Thursday, March 30, 2017

Republican Convention: Actual overheards from the RNC floor

...As transcribed from actual sentence fragments. By Andrew J. Pridgen “Everyone gather on the floor at approximately 6:45 p.m. we’re going to stage the largest type 2 diabetes flash mob in history!” “When Larry the Cable Guy is Secretary of State there’s NO WAY another Benghazi is going to happen...especially with that giant slingshot of his.” “Not sure what’s next on the agenda...but...

I wish I knew how to quit you the internet

I mean, I am gonna quit you. And I will miss you when I need to look up at 2:27 a.m. what happened to Peter Ostrum (Charlie Bucket in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) hint: large animal vet ...but I won’t miss much else. By Andrew J. Pridgen I am quitting the internet. I am quitting, but not in the...

Ali

I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want. — Muhammad Ali By Kyle Magin Were Muhammad Ali born 50 years earlier than 1942, he’d have been lucky to get a shot at the heavyweight boxing title of the world, and...

Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show may have something …and no, it’s not a STD

Bad reviews, her executive producer's dismissal and documenting the first time Tony Hale and Bill Hader have ever not been funny on camera notwithstanding… Handler is learning episode by episode how to bring the talk show into this century. By Andrew J. Pridgen Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show comes off not as important as it is self-important. Though her directives are...

Welcome to The Suck Graduates

It’s graduation season, which means if you’re bedecked in a mortar board and tassel everyone older than you is about to offer advice. Which is fine. It’s exciting to see graduates. Your smiles are indelible. Your gowns pressed so neatly juxtaposed with that look in your eye, like you know something the rest of us don’t. It’s irresistible. By Andrew...

Squaw’s Bosses Planning to Break Resort Like a Piggy Bank, Collect the Cash and Run

Why Squaw is fucked. (Click here to see how to un-fuck it.) By Andrew J. Pridgen Before we jump feet first into the water theme park and the specifics of the Squaw redevelopment plan which they all but burnt the edges of to make it look like an old treasure map like you did for a 5th grade project, let’s get...

Locals and Conservationists May Have to Make a Deal with the Devil to Save Squaw

How to un-fuck Squaw Valley. (Click here to see why it's fucked.) By Andrew J. Pridgen Squaw CEO Andy Wirth has become something of a sympathetic creature of late in that he has to continue to carry a party line that is completely out of step with the community, with the environment and with industry trends. Wirth’s employer is currently stopping just...

Playboy goes down swinging

No more Playmates? Thanks Brazzers. Makers of the magazine that defined three generations of men’s people's lives, especially when found discarded in a field behind your school, announced its second redesign in three years will do away with the naked centerfolds. Oh well. While this change may be the truest reflection of Hefner’s vision in a half-century, it is...

Why it’s OK to root for present-day San Francisco to fail even if (especially if) you’re from there

A gated community. A city that is becoming uniformly wealthy, out of reach and out of touch. Too much reclaimed wood. Too many high-backed chairs. Teardrop light fixtures, everywhere. Soulless where there used to be a soul. Blank screens where there used to be imagination...Some shitty tapas place called Bask (get it, it's Basque!) where there used to be...

How it feels to be a Duck

It is the morning after Oregon’s worst home loss since the beginning of the Carter administration...and I couldn’t be more nostalgic or more proud. By Andrew Pridgen I first came to know the University of Oregon in the fall of 1993. I was a freshman in Eugene and those first 90 days between drop-off and Thanksgiving were as eventful and...

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