This year Christmas comes before Halloween, which is good because the Target and the Costco and QVC are all ready to sell you the shiz.
Three hot-ass picks this week that will bolster your coffers and put the I’m-gonna-lay-you in parlay (I think.)
UCLA at Utah
7 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 3
UCLA went all UCLA-crazy early in the year against the Pistol-weilding but toofless Nevada Wolf Pack.
Since then, there’s been less stoppin’ the Bruin than the mighty crew from the original Beakin’ (how come they’ve never made that into a musical?)
The powder blue from Pasadena by way of West LA has rolled up a pair of formidable foes including the then-ranked Nebraska Huskers at home in week three.
Kerri Strug’s alma mater has won every game this year by double-digit points. More importantly, they’ve beaten the spread each time as well.
If QB Brett Hundley, who should pass the 1,000-yard-mark for the season Thursday, was able to block out 105k plus hungry Husker fans, the crowd of 40k I-live-at-home-in-South-Jordan-and-would-rather-pre-order-my-Playstation-4-on-Amazon Utes at Rice-Eccles on a Thursday night (“we have class on Friday!”) should not be a factor.
Finding an open bar nearby after the game, will be (mostly because it’s impossible to navigate a town whose streets and avenues are both numbers. Trust me.)
Spread: UCLA -5.5
Pick: UCLA to cover
Final: UCLA 42 Utah 28 (Over 65)
Georgia State at Alabama
12:21 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 5
The Georgia State Panthers (not a high school team) have racked up an 0-4 record against Samford, Chattanooga, West Virginia and Jacksonville State (not an NFL team) and are now clawing their way into Tuscaloosa to face the nation’s most hard-to-watch number one team …ever.
But we think Georgia State makes it close (close = > 50-point loss.)
Alabama is 1-21 against the spread against unranked teams. That’s roughly since Forrest Gump played special teams for the tide.
Georgia State has never beaten a number-one ranked team in any sport, ever. While that streak remains intact more than those on a pair of Junior High boys’ tidy whiteys Saturday, ‘Bama’s weak front five (three newbies anchoring the injured o-line, all of whom are yet to flip a Manderich pancake this year) haven’t given AJ McCarron the forty minutes he usually needs to check down.
Two words: Morefield goals.
Meantime, Panthers’ wideout Albert Wilson has almost 20 yards per catch and 19 touchdowns and remembers last year’s 63-7 Alabama win where he thought the Tide should’ve scored at least 69 to make it sound cooler.
Most importantly, Katherine Webb (see: above – McCarron’s every-Maxim-reader-guy-and-Brent-Musburger-pin-up-who-parlay’d-in-game-fame-into-a-diving-show-and-eating-a-burger-ad) gave the Tide QB a weird peck after the top-of-the-SEC-no-strength-of-schedule win over Ole Miss (Olé!) last week, which means he’s probably not going to cover because he’s cursed by a Twitter witch.
Spread: Albama -58
Pick: Georgia State to cover
Final: Alabama 69, Georgia State 11 (Over 70)
Oregon at Colorado
3 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 5
Yeah Duck fans.
Way to f*cking go.
You let Phil Knight — with a paltry investment of an additional $140 million in sh*tty faux-rock whirlpools and nylon carpeting with your school’s mascot slathered on it that some paid-under-the-table recurit will jizz on (hope you saved enough for Scotchgard) when he misses a song girl’s face during his campus visit this spring — continue to use a public, yes a PUBLIC institution of higher learning (yes, HIGHER learning, it is Eugene) as season-long, LED-flatscreen-fueled ad for his synthetic landfill-ready, chain gang-inspired reflective wear empire supplied by the nimble fingers of an army of 12-year-old Chinese workers who are able to bask in the company’s history of falsifying documents, not paying said underage workers and turning village waterways, which formerly fed farms and bubbled through lush fauna’d open space, turn black with industrial waste.
All the while, the Elmer’s Glue-pasty 42-year-old Woodburn-based Oregon fan making $52k/year as a school district groundskeeper has completely bought with gimlet eyes the neon “changes-every-week” uniform Stolkholm fan tactics to give his soul-crushing, debt-enhanced, wet-all-the-time life in the Beaver state some modicum of meaning (with a more than eight percent and climbing unemployment) to go along with its crumbling infrastructure; the rise of the shuffling-and-mumbling masses.
The state which cannot pay for its mental health infrastructure and balances its bottomline off the cleverly tattooed backs of a baseless hipster enclave in Portland where a job as a part-time wafflemaker draws 2,800 applications inlcuding a dozen PhDs – all so the Roboduck-loving Ducks of Oregon (with less than 10 percent of its recruits from in-state) beat up on the hapless Buffalo of Colorado by a margin greater than that of your total score over the course of three division games in the mid-’90s, back when students and football players alike, went to that school to learn — not dress alike and cheer as expats of a giant soaked Jonestown.
Spread: Oregon -38
Pick: Oregon to cover
Final: Oregon Whatever-Colorado-scores-plus-40, Colorado 12 (Just take the over bro)