How doomed is your relationship? Below, what your Halloween couples costume says about your short- and long-term status.
Let’s face it, the trying-too-hard couples costume is the beginning of the end. It’s about the same as when the duo in question says they’re going to therapy to see what it’s all about or are trying new things in the bedroom or just got rid of HBO so they can have more one-on-one time with no distractions.
But there are many gradients on this spectrum of dissolution which is why taking stock of your couples costume this Halloween may be the best and most accurate way to assess the real status of your relationship.
Here then, the rundown of the couples costumes you may see for Halloween 2015 and what the real story is behind the pair who wears them:
Disney Princess/Prince: Either a) She’s 12 b) Something bad happened to her when she was 12 or c) She wants to look 12. In any rate, dating some form of 12-year-old is never a solution for long-term stability.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: 31 percent
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: 70 percent
Chances of making it till next Halloween: 3 percent
Caitlyn/Bruce: Just. Just please don’t be these people. If you go to a party and these people are there, leave because chances are someone’s going to end up fighting over whether James Murphy really hates Daft Punk or puking out a punch/pizza roll combo all over your dirndl.
Chances of being the 50th couple on your Insta feed in some version of this costume: 81 percent
Chances of getting cornered into serious conversation about gender roles, LGBT equality and acceptance at the party: 71 percent
Chances of waking up to being shamed on a Jeffrey Tambor meme: 91 percent
Pharrell/his hat: I just think some couple needs to go as this. Guy: I’m Pharrell. Girl: I’m his hat. Even though this is an idea a year too late, I think it’s slightly more relevant/allowable than being Grizzly Adams and his beard.
Chances of breakup that night: 9 percent (she’s going as a hat after all. It’s hard to make a brown hat sexy…though Pharrell did just that).
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: 93 percent. “I hate your family.” “You made me be a hat.” Checkmate.
Chances of making it till next Halloween: 0 percent. “Last year, my ex had this ah-mazing idea for me to go as a hat.
Matthew McConaughey/A Lincoln: The relentless examination of a middle-aged actor’s physical and perhaps psychic deafening morality is exactly the opposite the way we thought it would look, should look, from him. The latest in the lineage of the world’s great car salesmen. McConaughey is the heir to Mantalban’s Cordoba with Corinthian Leather ad-lib and David Leisure’s Joe Isuzu juggernaut. And yet, none of his predecessors did it with such precision, such poetry. You have the opportunity to be the costume of a lifetime. And you don’t need anyone or anything to join you but for the open road.
Chances of breakup that night: It’s not about hugging trees. It’s not about being wasteful either. You’ve just gotta find that balance.
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: Where taking care of yourself takes care of more than just yourself
Chances of making it till next Halloween: That’s the sweet spot.
Dom/Brian O’Conner: Finally one for the bros. Gay bros, straight bros, bros who are bros. Nothing says, “We are family” like dressing up as a pair of guys who wreck cars and speak only in declarative fragments for a living.
Chances of breakup before #FF8 hits theaters: 88 percent
Chances of trying to jump a car through a train: 13 percent
Chances of running into the real-life Michelle Rodriguez and getting her signature Michelle Rodriguez stink-eye over this get-up: 96 percent
Bud and Sissy: This costume pretty much says you’re too young to be married much less figure out a list of who-does-what chores in the single-wide. She’s going to run off with a jailbird mechanical bull operator/mesh t-shirt type and you’re going to meet one of the Bush nieces and she’s going to buy you nice shirts and let you stay in her penthouse. Till one day you discover you love the one you left behind, because you watched your uncle take a fatal digger on an oil rig. She, at the same time, discovered the ex-con banging a waitress in his single-wide and it’s only a matter of time before you get back together as Johnny Lee plays over the credits.
Chances of him breaking arm as he’s thrown off bull Halloween night: 88 percent
Chances of breakup before he can remove the mini license plates with your names on them from the back window of his Chevy: 98 percent
Chances of him punching a hole in the wood paneling of the single-wide because dinner is undercooked: 100 percent
OJ and Nicole Brown-Simpson: We pretty much know how this one ends. Bonus points if you get the guy she’s cheating on you with to be Ron Goldman. Points off if you wear blackface. Overall, you two may be just demented enough to make it.
breakup a brutal crime of passion Halloween night: 2 percent
Chances of Kato moving out of the pool house when the shit goes down: 22 percent
Chances of of the glove fitting: 29 percent
John and Yoko: Which you John and Yoko you choose: Bed-In John and Yoko (still in the honeymoon phase), Rolling Stone cover John and Yoko (still feeling solid in the relationship), Lost Weekend John and Yoko (taking a break) or Double Fantasy John and Yoko (in it for the long haul) determines where you land on the couples costume break-up spectrum. I do recommend John and Yoko as an “all-time costume” for couples who are already white baby grand shopping or otherwise considering procreation.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: 12 percent
Chances of breakup before the media tires of you: 22 percent
Chances of not going him naked and her fully clothed next Halloween: 89 percent
Woody Allen/Diane Keaton: A somewhat fading hipsterish nod to the irony that you’re giving a somewhat fading hipsterish nod to a couple that ironically doesn’t end up together. If people don’t get the reference just say you’re Lena Dunham and Adam Driver.
Chances of the lobster escaping the pot Halloween night: 21 percent
Chances of him moving to LA before realizing he misses you: 25 percent
Chances of getting in the bad habit of saying la-di-da till next Halloween: 70 percent
Bonnie and Clyde: Well, at least she’s trying to do something to repurpose that flapper dress and the pinstriped three-piece she made him get for her Gatsby office party three years ago is getting a second run. Maybe if the two of you find “something new” in this outfit you can find something new in one another.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: 13 percent
Chances of your party hosts nervously not understanding why you’re carrying guns: 18 percent
Chances of you going home with whomever says Bonnie and Clyde or The Graduate should’ve both beaten out In the Heat of the Night for the ‘68 Best Picture Oscar: 11 percent
Evan Dando/Elizabeth Moses: An Essex-born small liberal arts college dropout ‘90s-slacker alt posterboy junkie crooner and his disaffected English supermodel ex-wife. You’re MFEO! If nobody gets it you can always say you’re Kurt and Courtney.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: Who cares? Not you.
Chances of an acoustic performance: 22 percent
Chances of reconciliation over brunch: 98 percent
Members of the Suicide Squad: This year’s It costume features variations on both of you looking like Jared Leto. And let’s just say this is a perfect comeback couples costume if people are STILL raving about your Eric Draven outfit from 1995. Hopefully, your Harley Quinn doesn’t make out with the wrong joker—though it’s inevitable because no man can resist pigtails and whiteface.
Chances of breakup that night: 88 percent
Chances of another shooting inside the midnight showing of this film next year: 99 percent
Chances of both of you making it till next Halloween without a mysterious STD outbreak: < 1 percent
Rev. Richard Wayne Gary Wayne/Kimmie Schmidt: You’re the two most clever people at the party. Chances are you’ll be arriving and going home together. Congrats. Now if you could only find a bunker the night would be complete. Karate, karate, karate.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: 12 percent
Chances of someone singing Peeno Noir at you: 22 percent
Chances of him wanting to grow a real pony tail and be it again next Halloween: 29 percent
Slutty girl/straight man: The classic pre-break-up get-up. Whether you’re the priest/Catholic school girl, the Devil/Mrs. Jones, the doctor in scrubs/naughty nurse, a really gross Adam and Eve that would’ve ensured the end of procreation before it began or Ann Romano/Schneider—its 4 a.m. and the unintentionally set phone alarm is going off big-time on this relationship. When it’s not Halloween, she’s on Tinder using her real name as an anagram with photos of her sipping designer coffee foam and he’s taking long lunches at the Panera Bread with the admin. She may not be willing to tell him, “I’m test-marketing my truest/singlest/baddest self like the new Taco Bell Doritos Locos Bowl®” tonight, but this might be the point in the relationship where you start writing your name inside all the book jackets and storing your best Tupperware in a small unmarked box in the garage.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: Even money with a wardrobe malfunction
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: 52 percent
Chances of making it till next Halloween: 14 percent
Teletubbies or M&Ms or Big Bird and Snuffaluffagus: You’ve given up. You’ve given up on each other and yourselves. You’ve settled on the period pants equivalent of the couples Halloween costume. You probably have three kids by now and are just wearing “whatever maybe fits” from last year or five years or 15 years ago. Congrats, you’ve made it another year. Is it nine yet?
breakup leaving the house that night: < 2 percent
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: 3 percent (but only if you have to do Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family).
Chances of making it till next Halloween—unless there’s a bankruptcy: 97 percent
Rick from Backroom Casting Couch/Any fake-reluctant girl: Maybe don’t do this unless you’re going stag. Maybe don’t do this because nobody’s going to get who you are and costumes you have to explain are the only things worse than jokes you have to explain. Maybe just don’t do this.
Chances of meeting someone new and getting their real name: 2 percent
Chances of “accidental insemination”: 13 percent
Chances of having to hand out Valtrex samples to most of greater Tempe by next Halloween if you pull this off: 92 percent
Carrie Bradshaw/Mr. Big: If you’re this into referencing Darren Star you’re probably AARP eligible so it’s safe to say there’s just too much effort to hit on someone else or be hit on. If you’re young and making fun of SATC then there’s a good chance you’ll get separated at the party as someone mistakes you for Don Draper and a heroine chic ballerina
Chances of breaking up and getting back together again and breaking up and getting back together again and breaking up and getting back together again that night: 78 percent
Chances of starting smoking just to pretend you’re in the late-’90s again: 23 percent
Chances of anyone ever being able to live on the Upper West Side and buy all those shoes from a newspaper job again: 0 percent
‘80s hair metal god/groupie: You’re thinking: Damn, I feel like Mark Slaughter. She’s thinking: Damn I remember the time I used to look like Jennifer Lawrence and blew Mark Slaughter. Either way, if you’re of a certain age you’ll probably be at some kind of Gen-X stucco and spanish tile nightmare Kirkland-inspired rager where things get key-party weird in the hot tub after midnight anyway. You two being this couple opens the door for indiscretion but probably also means you’re not saying anything about it in the Sienna as you pull up at the Del Taco drive-thru at 3 a.m.
Chances of breakup that night because of unfulfilled expectations that your costumes connote but you can’t quite articulate: 22 percent
Chances of getting back together immediately because nobody else will get with you in that wig: 48 percent
Chances of making it till next Halloween—and thinking it’s a good idea to do the ‘rocker costume’ again: 89 percent
Brandon Borello/Jordan Alford/Sam Armstrong/Joe Jonas/Taylor Lautner/Jake Gyllenhaal/Conor Kennedy/John Mayer Calvin Harris: If she’s deciding to be Taylor Swift (or if your Halloween date is actual Taylor Swift) make sure your phone’s charged and you order up that Uber early. Because you’re not going home with anyone that resembles her.
Chances of breakup Halloween night: #89 percent
Chances of breakup before the holidays are over: #89 percent
Chances of making it till next Halloween: #89 percent
Chances of getting peed on Halloween night: 98 percent
Chances of going halves on a baby Halloween night: 74 percent
Chances of being mistaken for Usher and Chilli: 89 percent
Waingro/doomed hooker: Next month marks the 20th anniversary of the release of the greatest film ever to feature Val Kilmer saying Ashley Judd is leaving him for Hank Azaria because of “not enough steaks in the freezer.” It also features Waingro, the sociopathic hooker-killer who pretty much blows everything for DeNiro and Amy Brenneman. Not your jam? If you’re a balding dude and want to look like a bad-ass with a goatee and wrap-arounds and have a buddy that looks like William Fichtner (and let’s face it, who DOESN’T have a buddy who looks like William Fichtner) you’re gonna want to do this: The Ultimate Couples Costume™ of 2015. (<—And yes, that includes Brad Pitt/Morgan Freeman and box with fake severed Gwyneth head).
Chances of not breaking up Halloween night: Who cares, you’re Waingro
Chances of ever seeing your couples costume partner again seven minutes after you get to the party: Who cares, you’re Waingro
Chances of…fuck it, nevermind: Who cares, you’re Waingro