Jack Nicklaus, the 75-year-old guy who is the Target of golf course design and accounted for more than half my father’s leisure-time wardrobe*, bagged a 139-yard 4th hole Par 3 hole-in-one Wednesday at the Masters Par 3 contest.
By Andrew Pridgen
Nicklaus partook in a threesome with a guy named after iced tea and lemonade and some rapper who calls himself Gary Playa and looks to be the next James Bond.
It was awesome.
Here, as tribute, a second-by-second breakdown of the shot.
:01 — A strange pre-tsunami-water-rushing-backwards-sound overtakes the crowd.
:02 — Or maybe Skrillex is setting up on the fifth hole green.
:03 — The Golden Bear temporarily goes into hibernation while addressing the ball.
:04 — Holy shit…
:05 — that’s a fast backswing old timer.
:06 — Announcer swallows swig of…
:07 — “Jack at number four.”
:08 — Clear sky. Fully struck ball. Can’t lose.
:09 — Crowd murmur is actually a nanosecond breakdown of whether it’s Sinatra at the Sands, Garland at Carnegie Hall or Arcade Fire at Coachella—the concert event of their lifetime.
:10 — Jack, back at the 4th tee, takes sip of Arnold’s concoction and nods, “Delicious, but I like John Daly’s version if I’m going to be playing pitch-and-putt with you assholes all day.”
:11 — Ball lands on green. Announcer reiterates this is indeed a Par 3 hole in a Par 3 competition. He also mentions there is, in fact, a water hazard which is what the entire former Georgia nursery will be when the ice caps melt.
:12 — Charleston, SC is only a three-hour drive away; somehow the kid who video’d the white cop killing an unarmed black man caught a bus and is in this gallery for his second viral moment of the week.
:13 — Backspin. Announcer: “Really, really a good golf hole.” Thanks, but does that mean there are some shitty ones at Augusta Par 3 course too? Maybe the animatronic spider dangling over the pin of the 14th is broken.
:14 — Ball continues to roll. Skrillex must be lighting up the turntables because crowd noise builds.
:15 — Gary Playa decides this buck-a-hole thing was a bad idea. And he’s not taking any “dick-out” side bets with so many cameras around either.
:16 — “C’mon” …announcer sounds like he’s trying to get his kid off the toilet with five seconds in regulation of a tied NFC championship game.
:17 — The Nicklaus Blacks are now equipped with a special PINFINDER® magnet, on display right. Fucking. Now.
:18 — “C’mon Jack! YES!” (announcer about to climax).
:19 — Carl’s bombs go off. Ball goes in hole. Flipper/gopher sounds resonate. Rodney declares, “Hey everybody. We’re all gonna get laid!” Clubhouse is stormed.
:20 — Viagra holding line one for this ageless Bear and his mighty iron shaft.
:21 — Awkward fist-bump. No. High-five. No. Fist-bump exchanges with caddies ensues.
:22 — Steph Curry tweets: The Golden Bear really just hit a Hole-in-One down at the Masters par 3! Thats a dope moment right there #Legend …Then decides to create a meme of Jack breaking Chris Paul’s ankles.
:23 — I realize I’d much rather be watching a video of Steph Curry covering his mouth and kicking his feet while watching this video.
:24 — Arnie and Jack embrace…head off to catch Skrillex and find some vodka.
*It should also be noted that my father referred to himself as “Hack Nicklaus” on particularly bad golf outings and that ALWAYS FUCKING GOT LAUGHS…I never understood why.