its 49ers back

Editor's Note: Each holiday season DPB tries to give a little back to the sports that have given us so much (to write about). Last year it was offering to buy a Candlestick Park urinal off the SF Recreation & Parks Department. This year, well, we're offering to buy the 49ers off the York family...and return them to The...

Squaw CEO Andy Wirth is the Aaron Sorkin of terrible emails

Once a quarter Squaw CEO Andy Wirth grabs a hold of his keyboard and spits out magic. By Andrew J. Pridgen Whether it’s “confirming the prevailing wisdom” (<-- my favorite #wirthline to date; how does one confirm such ambiguities?) that Olympic Valley residents shouldn’t have the power to incorporate or his latest offering attempting to muzzle board members while wearing...

Hey Papi, just walk off

Farewell tours are never good. See: KISS. But what's worse than a bad farewell tour (every farewell tour) is a preordained one for sport. Just a bad fit for something that honors men and women explicitly for skills they have for a very finite period of time in their young, but developed lives. Here Kyle Magin discusses the dark...

Saying Goodbye to Golfer Guy

Not only are Golfer Guy’s actions and attitude horrible for the environment but the asshole culture that has evolved as his numbers continue to dwindle is vexing. By Andrew Pridgen For a time, my father was a Golfer Guy but never really knew it. Most Golfer Guys don’t. The tidewaters turned up a number of things in the immediate recession that was...

East Coast blasé: How the College Football Playoff selection committee’s early bedtime has resulted in ZERO West Coast representation

The good thing about the BCS before it morphed into a #fourteamplayoff was at least the computer didn’t have to go to bed early/wasn’t too blacked out from the Mississippi State/Ole Miss tailgater to make somewhat lucid decisions not based on whether you say y’all unironically. By Andrew Pridgen Of the dozen College Football Playoff selection committee members only ONE has...