Did you go to college in Kansas? If so, how are you reading this right now?
By Kyle Magin
We compiled a probably-not-totally-accurate ranking of the power five college football conferences (full members only, but the ACC didn’t really need Notre Dame) by acceptance rates: the percentage of lazy high school applicants each U lets in.
One thing stood out in our research: if you didn’t get into Kansas (92.3 percent acceptance) or Kansas State (95.9 percent acceptance), congratulate yourself for understanding and hopefully feeling shame once you comprehend either of those figures. Arizona and ASU grads should stop giggling at that and get back to the caddy shack.
If you went to school on either coast, you’re probably a high academic achiever. The SEC, outside of Vanderbilt and, oddly enough, Florida, will let pretty much anybody in. Big Ten grads can rest easy knowing that their most accepting school (Iowa) is still pickier than the flooziest U in every conference but the ACC. Colorado may have broken with the Big 12 on the football field, but in the classroom they’re still every bit as welcoming as their dustbowl neighbors.
Let’s take a look at how stupid your conference is:
Valedictorian: Duke, 13.4 percent
Dunce: Louisville, 71.2 percent
Competitive schools lined up alongside the nation’s populous Eastern Seaboard makes the ACC the choosiest conference in college football. How, then, is this the league where Jimbo Fisher is employed?
Standouts: Duke, UNC (27.6), UVa. (30)
Big Ten (14)
Valedictorian: Northwestern, 15.3 percent
Dunce: Iowa, 80.2 percent
As much as I hate the league’s expansion onto the East Coast, Maryland (47 percent) actually improves its academic standing and offsets the inflated figures for some long-time members. It’s important to note the Unabomber went to Michigan.
Standouts: Northwestern, Michigan (33.3), Minnesota (44.4)
Valedictorian: Stanford, 5.7 percent
Dunce: Colorado, 87.7 percent
Two friends of mine who are Buffs grads are adamant that the school maintains such a high admissions rate because so many qualified out-of-state students apply and the school is loath to turn down their increased tuition. I think green passes are being accepted at the Boulder admissions office. This is all terrible for Stanford, which is the toughest Big 5 school to get into by a long shot and is also the toughest school to get into in the nation.
Standouts: Stanford, Cal (18), USC (19.8)
Valedictorian: Vanderbilt, 12.7 percent
Dunce: Auburn, 82.7 percent
If I would have told you before this exercise that Auburn is more difficult to get into than Colorado, you would have choked on your bong rip. Also, while Vanderbilt is the second most difficult school to earn acceptance to on this list, going there means heading to the same educational institution that willingly pursued Lyla Garrity, who proved her stupidity by dating Tim Riggins multiple times.
Standouts: Vanderbilt, Florida (46.5)
Valedictorian: Texas, 40.2 percent
Dunce: Kansas State, 95.9 percent
I don’t even know what to say about the Kansas schools except that they make West “Fuckin’” Virginia (85.1), a school renowned for its couch burning and critical mass of men named ‘Clint,’ look like an academic powerhouse.
Acceptance rates for each school in each conference are listed below (easiest to hardest)
Auburn 82.7, Mizzou 78.6, Tenn 77.6, LSU 76.2, A&M 69.5, Kentucky 68.6, MSU 64.8, SC 60.6, Ole Miss 59.4, Arkansas 58.6, Bama 56.5, Georgia 56.1, Florida 46.5, Vandy 12.7
CU 87.7, WSU 82.1, Utah 81.7, ASU 80.2, Zona 79, OSU 78.9, U of O 74.2, UW 55.2, UCLA 22, USC 19.8, Berkeley 18, Stanford 5.7
Iowa 80.2, IU 72.2, MSU 68.6, Wisc 67.9, UNL 64, UI 62.4, PU 60.4, Rutgers 59.5, OSU 55.5, PSU 54.2, MD 47, Minn 44.4, Michigan 33.3, NW 15.3
UL 71.2, VT 70.3, Clem 57.9, FSU 56.8, Pitt 56.1, GT 54.9, NCSU 50, Cuse 49.5, UM 40.5, WFU 35.2, BC 32.2, UVa 30, UNC 27.6, Duke 13.4
KSU 95.9, KU 92.3, WV 85.1, ISU 82.5, Oklahoma 80.4, OSU 76, TT 66.3, Baylor 57.5, TCU 47.4, UT 40.2