Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Revised: Baylor acceptance letter to potential female students

5/19/2016 1301 S. University Parks Drive Waco, TX 76798 Dear Brooke, We are writing to inform you, that after careful consideration of your credentials and the environment here at Baylor University, you are accepted to enroll in the Fall semester of 2016 and can expect to be raped sometime in the next four to five years. Go Bears! Your exemplary high school academic records--eight...

To rebuild, Oregon (football) needs to get weird again

Nike, once a counter culture brand, and Oregon, once a counterculture school, need to go back to their roots in radicalism to be relevant again. By Andrew J. Pridgen Over the past two decades I’ve marveled at how the culture of Oregon football has morphed to become the opposite of Eugene and the namesake state. The University of Oregon, in...

How ESPN killed ESPN

With audience numbers shrinking, ESPN is now left with bloated contracts (and hosts) and a product that no longer jibes with the audience’s taste. By Andrew J. Pridgen Ratings in a decline for the better part of a decade, ESPN is making cuts that will affect more than just the back of the house. Word spread Monday that The Network...

Helfless

Don’t cry for Mark Helfrich’s imminent firing. Focus on the changes you need to make to be just like him. By Andrew J. Pridgen So it can be said, barring any minor miracle that involves a DeLorean careening 88 miles per hour on the rain-slicked pavement of the Lone Pine Mall parking lot, Oregon fans will no longer be exposed...

Only one member of the Trojan family can fill that giant gaping hole at head coach—and that member is Will Ferrell

DPB obtained a leaked memo from USC president Max Nikias to AD Pat Haden via Apple Watch Monday afternoon re: potential head coach candidates for its football program. Most of the encrypted memo was translated from Greek using Google Translate and a menu, so apologies for the parts we had to fill in. By Andrew Pridgen TO: Patty H CC: Tommy Trojan FR:...

The NCAA’s latest multi-billion-dollar TV deal is the surest sign yet collegiate athletes must be paid…not enslaved

The rule of thumb for the NCAA when describing signing TV deals greater than that of the GNP of Jamaica or Brunei is that it’s a good thing, for the sport, for the schools and for the conferences. They’re careful not to say it’s good for the athletes. Because it’s not. By Andrew J. Pridgen Imagine for a moment that you run...

NCAA March Madness opening weekend as told by guys texting about how f*cked their brackets are

Your tournament is over the first weekend. You are not alone. By Andrew J. Pridgen Thursday noon Group text begins: PETER: UConn. Whoa. Who had Colorado? CHRIS: I did. MATT: Fucking idiot. JUSTIN: Bold move. You must’ve not seen the shitty team through all the smoke. CHRIS: LOL MATT: Save your LOLs for the chick you’re trying to convince you own a start up. MATT L.: Who’s got Baylor? CHRIS:...

The Oregon Ducks will go 5-7 this season. Here’s how (and why)

Hint: It’s not just Mark Helfrich. Well, it’s mostly Helfrich...but not all Helfrich. By Andrew J. Pridgen Every civilization has its rise, apex, then demise. Unfortunately, for reasons he can’t 100-percent control or articulate, Oregon football coach Mark Helfrich will be the man fingered for destroying the Ducks’ unprecedented two-decade run to big-time college football prominence, and—perhaps more importantly for...

Helfrich in a handbasket

Like battering Oregon head coach Mark Helfrich on the message boards? Don’t get used to it. Big program frontmen don’t get much margin for error.  By Andrew Pridgen There’s a common misperception among the civilian ranks that football’s head coaches, especially on a collegiate level, have to be one part field general, one part molder of men and one part...

Oregonian beat writer is wrong: The Ducks are worthy

The Oregonian’s resident Duck expert Kevin Goe characterizes U of O’s football season as a disappointment with blood on the hands of its porous defense and an offense that uses lots of smoke and mirrors to hide its deficiencies. Statistics reveal a different story about how Oregon closed out its 2015 campaign. By Andrew Pridgen Nine wins a failure? Six straight...