Dear Fight Fans, Up Yours! Love, Floyd

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A letter from Floyd Mayweather as dictated to Kyle Magin

Dear Fight Fans,

Go fuck yourselves! Have you heard yet? I’m going out of the fight game against Andre Berto on Sept. 12. You’re gonna show up and pay to watch me run my record up to 49-0 against a clown who’s 3-3 in his last six fights and last fought on Spike TV. That’s how our little arrangement works.

Look, I gave you the fight you wanted in May, remember? Remember how I took noted singer Manny Pacquiao to school for 12 rounds without actually trading with him once? Remember how you all lined up to pay for that five years after you really should have? That shit was hysterical. You all helped me buy a Benz to drive myself to the Bugatti dealership. I’m just playing. Those dudes come to Floyd, you heard? I bought the Benz so the Clark County DA could ride over to my house without looking like a fucking peasant. I’m awaiting a thank-you letter from the HOA any day.

To my fanboys: I love you guys, but fuck you, too. You guys really think I’ll magically find the pop to knock Berto out because it’s my last fight? I haven’t even been able to knock a girlfriend out in five years, and believe you me, buddy, I’VE TRIED. At this point you could drop me in the ring with that fat-headed kid from Jerry Maguire and I’d dance with his ass for 12 and wait for Mayweather Promotions LLC employees a group of Vegas judges to hand me my belt back.

To everybody who’s going to criticize me for hand-picking Berto in this, the year of our lord 2015: right!? What the fuck am I even doing any more? You guys know I haven’t knocked anybody out since the Bush administration and yet you still paid Floyd to do his thing against Pacquiao like it was the Super Bowl. For all of Manny’s early-onset senility and faith-based pacifism in the ring, he’ll look like the fucking Hulk compared to the flower of Modesto. Berto’s been knocked down six times in his last six fights and fought his last two in Cincinnati and somewhere called Ontario, CA. I didn’t even know they boxed in Canada! What a dumbass.

Listen, the most important thing is that you tune in Sept. 12. I’m going to tie up Rocky Marciano’s perfect record and walk away at 49-0 against a tomato can. Floyd will give you jack shit on the undercard and zealously protect that 0 because it’s what The Money Team do. You’ll tune in like mindless automatons, buying this bullshit instead of anything a dozen braver, more entertaining fighters will do for you because it’s what you do. Let’s not upset the apple cart here.

Yours in pretty much open disdain,

—Money 🙂

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