Tucked away from the bronze sculpture galleries and the flowery blouses with pleated pants unable to parallel park the G-class on Ocean Avenue, Brophy’s is a locals’ establishment which caters to reputable drunks and lost husbands who order up quick before the missus starts texting.
It’s always crowded in other words.
I set up camp between two known cohorts wearing beat-up Titleist hats at the only vacant spot facing the tap handles and flat screens. A couple conversation-lubricating rounds later and I was stitched into their narrative. Both were caddies. You know, a caddy, a looper, a jock.
I’ve been around bars enough to know the dim lights and smooth Mahogany is where little lies become great stories become the truth and I’ve never stumbled out of an establishment where they pour so liberally with an affidavit. So even though I can’t vouch for the veracity of the following, here are 50 factoids I woke up with on my iPhone’s Voice Record Pro the next day:
- Good caddies on the Monterey Peninsula can make six figures in tips a year, easy. Better ones know how to not pay taxes on it.
- Best tippers: Guys with names you’d recognize: NBA players, NFL’ers, actors, “owners of shit.”
- Worst tippers: Finance guys, lawyers, real estate guys, plus “any asshole on a bachelor party talking about this and that. All dickheads.”
- Politicians are somewhere in the middle, depending on how much they spilled during the round about what they did the night before.
- Celebrity breakdown:
- Chris Berman: “Funnier in person.”
- Ray Romano: “Quiet in person.”
- Michael Bolton: “You make fun of him, but chicks are all over him. Young ones too. It’s insane. Insane fucking beaver.”
- Michael Bolton Part II: “At some point you feel for the guy. He walks into the clubhouse and he’s getting eyefucked by everyone.”
- Michael Bolton Part III: “It’s a good thing you can’t go to jail for (eye) rape or else everyone in the world who’s ever been in the same room as Michael Bolton would be serving like 20 to life.”
- Kenny G: “Doesn’t give a shit.”
- Clint Eastwood: “Doesn’t talk much but when he does it feels like he’s making fun of you in a (polite) way.”
- Tiger Woods: “I dunno about Tiger, man.”
- Tiger Woods part II: “I feel like he’s like Michael Jackson except without the freaky monkey.”
- Tiger Woods part III: “Any guy who acts like they wouldn’t bang everything in their path plus the housekeeper if they were him is either a liar or gay. Scratch that, a gay guy would have done the exact same thing.”
- Tom Brady: “Nicest guy in the world…though I’d be nice too if I got to hang out with the Victoria’s Secret catalog instead of jerk off to it.”
- Jerry Rice: “Takes himself pretty seriously. Or maybe it’s just golf he takes seriously. Either way, pretty serious guy.”
- Larry the Cable Guy: “Keeps trying to remind you who he is and that’s not the guy who’s Larry the Cable Guy.”
- Bill Murray: “Everything you heard is true.”
- Bill Murray Part II: “I feel like he doesn’t enjoy (Pebble) as much because he has to be ‘on’. If it were up to him he’d be shooting the shit at a bar like this but then every guy like you and me would be in his face with their phone.”
- Bill Murray Part III: “Yeah, just leave the guy alone. I left him alone one round and you know what he said to me after, ‘Thanks, for—you know.’ And I knew.”
- Kevin Costner: “Seems happy to be there.”
- Kevin Costner Part II: “I’m always like yeah, man. Yeah, Kevin Costner. Cool.”
- Kevin Costner Part III: “Me too. I spent half a round one time calling him (Dennis) Quaid though.”
- Huey Lewis: “If I could go back and choose my dad, I’d choose Huey Lewis.”
- This may sound crazy, but: “You know who the funniest, best guys are to caddy for? How do I put this….Guys who didn’t grow up doing this like every rich white kid from the Bay Area. You know, diversity. They’re always like, ‘Look at this fucking ocean. Look at these rocks. Why didn’t anyone tell us about this shit for like…a century?’”
- You know, diversity Part II: “Truth man. That shit’s true about the rappers.”
- Worst of all-time tippers: Tech guys. “They shouldn’t be allowed to golf. They shouldn’t be allowed to have money.”
- Tech guys Part II: “They definitely shouldn’t be allowed to bang the chicks they bang.”
- Most popular ride: “Tesla. Except for the guys who’ve actually worked with Elon Musk.”
- Percent who cheat on their scorecard: “My answer depends on the tip from that golfer.”
- Number of “old guys” who stroke out/die at Pebble/Spyglass/Poppy Hills per year over/under = 5.
- Packs of Viagra left next to old tees and discarded balls on the cart at round’s end per week = 3
- Why finding cart Viagra is better than a tip: “That shit works man, especially after a night like this.”
- Can’t swing for shit: “Anyone from Dubai, UAE, Saudi. All the sheikhs and kings and stuff. Those guys fucking party but they tear up the course, no respect.”
- All the sheikhs and kings and stuff Part II: “They think everything’s in a fucking mall. They’ll take a picture of a tree and send it to their assistant and say, ‘I want that tree’ and it’s like, ‘You want a tree like it?” and they say, “No, I want that tree.’”
- Best tip ever: “Almost three grand, cash. The same round the cart girl got a stack of 100s just for bending over the right way when she was grabbing two bottled waters.”
- Who was it?: “Can’t say.”
- Was it Rodney Dangerfield? “No. I wish.”
- Ever caddied for a president? “No. Seen a president, but they come with their own caddy, and gallery. I’m sure golfing with helicopters and drones and shit isn’t the most relaxing day.”
- Toughest part of the job: “Being around all that money all day and not being able to do anything about it.”
- Does money buy happiness? “Fuck no, man. But money DOES buy a lot of shit that makes you happy.”
- Ever think about getting into the T-shirt slogan business? “No. Why?”
- Being a caddy in Monterey means: Being a scratch golfer but playing like a 10 handicapper because you’re hungover a lot of the time.
- Biggest boozer on the course? “Celebs don’t really booze it up in public anymore. Sucks. Blame Twitter.”
- What about John Daly? ”Maybe in his day. It was always about smoking for that guy, I think.”
- Best anecdote: “This guy, a pretty famous one, disappears behind the bathrooms for a few minutes at the turn. For like half the 10th, there’s a used condom stuck to the wheel (of his bag).”
- Caddyshack comparisons: Movie’s pretty accurate except for the pool scene part, that could never happen.
- Strangest overheard: “Was that Diana Ross you were with last night?”
- Who said that?: “It was a long time ago, but it wasn’t Sonny Bono. I only met him once, but THAT…was a funny motherfucker.”
Crosby 2015 AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am is Feb. 9-15. Take your son (or daughter) if you have one.