(Ed’s note: I hate that I have to say this, but this is satire. Please don’t let it distract from the fact that someone reported they were raped and it’s a serious crime with implications that can last for the rest of someone’s life.)
By Kyle Magin
In early August, star Chicago Blackhawks forward and three-time Stanley Cup Champion Patrick Kane was accused of raping a woman in suburban Buffalo. As every Blackhawks fan worth his or her circa-2010 bandwagon pass will tell you, loudly (and sic’ed), Kaner was ‘targeted by some broad because hes a millionair who wouldnt call her again, jus sayen. $$$’
Leaving aside the fact that scores of athletes who have Q scores larger by factors than Patrick Kane, namely Derek Jeter, have been relentless skirt-chasers since time immemoriam and managed not to be ‘targeted,’ and the general public’s gut-instinct to shit on an accuser, Patrick Kane was asking for a rape investigation.
Look at him in that (now deleted) picture from Sky Bar’s Instagram account (the bar he was allegedly partying at the night of the alleged incident.)
Backwards Bills hat, shiny golf polo with nothing on underneath it, a chain around his neck and what we can only assume is a pleated shorts/topsiders ensemble to round the look out.
Kane was just begging for a rape allegation.
How can you expect women to treat you like a man who doesn’t want to be charged with rape when you look like somebody who’s down to give somebody “bite marks on her shoulder and a scratch on her leg after the alleged attack?” Kaner clearly doesn’t even respect himself enough not to dress like a violent rapist, how can he expect to be treated any differently?
And, it’s not like this is some sartorial special occasion for Kaner. He literally dresses in a Blackhawks jersey every day when he goes to work. He clearly wants it when he looks like the suspect lineup in Champaign-Urbana area jails after the first nice Saturday night in spring.
Listen, this is a 26-year-old white male millionaire partying on a rooftop in summer—it’s a wonder his accuser even had to go through the motions of submitting to a rape kit and an investigation to get the job done.
If Kaner didn’t want it, what was he doing going out and drinking to excess? People who aren’t trying to catch a rape allegation don’t do that. If he didn’t want to be accused of brutally raping a young woman, then why did he take her back to his lakeshore home? He could have dropped her off at her house and left her with a kiss at the front door, Richie Cunningham-style.
But it hurts the brain of a moral, upstanding American to think that Kaner dressed like that, is paid like that, drank like that and tried to after-party like that without expecting the whole thing to end in a rape allegation. You can’t even really blame the accuser.
He asked for it.