El Niño is about to fire up the whistles and tequila poppers for #springbreak16 in the Sierras this weekend. And while it’s currently sending up in BC and Washington State, the Niño’s Southwest flight should be wheels down in the Tahoe Basin sometime Friday.
Storm’s-a-brewin’ which means let the fucking ski resort hype machine begin.
In this week’s high-stakes game of press release poker, Homewood is the small blind and Sugar Bowl is the big blind.
Let’s check in on the action at the table:
Homewood: Five inches of sno fo sho this weekend.
Sugar Bowl: Get excited for some fresh pow-pow on the way as Miracle March officially debuts this weekend with up to 10 inches predicted.
Squaw/Alpine: “Squaw Valley/Alpine Meadows is predicting more than 14 inches of fresh snow coming to it’s [sic] mostly incredible peaks over the next 19 hours. We find that its [sic] going to be a big weekend for us and only us so you can do what you want but you should be here because USA Today—which everyone reads—says you should,” says Andy Wirth, president and CEO of Squaw Valley Ski Holdings, LLC, the parent company of Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows. “So there.”
Mt. Rose: Fuck it Reno. We’re abouts to have two muthafuckin’ feet of fresh this weekend. Get up here whenever. Also, we’re selling a pass good for the 2017-2021 seasons called the “No blackout unless you’re actually blacked out” pass for $19…and ski free for the rest of this season.
Heavenly: Those jackholes at Mt. Rose just said two feet so we’re good for at least three. Also, Sammy Hagar. You hear that Sacramento, The Red Fucking Rocker! #cabowabo #vanhagar
Sierra-at-Tahoe: If you live in Meyers or are old enough to remember when the South Lake Tahoe ‘Y’ had a Miller’s Outpost where you could get 501s and a Corona poncho to ski in then just know this: We’ve got four feet of snow coming!
Kirkwood: Even though we’re owned by the fucking
Death Star Vail, we still have some of that Kirkweed bro-cred from the ’13 Freeride World Tour. So, um. I dunno. Fucking five feet yo.
Northstar: Our park will have six feet of new snow and six new sick rails this weekend.
Homewood: I’m not sure…does JMA still even own us? Do they care? Whatever happened to the Yuroseks. Fuck it, we’re out.
Sugar Bowl: What’re we at?
Squaw/Alpine: Seven feet.
Sugar Bowl: Over like how long? Awww, hell’s bells. We fold.
Squaw/Alpine: “Northstar is full of shit. Eight feet at Squaw and that’s with the Squaw #eightfeetguarantee,” says Andy Wirth, president and CEO of Squaw Valley Ski Holdings, LLC, the parent company of Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows which also said it’s not going to tear down the Chammy and please if you work here and sleep in your car don’t park in front of a snow berm and keep the engine on during a big storm.
Mt. Rose: (Crushes a Keystone and burps.) Um, five feet.
Heavenly: We’re at eight.
Mt. Rose: Shit. Um, OK. GSR has Sir Mix-a-Lot coming in Friday. And we’re out.
Heavenly: (Laughs!) Mix-a-Lot. Classic Reno (reaches for stack.) We’ll see your Mix-a-Lot and raise you fucking Styx on March 18…plus NINE FEET of snow this weekend. Sierra?
Sierra-at-Tahoe: (Exhales huge bong rip.) What? How much to keep playing?
Sierra-at-Tahoe: Nine inches? We’ll go ten. Everyone likes a ten-incher. (High Fives some dude in jorts and a beanie standing there watching.)
(Table cracks up.)
Homewood: That’s 10 feet holmes.
Sierra-at-Tahoe: (Coughing fit.) Oh fuck. Yeah. We’re out. We’ll just skin up Jobs whenever.
Kirkwood: Vail HQ says to go 12 feet but what the fuck does it matter? The road’s gonna be closed and the generator out anyway. We’re out.
Squaw/Alpine: (Stands up pushes all in.) “Squaw Valley USA and Alpine meadows is pleased to announce it will get fifty fucking feet of snow this weekend,” says Andy Wirth, president and CEO of Squaw Valley Ski Holdings, LLC, the parent company of Squaw Valley Alpine Meadows which is still trying to figure out how to market 200 boxes of old Jonny Moseley Huck Dolls. Maybe one free with next year’s super-platinum-alles-gut pass. “This means basically there’s going to be more snow than in that movie The Day After Tomorrow where the Statue of Liberty is buried up to her face hole in pow and Jake Gyllenhall has to dig out with a fucking shoe. The fifty feet of snow will also form a permanent ice bridge not yet seen in the post-Mesozioc Era between Squaw Valley USA and Alpine Meadows which means we can scrap the gondola thing.”
Fifty feet it is then. Unless you’re skiing Diamond Peak. In that case, it’ll be a dusting of two to three inches, just enough to give you a fresh layer of corduroy after Sunday’s Qupé Wines visit to Last Tracks.