Pints and Picks Week 5: Pink Month!

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Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Oct. 4, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: AWWWW YEAH KM, you know what month it is (Hint: 31 days of black, orange and puce; like Rob Zombie gets to design his own My Little Pony for the Bronies). That’s right, it’s October. And you know what that means (besides decorative gourd season is upon us). It’s bitch-don’t-be-frontin-muther-lovin PINK MONTH.

You already know how much I love big for-profit companies making a mint off eager ambivalence during breast cancer month.

But what I really love is when Nike—the leading cause of child labor infractions this side of the Kali-worshipping Thuggee cult, not to mention the source of rivers running electric black carcinogenic sludge through once peaceful villages in faraway lands where stitching soccer balls or human trafficking is your only way to 22 miserable years on this hunk of spinning stardust and ephemera—gets in the mix with their pink swooshes and numbers and helmets and shit. Makes me feel so much better about doing nothing about a disease I can do nothing about yo.

I also super love it when they maybe auction off like three things and give some of that money to charities like Susan G which basically makes a bunch of people dress up and walk around and then like a bunch of dicks and uses its powers to pull their funding from Planned Parenthood because, I guess it’s not a woman’s choice whether she gets cancer OR pregnant.

So, that’s cool.

What’s also cool is when the NFL gets involved and sells a crap-ton of merch to people who don’t believe in waiting till November to buy pink socks on clearance and then they give back less than sales tax to the American Cancer Society (eight percent). NICE!

But what I really love is college getting in the act. Oregon Thursday wore the aforementioned future landfill of the 50,000-year half-life variety (pink unis) in Eugene against the similarly undefeated Arizona Wildcats.

Once again, Oregon did it to “raise awareness”. I once told this loan shark who I owed $12k to after a particularly bad weekend in Henderson, Nevada during March that I needed a little more time, but in the meantime, I had a lot of awareness about the situation I was in. A broken nose and four teeth in my back pocket later and I found out that having awareness doesn’t come close to actually ponying up cash.

At least Nike/Oregon had the good decency to partner up with the Kay Yow cancer fund this year but it is still unclear whether any actual dollars go their way to fight a disease that kills about 40k Americans per year (versus about 7.4 million worldwide who die of heart disease, 6.7 million for stroke, 1.5 million for HI/AIDS, 1.5 from Diarrhoeal diseases and 1.3 million from getting hit by cars)

So, I’m going to “raise awareness” this weekend by donating Friday lunch money to water.org to give a village free water for a month and staying off the road. Seems that will contribute a lot more to eradication than rooting for a team that looks like a roller derby squad under the sartorial influence of Rizzo.

Because no marketing misdeed disguised as a good deed goes unpunished, Oregon and its RIDICULOUS 22.5-point spread shall be vanquished Thursday. And Phil Knight’s stadium shall crack in the middle and melt into the Willamette like a Cadbury Egg and all the ribald ignorance of Oregon’s fleeting fan base shall flow with it back to the hinterlands of college football relevance. And all will be right with the world, someday. Maybe.

Whoa, my fingers are all sweaty now Kyle. What say you?

Kyle: “Bitch, I couldn’t be more alert.”

Those are the immortal words of Tina Fey in the first Saturday Night Live Weekend Update after 9/11 when referencing the old color-coded ‘terror threat’ thingy.

They mirror my sentiments nicely about breast cancer. This isn’t now (was it ever?) a disease anyone I’m familiar with is unaware of. I’d love for the NFL and NCAA come to this realization and step up to the plate for something we could all stand to learn a little more about.

Frankly, I’d love to see the league clad in purple, which I understand is the color for domestic violence (I definitely see the Ravens irony in that one). Also, who the hell selects cause colors? Is there some think-tank of ridiculously hot former PR women who sit around and decide rectal blastoma gets burnt orange? Please, please let that be how this happens.

AJ, I know we try to keep it light here, but I have a friend struggling with a domestic violence issue and it’s an incredibly depressing situation. She, like any number of dv’s victims, is smart, talented at her work and incredibly loved by her friends and family. That’s why I’ll use this opportunity to ‘raise awareness’ about domestic abuse—which, like breast cancer, knows no class, education level or race and can also kill indiscriminately.

Unlike cancer, it’s entirely preventable, but we don’t do nearly enough to fight it. The people working on the ground against domestic violence are damn saints and—of course—use a kit of resources MacGyver couldn’t work with to perform minor miracles. What they’d do with 8 percent of a month’s worth of NFL merch would probably get us down the road to saving the world. I’m going to throw a small donation the way of Tahoe SAFE Alliance, who work tirelessly to provide a safe environment for women and families in my town. I hope some of you will do the same where you live.

Man, segueing back into football just isn’t really natural from there, so we’ll stay here in this unnatural world and take a look at Michigan +3 at Rutgers.

I hate hate Michigan, but when I saw this game on the schedule (prime time in NJ) I got a little pissed for the Wolverines. Rutgers and Maryland are both getting absolute gifts in the B1G’s scheduling matrix–night games at home against ratings-bait league powers–in exchange for joining the league. I was sure the Wolverines were going to roll into the Garden State and make mincemeat of the Knights. Then the Notre Dame game happened, and the Utah game, and last week against Minnesota. The Wolves are in a free-fall and an offense that managed less than 100 yards through the air last week can’t give their D a blow. Rutgers has a prolific offense (against inferior competition) and a pretty stout D.

Senior Quarterback Gary Nova is a bit like early Aroldis Chapman–I have no idea where this ball is going but I’ll keep throwing anyway–and is already more than halfway to a respectable 2,500-yard season with 10 TDs and 7 picks. If he gets the chance, he’ll test the hell out of a tired defense. I don’t think they get all over UM, but on the same token, I can’t, in good conscience, pick the Wolverines to cover even a close line.

Holy shit man; cancer, domestic violence, Brady Hoke’s death flails. Good luck steering this thing back into anything that won’t have its readers (Hi Mom! Hi Mrs. Pridgen!) crying their eyes out tonight.

AJ: For starters Kyle, I owe a bit of an apology. Your Sharon-Stone-as-Ginger-sharp depiction of what month it is and how we should turn and focus our attention to other, bigger and sometimes, more powerful problems was the stop-me-in-my-tracks apotheosis of this feature. I almost decided to drop the curtain right there and call it good.

Since then, Oregon got its just desserts for pandering and marketing its team which clearly can be outcoached by a not-great-coach and can not defend the run nor create a pocket for today’s most effective collegiate passer, and went ahead and choked down its second-consecutive multi-million-dollar loss to Arizona …albeit this time at home.

Also, the Giants pitched their way into the playoffs and look to be stingy against the young and worthy Nationals, so much that I think they’ll go ahead and face Los Doyers next weekend at Chavez—this is part wishful thinking as I’m already booked to go see the Ducks start their road to the Vegas Bowl against a should-be-heavily-favored running/passing/scoring machine that is UCLA …and would rather slurp down a couple-a Dodger Dogs and turn to see Vin up in the booth instead of stumbling around a golf course in East Pasadena.

Your Tigs have dug themselves into a deeper hole than Mr. Slate’s top rock puller against the transcendent Oriels and, well, if I see that ESPN GameDay Ole Miss promo custom-made for frat guys armed with toofey grins, daddy’s cash from the family Subway franchises and a palm full-o date rape drugs for the punch bowl, (especially in light of your above comments), I may just double over and cough up the rest of my flu shot vaccine. Man those things make you woozy.

Oh, the most forgettable Fincher flick since the one about aging in reverse but still only chasing after one gal (I don’t care if Fitzgerald is the author of the Ben Button source material—no 70-year-old man in a 19-year-old’s body is going to do anything but become a loathsome clubbing predator on a tear) was also released Friday. Granted, it’s based on a page-turner only to be read if it’s stowed in the seatback in front of you, but still, Neil Patrick Harris doesn’t quite have the shadow-drop over his eyes to pull off sinister in the third act.

And, DPB launched its sister site, Blind Tree this week. It’s about living in and enjoying the outdoors responsibly, and I’m not just talking about arsonists, but more where you go, what you buy and what megaloresorts you’re giving your patronage to. The name means nothing btw, other than that there’s juxtaposition and Lilac Sunset, though available, sounds too much like a paint color. At least Blind Tree is evocative of an electric folk quartet from Moab.

Check it out if you have a minute.

….Shameless plugs aside, it’s time for some picks, then I’ll pass the mic back to you KM to see if you have a cherry on top.

Stanford -1 at Notre Dame: Stanford wins by 10. Notre Dame hasn’t played anyone, much less a D this stingy. I’m starting to believe the top-four Pac 12 teams (Arizona, Utah, Stanford and UCLA — don’t laugh) can beat anyone.

LSU +8 at Auburn: The Tigers get their groove back on the road. Auburn doesn’t have its front five to fall back on and they’re too slow for the Tigers’ secondary. Take the points.

Utah +13 at UCLA: UCLA’s got back-to-back homegames and should emerge victorious on both and firmly the team to beat in the conference looking toward a FCS playoff berth. The Utes only showed about a quarter of their potential physicality-meets-speed at Michigan (because that’s all they needed.) Their secondary can hang and Travis Wilson toe-to-toe with Brett Hundley promises an 800-yard bonanza in Pasadena. Not an upset but a game the Utes should keep within a score if they don’t get overwhelmed early by the lack of crowd noise.

And look, I made it through without a single Erin Andrews reference!

Kyle:

Onto the picks:

I like Western Michigan +6 at home against MAC favorites Toledo. The Broncos have an offense that’s put together strong drives against superior teams like Purdue and Virginia Tech. Give them a full game against a like-talented foe and I’m guessing they cover.

Also, watch for another battle under the lights in Reno against Boise St. and the Nevada Wolf Pack. I line the Pack to cover +4.5 strictly because Boise’s secondary is decimated and they can’t get a pass game going. They’re likely the better team, but Nevada’s Cody Fajardo has been great this season and he gives the Pack a chance to win on his last drive.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 0-1
Kyle: 1-1

Overall:
AJ: 8 for 13
Kyle: 2 for 8

This week:

AJ:
• Arizona + 22.5 at Oregon
• Stanford -1 at Notre Dame
• LSU +8 at Auburn
• Utah +13 at UCLA

Kyle:
• Western Michigan +6 vs Toledo
• Nevada +4.5 vs Boise State

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