31 potentially incredible things about Vegas being the NHL’s 31st franchise

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LAS VEGAS, NV - FEBRUARY 10: (L-R) Clark County Commissioner Steve Sisolak, Senior Vice President of Arenas for MGM Resorts International Mark Prows, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, Fidelity National Financial Inc. Chairman and President of Hockey Vision Las Vegas Bill Foley, Schneider Electronics CMO Chris Hummel, President and CEO of the Las Vegas Convention & Visitors Authority Rossi Ralenkotter are flanked by models in hockey gear during a news conference at the MGM Grand Hotel & Casino announcing the launch of a season ticket drive to try to gauge if there is enough interest in Las Vegas to support an NHL team on February 10, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. A Las Vegas franchise would play in a USD 375 million, 20,000-seat arena being built on the Strip by MGM Resorts International and AEG that is scheduled to open in the spring of 2016. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

It’s unofficially official—the NHL is coming to (and possibly in every orifice once there) Las Vegas.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

To celebrate the NHL’s newest sun belt entry, below are 31 reasons the NHL in Vegas is going to replace Rainforest Cafe as the place you drop your family off while you go “check a work call real quick” for three hours:

  1. The game as actual respite from drinking: Let’s face it, unless your name is Hunter and you’re walking around with a white bucket hat and yellow-tinted range specs, there comes a point in every Vegas retreat when you just need to hit reset. But the pool is an hour wait because DJ Doudble Dayre is spinning and someone just emptied their bowels near the shrimp at the buffet. So where better to dry out?
  2. Possibility of Vegas’ favorite son, Mark Slaughter singing BOTH national anthems on opening day. (As long as it’s not on actual Mark Slaughter Day).
  3. Plain-clothed strippers.
  4. That over/under game Vegas fans will play about how many members of the opposition puke up red on the ice in the first period.
  5. …The only way NHL home ice could ever be more one-sided is if they actually sloped the rink.
  6. Nevada will now have a professional sports franchise and a Tesla factory. What’s next? A Carrot Top pilot for Netflix?
  7. This is a tricky one: Vegas is FULL of douchebags, including you you idiot. Hockey fans (and Bills fans) are douchebags too— but a different, perhaps more evolved brand of douchebag. They OWN it. In other words, all those frat guys in disguise with wristbands and women’s tights groping your daughters at Coachella will get the crap kicked out of them in the parking lot of T-Mobile.
  8. The fact the arena is named after the jankiest phone and data provider in the land means nobody’s going to be taking and posting selfies once inside. Zero bars = people actually watching the game.
  9. Vegas Insider puts odds of a Vince Neil spotting at a game at 89 percent. Odds of sitting next to him, 73 percent. Odds of doing blow with him in the third stall, 69—of course.
  10. I don’t want to see this but I guarantee Wayne Newton is going to fucking slip and fall.
  11. Sigfried and Roy: Tigers on Ice. It’s a crime against all things human and animal, but I guarantee this is going to be a thing.
  12. Britney Spears is going to run through that team’s starting lineup faster than a 40 plate of Bourbon Honey Mustard at B-Dubs®.
  13. Center ice weddings instead of Kiss Cam between p2 and p3.
  14. Speaking of Kiss Cam, prop bets galore on who Pink and Carey Hart get caught macking on during home games.
  15. I feel like #vegashockeyandchill is way gonna trend—hard.
  16. You ever get this feeling that there are like hundreds of thousands of people who live in Vegas and you have no idea what they do, except you can totally tell they didn’t make it in LA so here they are. Like maybe they’re tattoo removal apprentices or CrossFit consultants or have some service you can buy when you’re looking for a toaster oven on Craigslist but you ‘accidentally’ click around. Anyway, these people need jobs and there’s no job more noble than hockey beer man/woman.
  17. Pretty much the ONLY thing we have to offer Canadians to counterbalance the number of defectors to the north they’ll be getting during the next presidential administration.
  18. The ONE place to hide from hipster doofus skinnyjean and going-out-shirt bachelor party Vegas…for about the first three seasons…till they discover and ruin it.
  19. I think the one thing that could bring Gretzky out of retirement is the ability for him to know that someone can now legally bet against Gretzky.
  20. If they get the Cosmopolitan ad agency on it, it’s going to be the sexiest hockey team (incl. Milk bath) fucking ever.
  21. The sheer number of incredible tats with variations of the new team logo is going to be wonderfully overwhelming.
  22. After season two or three, Vegas is going to have to up the penalty for streaking on ice to a jailable offence/$500k bond. Till then, there’s going to be countless incidents of ice burn on some great bums.
  23. Cannot WAIT for a gentleman’s club called ZamBONEme! to open across from T-Mobile.
  24. ^ You first heard about it on the flier that little guy with the mustache handed you.
  25. If one franchise has the juice to get Mark Wahlberg to perform as Marky Mark just one fucking more time…
  26. If one thing can lure Céline Dion back from the great white north again…it’s old-time Hockey.
  27. Please oh please consider the name the Chiefs (Nevada is a land of marginalized indigenous people—and I’m not just talking about the dealers at Joker$ Wild) …and have unis be Slap Shot-themed.
  28. The possibility of a Vegas Mormon NHL takeover, similar to the MLBs.
  29. Brandon Flowers night. Where the first 3,500 men who look (or are trying to look) like Brandon Flowers get a free Brandon Flowers jersey blazer.
  30. Finally a healthy convention alternative to ‘tangling lanyards’ with a stranger.
  31. AVN Awards…on ice.
  32. (Bonus) Bringing smoking back to professional sport.

Slap-Shot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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