Do you have a pulse, a checkbook, and college aspirations? Kansas wants you!
Written By Kyle Magin
We’re in the second year of our annual probably-not-totally accurate academic ranking of the power five college football conferences by acceptance rates: the percentage of high school applicants each university admits.
Click here to see how schools ranked last year.
I’m sensing a broken-record scenario here, because again, Kansas (93 percent acceptance) and Kansas State (95 percent acceptance) are passing out congratulatory dorm assignments like they’re tickets to a timeshare presentation. Push, pull, tow or Uber your way in and we’ll get you into a brand new 2020 diploma!
The Big 12 as a whole lets in an astounding 71.61 percent of its applicants, which is actually better than 2015’s acceptance rates, so cheer up, you’ll be in remedial math with guys old enough to buy you beers, young Jayhawks and Wildcats.
Stanford still reigns as the place you’d least want to attend after being denied admission. I assume the 82 percent of applicants USC passes on can’t fill out a football or song girl uniform any more ably than a transcript release.
And, let’s talk about Vanderbilt for a second. Those nerds couldn’t sustain success on the field even when they had a good coach and the requisite football powerhouse rapists on campus. Now with all that gone, it’s back to watching Cosmos on Netflix between cram sessions.
Let’s take a tour through America’s big time football conferences, smartest to most-likely-to-vote-Trump.
Average Acceptance Rate: 42.72 percent
Valedictorian: Duke, 10.1 percent
Dunce: Louisville, 74 percent
How much must it suck to be Louisville and Va Tech (70 percent)? Not only are you the frat’s stupidest member, but also it’s poorest and least athletic. One hopes they have a hookup on good weed. Of the 47 percent of people Florida State turns away, how many do you think are smart enough to get away with stealing crab legs from Publix? Anyway, hats off to the East Coast for having the most fearsome Tiger Moms.
Standouts: Georgia Tech (25), Wake Forest, Boston College, UVA (29)
Average Acceptance Rate: 54.25 percent
Valedictorian: Northwestern, 13.1 percent
Dunce: Iowa, 80.2 percent
Northwestern has to have the most self-hating band of nerds on the planet. It’s legitimately one of the 3 hardest schools to get into on this whole page, and their deepest wish is for you to look upon them like jolly-time Budweiser-swilling mouthbreathers, AKA Chicago’s cool kids. They festoon their jerseys in flags and salute-the-troops regalia and smothered a student-athlete union in its crib. These things connote tough-guy, hyperpatriotic capitalism. AND YET, they’re using the football team to raise awareness around their peanut and tree-nut free program, wherein the chess club has hijacked Ryan Field and banned the sale of nuts and nut-related products. That’s your true color, Northwestern.
Standouts: Michigan (28.6), Minnesota (45.4)
Average Acceptance Rate: 55.95 percent
Valedictorian: Stanford, 4.7 percent
Dunce: Arizona State, 84.3 percent
A tenth of a percent is probably not a mathematical concept most Colorado students would understand, but that’s how much the bong-rippers from Boulder under-accepted Arizona State by. Congrats, Buffs. This is really a league of two extremes–UCLA, USC, Cal and Stanford are the exclusive province of students who were the top 10 in their high school graduating classes. The Arizonas, Colorado, Utah and the Oregons, on the other hand, really fill their state school mandate and educate everyone. Washington (55) kind of straddles the fence.
Standouts: Cal (17.5), USC (18)
Average Acceptance Rate: 63.3 percent
Valedictorian: Vanderbilt, 8.8 percent
Dunce: Ole Miss, 81 percent
National titles, gold medals, great baseball. The south has everything…except, mostly, a diploma anybody beside an alum would consider sight-unseen valuable. You hope that if the SEC is working toward anything, it’s using their athletic fame to climb this list.
Standouts: Florida (47.1), Alabama (51), Georgia (55.8)
Average Acceptance Rate: 71.61 percent
Valedictorian: Texas, 40.2 percent
Dunce: Kansas State, 95 percent
Maybe the Big 12 is the conference least full of bullshit, where the student athlete is most like the student, academically, at each school. So many pompous, so-called ‘Harvard-on-the’ whatevers, cough *Michigan* cough, allow in partial academic qualifiers who have no hope of catching up to their classmates after a lifetime in underprivileged schools and getting passed through because they’re good at sports. Maybe it’s also the dumbest league on this least, for the second year in a row.
Standouts: Baylor (44), TCU (48.9)
Auburn 77.7, Mizzou 78.6, Tenn 75, LSU 77, A&M 71, Kentucky 68.6, MSU 71, SC 65, Ole Miss 81, Arkansas 58.6, Bama 51, Georgia 55.8, Florida 47.1, Vandy 8.8
CU 84.2, WSU 80.9, Utah 81.7, ASU 84.3, Zona 74.6, OSU 78, U of O 74, UW 55,UCLA 18.6, USC 18, Berkeley 17.5, Stanford 4.7
Iowa 80.2, IU 76.1, MSU 71, Wisc 49.2, UNL 69.9, UI 62.4, PU 49.2, Rutgers 60.9,OSU 55.5, PSU 50.3, MD 47.8, Minn 45.4, Michigan 28.6, NW 13.1
UL 74, VT 70, Clem 57.9, FSU 53.1, Pitt 56.1, GT 25, NCSU 43.7, Cuse 53.2, UM 37.8, WFU 29, BC 29, UVa 29, UNC 30, Duke 10.4
KSU 95, KU 93, WV 85.8, ISU 86.9, Oklahoma 81.3, OSU 75, TT 66, Baylor 44,TCU 48.9, UT 40.2