I don’t know much about the NFL Draft other than it’s a thinly veiled metaphor for slavery.
NFL players are systematically chosen by “owners” after they’ve been processed in a “combine” then they’re dressed up and fussed over by a bunch of rich white guys who sell them into lives of indentured servitude and abandon them when their physical skills begin to erode.
So much that I have to get fucking hammered when I tune in to the initiation ceremony.
Below, DPB’s NFL Draft Day Drinking Game™
- Every time the phrase ‘questionable work ethic’ is uttered by Mel Kiper Jr. (who works one day a year).
- A draftee’s mother and his baby mamma look like they attended high school at the same time.
- Jameis L. Winston gets his first (alleged) rape wearing a Buccaneers uniform out of the way in the auditorium bathroom before being interviewed by Berman and the panel.
- Roger Goodell steps to the podium with the same ruthless gait as a Cold Stone manager barking at employee to keep the marble countertop clear of sprinkles.
- Kiper Jr. announces a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ pick in the first round (finish your drink once he does it more than three times).
- Chris Berman compares a defensive end draftee to Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones or another player from the ‘70s that is lost on all the viewing audience not supplementing with oxygen.
- Trent Dilfer says ‘I have my doubts’ but then follows that sentiment with no specific evidence as to why.
- Ditto Jon Gruden with ‘character issues’ and ‘game-changer’.
- Gruden touts pick’s intangibles then goes on to explain what exactly they are.
- Chris Mortensen claims he had the most recent player selected going ‘at least a round later’ in his mock draft but then produces no paperwork to support this, instead he stamps his pen against the desk a bunch.
- Jets fans start booing as Goodell approaches the lectern…before realizing they’re actually in Chicago.
- Jets fans summarily remove hardhats and shuffle out of the Auditorium Theater once pick is made—complaining the whole time about the pizza.
- Berman gives Midwesterners all kinds of creativity props for naming this year’s NFL draft site the ‘Auditorium Theater’. Was ‘Place to sit and watch stuff on stage from seats in front of the stage’ taken?
- Chicago fans start booing prior to their pick because WWJFD (What Would Jet Fan Do).
- Every time someone is caught double-dipping a baby carrot in the background of whatever sad-face remote party they’re cutting away to.
- Jon Gruden gives Adam Scheffer a look like he’s going to beat his ass…or give him a handjob.
- We find out Scheffer switched Gruden’s default search engine to Yahoo! during the break.
- A draftee speaks about freeing the enslaved population that mined the diamond adorning his earlobe.
- Someone on the draft panel refers to Johnny Manziel as if he was dead.
- Kiper Jr. shakes his head in disappointment then botches the name/school/statistics of the player selected he’s attempting to act concerned about.
- First player drafted whose younger brother died one of the following ways: airbag misfire, generic alleged gang activity, undisclosed incident involving struggle for police taser, 4 a.m. kitchen fire, home ec mishap, botched Popeyes robbery or third-degree 7-11 coffee burns.
- Berman references the Bears’ first-round pick as a potential bigger bust for the Windy City than Al Capone’s vault.
- Every time amorphous slights like ‘maturation process’, ‘emerging skill set’ or ‘future ex-convict’ are uttered by Louis Riddick.
- Scheffer talks about getting ‘great value’ for a pick at x-spot and Berman says: Talk about value…James Van Der Beek and Patricia Arquette on CSI Cyber…that’s fucking value.
Finish your drink if:
- Marcus Mariota places a wreath of flowers around Roger Goodell’s neck, leans into the mic and says ‘Now we’re both getting lei’d tonight!’
- A film crew from Entourage II is spotted.
- Scott Weiland is flown in to sing Vasaline live on the cutaway.
- Jesus and JaMarcus Russell are thanked in the same sentence.
- It’s revealed that JaMarcus Russell actually is Jesus and all those who persecuted Him will suffer damnation and those who stood by Him will sizzurp purple drank by His side for all eternity.
- A father is physically present for his first-round pick son.
- Any Given Sunday or The Last Boy Scout are referenced.
- NFL Players Union rep George Atallah tells draft day panel Sebastian Janikowski’s date-rape drug clinic for the league’s incoming rookies is already full.
- Kiper Jr. says Randy Gregory’s stock isn’t plummeting because he’s used marijuana but because he couldn’t keep himself from getting caught using marijuana.
- Trey Wingo has an existential moment where he realizes none of this matters, his career choice bloating the already over-bloated egos of 22-year-olds was a bad one, we all die alone and there is no god…happens on day 3 sometime in the middle of the sixth round.
- Ray Lewis comes in and stabs all the draft day panel in the neck with a broken Champagne bottle and claims nobody can assign blame to him because double jeopardy.
- Ray Lewis then tells everyone in Baltimore to stop looting…till he gets there.
- Gary Busey is drafted.