The good thing about the BCS before it morphed into a #fourteamplayoff was at least the computer didn’t have to go to bed early/wasn’t too blacked out from the Mississippi State/Ole Miss tailgater to make somewhat lucid decisions not based on whether you say y’all unironically.
Of the dozen College Football Playoff selection committee members only ONE has any semblance of a notion the Louisiana Purchase ever took place.
That man is Tom Jernstedt, an (alleged) Oregon grad who has been lapdogging so long for
the official brand of indentured servitude the NCAA that he can’t be trusted any more than an e-vite to a dinner party at Lando’s Cloud City condo.
Before we look at who the committee is, this is how they voted for the first official 2015 ranking. Conspicuously absent: Any state west of Carrie Underwood’s last tour stop.
In what world is Clemson ever number one besides in: Warped head coach’s delivering of a strange brand of Christianity to a secular locker room and locals putting weird ‘ps’ between syllables. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but mightily looking forward to watching Florida State roll those tigers this weekend.Oh wait, (scroll down) your AD is on the fucking selection committee? You don’t say!
- LSU: Fine, put the undefeated SEC team up there, but maybe do it after they beat a ranked team that’s not Florida.
- Ohio State: Not going to hate on a team that’s undefeated out of the B1G, but what about Michigan State?
- Bama: See: LSU but with a loss to Ole Miss.
- Notre Dame: No fucking clue. Even God is annoyed by this domer love and that’s why he’s giving them the gift of Stanford on Nov. 28.
- Baylor: SMU, Lamar, Rice, Texas Tech, Kansas, Iowa State. Pretty sure Fresno State could run this schedule thus far. Thank God for the great state of Oklahoma.
- Michigan State: I can’t be mad at a program that had a .02 percent chance of beating Michigan in the final seconds—and did. Why not switch ‘em up with OSU?
- TCU: See: Baylor, but with more close-calls than dating Chelsea Handler in her 20s.
- Iowa: Indiana, Nebraska, Purdue and Minnesota to go? How does one get such a patsy schedule in such a strong division?
- Florida: Clearly there’s got to be something wrong with the stakeholders here (note to self: check out Gatorade prospectus and cross-reference selection committee with current board members.)
Now, onto this klatch of Sonic gift card recipients, Duck Dynasty box set owners and self-anointed deciders:
• Jeff Long, Director of Athletics, University of Arkansas-Fayetteville: I’m assuming Arkansas-Fayetteville is your first-choice school when you can only draw, not spell, Razorback.
• Barry Alvarez, Director of Athletics, University of Wisconsin-Madison: Seems like a friendly sort until you check out the WSJ’s strange cabana-centric puff piece followed by a make-up expose of Alvarez claiming he “didn’t know” and didn’t take action when John Chadima, his former associate AD and known crotch-grabber, supplied alcohol to underage students using funds from donations to the department. After he got all hammered, Chadima would make sexual advances toward male student employees and then threaten to fire them when they didn’t comply. Why’d you put Notre Dame up so high Barry? I don’t know! I’m in the cabana!
• Lt. General Mike Gould (ret.) Fmr Superintendent of USAF Academy: Military guy. Fine, gotta have someone around to take the Qdoba order.
• Kirby Hocutt, Director of Athletics, Texas Tech: Apparently Jeff Long didn’t cover the Red Neck quota.
• Tom Jernstedt, Former NCAA Executive VP: On here between dry cleaning runs for Mark A. Emmert; hard to believe Jernstedt is actually interested in a sport that doesn’t involve shredding documents.
• Bobby Johnson, Former HC Vanderbilt: Good ol’ Boy Archie Manning’s good ol’ replacement on the committee.
• Tom Osborne, Former HC University of Nebraska: Oh my god, I was just playing the legendary college football head coach dead-or-alive drinking game. I guess I had Osborne confused with Bo Schembechler.
• Dan Radakovich, Director of Athletics, Clem(p)son: This is starting to make more sense…
• Condoleezza Rice, Stanford professor/professional endless war starter: No wonder the woman responsible for the birth ISIS is involved in this mess.
• Steve Wieberg, former reporter USA Today: I remember trying to read one of his columns in the amount of time it took me to take a dump at the Courtyard Scottsdale Salt River. Let’s just say, he flushed the lede.
• Mike Tranghese, Former Commissioner, Big East: Not sure how a former commissioner of a former conference is in a position to make real-time decisions about things that exist… besides the fact that his fax machine resides in the right time zone.
• Tyrone Willingham, former Notre Dame HC bust: Those who can’t coach for God then get their contracts bought out and vote for him. Excited for Charlie Weis to take his spot on the committee next year.