Thursday, July 20, 2017

Revenge of the Nerds

"Hi, Gilbert. I'm a nerd too. I just found that out tonight. We have news for the beautiful people. There's a lot more of us than there are of you. I know there's alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might've been called a spazz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever...

Mustang Pride

I live on the Central Coast for many reasons. Sports is not one of them. I live here because everyday — not once a week, or a few times a month, or once a year in August — everyday, I wake up to the sound of the ocean. In the afternoons, when I return home from work, I put on my...

Marching through the why of professional sport

The reason(s) I still pay attention to professional sports are few. I have a strong belief that as soon as your prefrontal cortex fully develops and 7-eleven ceases to become your eatery of choice, the veil is lifted from society's shockingly single-dimension approach to the professional athlete. You don't necessarily have to outgrow sport any more than you...

First rite of Spring (Training)

I'm on my way to Scottsdale. Going to meet an old friend. Several friends really, but one in particular. In the spring of 1999, I was living in Los Angeles working at a map store and trying to write a script about a bachelor party accidentally boarding a gay cruise ship. Most of my time was spent watching people, including Ronald...

Midweek Musings: Kenny Loggins’ Celebrity Bikini Tennis Tournament

Editor's Note: Every couple weeks, we roll out Midweek Musings. Bad one-liners that are actually (sadly) rejected column ideas. We apologize in advance for the three minutes you'll never get back. By Andrew Pridgen I think credit bureaus should be in charge of writing people's obits. That way we can find out who they really were. Unlike in the movies, I...

How I lost my virginity …to the Swimsuit Issue

Editor's Note: Today's column is to honor this week's release of the 50th Anniversary Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The magazine's biggest-selling annual attraction has also deflowered three generations of young men. And so, if you're a mother to one of those young men, you may just want to stop reading here and click on this HGTV link instead. For...

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: How I make $44 million a year running a nonprofit

(applause) Thank you. Thank you. My name is Roger Goodell and I work to promote the most lucrative publicly funded scam of this century. I run the National Football League. (applause) I have to tell you, I love being here. I feel energized and excited. Who's excited? Who is ready to get excited today? I'll tell you who's excited. Well, one person I...

To the surprise of few, today’s column declares ‘I’m gay’

Until yesterday, today's column was to be known as just another commentary on how desperately hard the NFL tries to stay in the headlines during its offseason especially when overshadowed by the specter of the Winter Olympics set in a seaside community where the weather is 60 degrees and sunny and the whole thing is overseen by a scowling...

Carmel-by-the-Sea is the AT&T’s real celebrity

...Especially with no Bill Murray. Carmel, California Editor's Note: This week is the AT&T Pro-am. For some it's still the Crosby, and Jack Lemmon never did make the cut. For others, it's a chance to catch up how the other half live now that the other half is the other .5 percent. For DPB, it's a chance to simply see the...

The best Super Bowl party prop bets ever

We KNOW you're Super bored of the Super Bowl "square game", so we've come up with a list of Super Bowl prop bets you can make at your own Super Bowl party.* Number of drunk guys calling out "Omaha" back at the TV every time Peyton Manning does in the first quarter: Over/under 5 1/2 Number of guests who laugh the first...

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