Why does the America’s Cup fucking suck so bad?

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03/09/2013 - San Francisco (USA,CA) - 34th America's Cup - ORACLE Team USA Training

What’s up America’s Cup?

By Andrew Pridgen

That’s an actual question, not the rhetorical kind. It’s like what the fuck is up with you?

For starters, and I’m not even gonna mess around, like could you take the word America off your title? I checked with Obama and he’s like “unless they can come up with a more American sport than sailing around like a bunch of pussies in J. Crew catalogs, then maybe we should revoke their copyright on the word America or whatever.”

And, I’m like hells yeah. Don’t fucking front that you’re like an American sport until you do something American. Like here you have all these sick-ass boats and dudes in topsiders and I’m like, OK, that’s a fucking start, but there’s like 1) no fucking bar on the boat, 2) no fucking chicks that look like Ice-T’s wife wearing Borat bikinis doing fucking blow on the boat and 3) no dolphins swimming with the boat.

You gotta have dolphins swimming with those kind of boats, that’s a fact. Here you have this expensive-ass boat, the kind with fucking trampolines in the middle that act as slut catchers, and no fucking dolphins. Dolphins and finger blast victims love those kind of boats but instead there’s like a bunch of dudes running around pretending to crank on shit and lower shit and raise shit up and everyone knows there’s just an engine down there running shit.

Plus, I’ve watched like zero races but from what I’ve been told, they haven’t once shown the big-ass trailers used to haul these pieces of shit around. Like, what the fuck? I could give a shit about how fast you make it under the Golden Gate Bridge unless some dude is jumping off it and he happens to land on the trampoline part and bounces back up and is like, Hells Yeah, but that’s not gonna happen and if it does I’ll just watch it on YouTube so at least show me the big-ass trailer that had to haul that shit around.

Once in awhile, the fucking dumbshit number one sailor man turns the boat over. This would normally be pretty cool, like a crash in Nascar, but really it looks like a building that’s fucking falling over real slow and for some reason it reminds me of 9/11 and I get really fucking sad.

And then dumbshits number two through whatever almost drown and the Coast Guard or someone in a regular boat has to come get them and I’m like maybe that’s why it’s called “America’s” Cup because taxpayers are giving up a bunch of money to bail out a bunch of rich douchers who are only good at this sport because nobody else does it, like the guy who had the high score on Joust when you were little.

But even if you have a shit ton of money, you still might not want to be on a boat with no anchor, which is why it’s completely fucked that it’s called “America’s” Cup. Case in point: I don’t see fucking LeBron James out there sailing around and he probably has more more chips stacked than all the sailor guys whose family money is fucking running out because 1) we don’t allow slaves anymore and 2) their great-great grandfather invented baby powder or some shit, but I don’t see them inventing shit.

I see them sailing the fuck around and using America’s name in vain.

Also, get some fucking sponsors I care about “America’s” Cup. You know what I don’t care about: Oracle. The only thing cool about Oracle is sometimes the ‘c’ and the ‘e’ are obscured on the huge-ass sail that we didn’t see the trailer it came in on and it looks like the boat says “Oral.”

I have no fucking clue what Oracle does except make that evil guy who runs it is rich as fuck. Meanwhile, he looks like the dude Alan Rickman played in that Christmas movie Die Hard. He also wasted a shit ton of money sponsoring the only sport with dudes that people care about less than the WNBA. So pretty much even before the boat race that doesn’t involve any kind of beer drinking whatsoever starts, I get a bad feeling about this shit like Bruce Willis did in Nakatomi Towers just because of the shit sponsor. If Drakkar Noir would’ve sponsored that shit, I probably would’ve paid more attention because it sort of smells like the ocean (note: I think the ocean smells like shit. Nobody ever says that, but I will) and it could’ve been the bad-ass big black Drakkar Noir boat with a big sick trailer with Truck Nutz on it.

ellisonamericascupI

rickmandiehard

So that’s who we have to root for, fucking ‘Oral’? That sucks. That sucks and you suck “America’s” Cup. Surrender your name now before I tie a fucking firehose to my waist and come attack you with my bloody feet.

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