Warner Brothers this week acquired the screen (and ‘life’ — no joke) rights to 40 Days of Dating, a he-said/she-said blog (well-designed internets-hipster publicity grab …that, like, worked) by a pair of Manhattan-based graphic designers who documented 40 grueling days in a row of forcing the other to hang out.
Each day was documented by blog subjects Jessica Walsh, 26, and Timothy Goodman, 32. A short delay between an actual date and blog entry ensued because the pair needed to gin the content up a bit with requisite hipster/designer-hand-lettered title cards, clever .gifs and images of texts and emails which may or may not have been fabricated after the fact. Goodman even threw in a Playboy cover from 1989 (La Toya Jackson?!), his single stab at seeming straight for the project’s sake.
Below are 40 days of snippets from Goodman’s side of his beard-and-her-boy blog* along with what a straight guy might’ve written (if you could convince a straight guy to be exclusive with someone who doesn’t want to bone him AND write about it for six weeks.)
*Or, you can simply watch the Goodman eye Matt Lauer as you check out his socks on this Today Show clip and draw your own conclusions.
Tim Goodman: I didn’t realize it was actually the first day of spring. I feel like it’s some sort of omen for us. (Day 1)
Straight Guy: I have no fucking idea what month it is or why the fuck I’m doing this.
TG: I spent five years seeing a therapist, so this isn’t strange to me. (Day 2)
SG: My ex decided we should see a therapist. That’s why she’s my ex.
TG: Apparently she doesn’t check her texts much, which I somehow did not know. How is that possible? I can’t stand it if I have one red alert on my phone. (Day 3)
SG: She tried to get a hold of me but my phone was dead and my charger was at home so I went to this bar near where we were supposed to meet up and waited for her but she never showed.
TG: I asked her to meet me at the Union Square Whole Foods, but she wanted me to go to the grocery store that’s below her apartment building. (Day 4)
SG: I said I have some Tapatio in my fridge but that’s about it. She decided to go grocery shopping instead of hanging out that night. This is going well.
TG: I left Jessie’s that night and met up with my good friend and his boyfriend. As the three of us ate dinner, I observed how much consideration and respect they had for each other. (Day 5)
SG: One of my buddies from work is gay and he and his boyfriend have the same interests as her so we all went out to dinner because I’m about done with this shit. There wasn’t a game on where we were at so I cut out early. They gave fewer than two shits when I did.
TG: We left the Ace in a bit of a tiff. (Day 6)
SG: She must’ve been on the rag or some shit. Plus, I was fucking tired and there was fresh porn waiting for me back on my iPad, so I bounced.
TG: I enjoy flirting and being playful, but Jessie either takes me a bit too literally, or she just doesn’t like to play back. (Day 7)
SG: Literally no sex. No bj. No hj. Things better change soon because it’s only been a week and I have nothing to say.
TG: I am good at being a friend, and I’m good at jumping in and out of a woman’s life, but the emotional intimacy is where I’ve gone astray lately. (Day 8)
SG: Fuck it. I don’t know. Over it.
TG: My favorite was the March 1989 issue with La Toya Jackson on the cover. I was a huge Michael Jackson fan as a kid and I found the La Toya issue to be so completely fascinating and dirty. Why would his sister pose nude for the whole world to see? Isn’t that embarrassing for Michael? And moreover, why was I so turned on by this? (Day 8 part II)
SG: Sometimes I like to kick it real old-school. I still remember the day in eighth grade the Kathy Ireland in black one-piece Swimsuit Issue arrived in our mailbox. I didn’t leave my room for three weeks. I think I was so desperate during that time I jerked off to a woman in flannel PJs in the LL Bean catalogue once. Now, when the Kate Upton SIs come around, even though there’s zero chance of me opening it up and seeing her get a facial, I’m still super turned on.
TG: I brought my buddy, BJ, who is a young man that I’ve been mentoring for the last four and a half years through Big Brothers Big Sisters. (Day 9)
SG: I wanted a bj so I tried to prove I was a good guy by saying I was in big bros/big sisters at one point. Didn’t work.
TG: It was still early in the night when the game ended, so I went down to Whole Foods to take care of some food shopping. (Day 10)
SG: She said she was tired after the game and I pretended I was too, but I was fucking pumped and it was early so I texted a few of my buddies and we got fucking hammered on a Wednesday. Best date by far so far.
TG: I’m sorry I was being an asshole. (Day 11)
SG: I think she texted me after another non-hookup sesh and I wrote ‘fuck off’ or ‘gimme a bj or I’ll get one from BJ’ back because I was getting hammered by myself after she decided to call it early (again) – it was funny at the time but I think I salted my own game even more if that’s possible.
TG: Jessie looked cute at brunch. I like it when her hair is back. (Day 12)
SG: I was hung the fuck over. She wanted to meet for brunch but I slept through her texts or whatever. Besides, mimosas and gossip, she’s got girlfriends for that. Did I mention I was hung over?!
TG: She looked all cute in her blue pants, beige sweater, and glasses. I feel like she wears black everyday, so I was diggin’ the change-up. (Day 13)
SG: She asked me if I liked what she was wearing and I was like ‘yeah, sure — you look OK.’ That didn’t fly like every-fucking-thing-else. Oh well.
TG: When I got back to the studio, I saw this movie trailer with a voice-over that said, “To commit yourself is to run the risk of betrayal, the risk of failure.” Seriously, Universe? (Day 14)
SG: Again, home alone early. I was gonna jerk off but decided to watch a movie and crush a few beers instead. I passed out during the previews because I was already pretty hammered.
TG: I just wish we could have had a conversation about it. (Day 15)
SG: I have no idea what this chick wants me to say.
TG: I think it’s good to let the emotions simmer down before we start up again. (Day 16)
SG: Since this dating experiment is basically gonna make us rich or at the very least make other chicks want to bang me because I’m all internets-famous, I’m hanging in there with these recaps. Still, I took off early and found some Woogirl at the bar and fingerblasted her back to the ’90s instead. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to write about it (shhh, don’t tell.)
TG: We need to get back on track, and take it slowly. (Day 17)
SG: Fuck this shit.
TG: We didn’t have sex, and I feel good about that decision. (Day 18)
SG: She didn’t want me to put it in and at this point, I could give a rat’s ass. So instead I went down on her for a few which I thought would at least be good for a hummer. Wrong. So after she passed out I jerked off on her comforter (it took like 30 seconds) enjoy your sheets extra crunchy bieeetch.
TG: I guess I’m just feeling defensive once again. (Day 19)
SG: I’ve started to drink a ton more since this started, which i think is probably good. My tolerance to alcohol goes up exponentially and inversely to my tolerance for her.
TG: It reminds me of a fun song that I like by this French singer, Soko. (Day 20)
SG: I used to think big old jet airliner song by Steve Miller was ‘we gonna go down carolina’ one of my buddies thought dirty deeds by AC/DC said ‘dirty deeds – thunder chief’ that still cracks me up. What day are we again?
TG: In some ways, I think she suffers from this energy imbalance in relationships. (Day 21)
SG: Still not even a handjob. No release. She’s on every med known to man. She needs make-me-horny meds.
TG: Jessie called me “sensitive” about five times during the dinner. (Day 22)
SG: I’ll show you sensitive. The tip of my dick is sensitive.
TG: By the end of therapy we were kissing on the street. (Day 23)
SG: I didn’t make even it to therapy. Blog or no blog, nobody who’s been dating for three weeks should be in therapy. It’s just fucked up. I did make it to Scores. …For that kind of therapy.
TG: Anyway, let’s just say that I’m slightly obsessed. (Day 24)
SG: This is more dates with fewer results for anyone in any city anywhere all-time.
TG: And how will our kids cope with the pathology of fathers who miss their fathers? (Day 25)
SG: I told her a handjob won’t get her pregnant or spread disease. Still nothing.
TG: You can’t hike in high heels, Jessie! (Day 26)
SG: This bitch complains as if she invented it. Or maybe not invented it, just perfected and mass-produced it. She’s the Henry Ford of bitching and moaning.
TG: She overcooked the asparagus. (Day 27)
SG: The asparagus was limp, like my dick is starting to be every time I’m around her.
TG: I’m still nervous about leading her on too much right now. (Day 28)
SG: The 30-day hard-on I’ve had is about to go hide in an undisclosed cave for a long-ass time like Oboner bin Laden
TG: However, it was our last class this year, so no more hummus until September. (Day 29)
SG: I’ve gained 14 pounds because of all the beers I’m having to crush to get me through this. Switching to scotch.
TG: Lord knows I have my issues, so I’m not trying to judge. (Day 30)
SG: The flood that Noah made that boat for was 40 days. I’d rather be on board that ship of animal shit watching zebras bone and species we’ve never heard of get eaten than spend one more minute doing nothing and writing about it.
TG: My friend Esteban practically made us make out in front of him. (Day 31)
SG: My buddy Scott came by the table we were at and bought us a round and introduced us to the chick he’s been dating (two weeks and already anal – which actually isn’t too unique, but still…) He come over specifically to rub it in.
TG: It’s nothing personal, I just needed some space. (Day 32)
SG: I almost thought of rubbing one out when we were in the cab ride home because she was already passed out, but I decided I could wait for five more minutes. It would’ve been good for story value though. Is anyone still reading this?!
TG: Jessie and I seem to be fundamentally different on many levels, I wonder if there’s some cosmic roadblock. (Day 33)
SG: Her friends appeared out of nowhere tonight and talked about nothing and took her away just as I thought we were getting somewhere. Must’ve been some kind of cosmic cockblock.
TG: Why go there? (Day 34)
SG: Wondering if this is what prison is like, or marriage. Either way, I’m fucked. We’re all fucked.
TG: We all carry a dichotomy, with grey areas in between. (Day 35)
SG: She said the word dichotomy at dinner. I said, ‘you keep talking and I’m going to stick my dichotomy in your mouth.’ She stopped talking.
TG: I’m not interested in dating other women. I’m interested in seeing if there is a healthy relationship between us beyond the project. (Day 36)
SG: Hookers and blow. Hookers and blow. Four more days to hookers and blow.
TG: It makes me think of Dave, a former boss of mine I had right after high school. (Day 37)
SG: I started texting all my exes last night, even the ones that are married/I still hate. I WILL have someone/some…thing lined up for day 40.
TG: Asking why encourages us to be provocative and memorable rather than simply making pretty things. (Day 38)
SG: She thinks this is going to land us on the Today Show …like I give a fuck about the Today Show.
TG: On a lighter note, I am so white right now! I could probably blind someone. (Day 39)
SG: If you can go blind from jerking off, consider me the love child of Paul Reubens and Ray Charles.
TG: It reminded me why we’re such good friends in the first place. (Day 40)
SG: I feel bad for the next chick becasue I am done dating and talking forever. Actually, maybe a good thing.