Chicago Blackhawks Captain and center Jonathan Toews just raised his third Stanley Cup in five years this week. He was born in 1988 and is
probably the world’s most accomplished athlete.
Let’s compare what he was doing at the ages leading up to his 27th year to what you were doing:
• Toews: Learned to wipe, talk, skate, skate backwards, score at will.
• You: Learned to wipe, talk, hold onto the boards during free skate.
• Toews: Won the World U-17 hockey challenge for Canada and enrolled at the University of North Dakota.
• You: Watched U-571 and guessed which character was Bon Jovi.
• Toews: Went to his first Frozen Four and led Canada to a World Junior Championship. He also recieved a minor in possession of alcohol citation.
• You: Memorized every line from Old School. You’re my boy, Blue. You also received a minor in possession of alcohol citation. From here your paths will diverge.
• Toews: Went to his second Frozen Four and led Canada to a repeat World Junior Championship, then got drafted by the Chicago Blackhawks.
• You: Lived in a drafty dorm room and told your dad when he visited that that Bacardi Limon, which was clearly on your side of the room, was not yours.
• Toews: Wins rookie of the year and is named one of the three youngest captains in NHL history.
• You: Tried to hook up with that sneaky-hot theater kid by reciting the ‘Oh Captain, My Captain’ scene from Dead Poets Society. It does not work.
• Toews: Earns an Olympic Gold Medal in his home country.
• You: Earn metal bracelets for your actions at your big 21st.
• Toews: Wins a Stanley Cup.
• You: Are chewed out by Mr. Stanley from the country club you valet at for switching his headlights from ‘auto’ to ‘manual’ and draining his battery after driving his drunk ass home from the men’s invitational.
• Toews: Forces overtime with a backhand wrister in game 7 of opening-round playoff action.
• You: Your boss sends you home at 1 p.m. on a Friday to avoid paying your overtime. Your friends already left for that boss three-day weekend camping trip at noon and still talk about it to this day.
• Toews: Scores 57 points despite an injury-shortened season.
• You: Score a case of pink eye when your roommate farts on your pillow.
• Toews: Wins his second Stanley Cup and earns a Selke Trophy in the process as the most outstanding defensive center in the game.
• You: Totally think about finding that old asshole Mr. Stanley and egging dude’s car.
• Toews: Signs a $90 million contract.
• You: Default on a student loan after your rec softball score-updating app fails to catch on.
• Toews: wins his third Stanley Cup and dates this woman, Lindsey Vecchione:
• You: Got that assignment done on time and slightly above budget. Your boss leaves for a vacation on Thursday so you decide to ‘check email from home’ on Friday while you watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force. You earned it. You’re accomplished.