Hear me out, I’m not a big Vogue reader (September Issue notwithstanding, that thing is thicker than Jonah Falcon waking up in the morning) but when I do, I look for Grade-A American hotties.
Last month, Anna Wintour’s trust fund featured Yahoo’s (why is it not Yahoo!’s?) Marissa Mayer. Hells yeah. She was all dressed up in a dress and shit. Even though she has legs sicklier than the chick from HR who’s kind of hot but always talks about wanting to go wine tasting, that’s about all she has that’s bad.
The Vogue spread featured her sitting the wrong way on a chaise lounge grabbing onto a hand-held CFNM delivery device, which probably means she’s super into porn (she works for a search engine, so that’s obvi) …and that picture is saying she likes to straight up sit on it backwards …get it?
Like here’s some other stuff you need to know about Marissa Mayer that wasn’t in that picture: 1) She’s probably not that hot in real life but she’s hot enough, like in the chick-you-work-with-who-starts-out-OK-but-then-gets-hot-enough-so-you-really-want-to-bang-her kind of way. Like that’s the hottest way a chick can be (especially if she’s already got a boyfriend who she complains about to you once you gain her trust by bringing her Starbucks and shit and then you start to think her boyfriend is kind of a douche even though you might normally be friends with him if you went to the same school or whatever.) 2) She’s worth, I don’t know, like fucking tons of millions in real life. Like, this bitch doesn’t even have to have a job and she’s running a wack-ass company like Yahoo! (like any company that has to put punctuation at the end to call attention to itself is fucking worthless from the get-go, even I know that) that was run into the ground by that nerdy and not-hot Asian dude just because she’s bored or doesn’t want to start being that crazy bitch with all the money that opens an animal rescue center or whatever. She made wheelbarrows full of straight cizzash by being work-slut-you-want-to-bang-and-keep-it-a-secret-but-in-the-meantime-make-sure-everyone-finds-out at Google and should’ve bought an island next to Richard Branson and burned down his house some more but instead she’s still working and 3) She’s got a kid which means she’s like a hot-ass mom with a kid worth more than a mechanic from New Jersey who wins the lottery and she’s still working and giving HJs and changing logos and shit.
Mayer is also hot as shit because she has left Yahoo! (one more time, exclamation point!) fantasy football alone and most of the time leaving shit alone is the best thing a CEO can do, but it’s the one thing they never do because they’re the CEO and they’re being paid a shit ton of money to break shit so the board has to eventually replace them with someone worse so they can all feel like they did something.
Everyone who’s anyone knows that if you’re not in a Yahoo! league you suck at life and everything and probably haven’t even fingered a girl yet.
Yahoo! fantasy football also makes the streets safer. It employs like all those bald-guy/goatee-guy columnists who should probably be working for their local paper sitting in high school girls’ locker rooms smelling the tampon machine waiting for a varsity volleyball game to be over so they can get a sweaty-girl quote before deadline.
But these guys with the coffee-stained teeth and eczema (pronounced ‘X-ima’, like Zima with an X) no longer have those jobs because newspapers are done so instead they’re dangling on Adrian Peterson’s nuts for like the ninth season in a row, like find a new boyfriend on a team that doesn’t suck ass at some point bros….
And even though nobody lets these guys out of their cave to go to a real game to report on a real sport because they’re fantasy writers, at least they’re not rolling out to the elementary school at lunch and grabbing onto the chainlink fence during recess all creepy caressing their junk with the other hand buried in a Docker pocket pretending to look for loose change while they wait for an unsuspecting kid to come over so they can ask directions to the nearest Powell’s candy store as if that’s going to work.
Marissa Mayer by leaving fantasy football alone at YAHOO! is making the streets safer for those of us who are just all about her and hot-ass career moms who don’t need to work like her.
So, if you’re keeping track at home Marissa Mayer looks hot, is a hot mom, has more money than most terrorist groups, left alone the only reason why people visit the crappy website she adopted with her hotness and keeps molesters off the streets and instead acting out their fantasies alone in a room watching So You Think You Can Dance and Backroom Casting Couch.
If that’s not hot, then nothing is.