By Donald J. Trump (with Andrew J. Pridgen)
Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans and people of the world, thank you.
I wanted to say fuck you, but Ivanka suggested I start on a high note. So I’ll save it for farther down.
We, the citizens of America are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people.
Reminder: I don’t pay taxes. Like, ever.
Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come. We will face challenges. We will confront hardships, but we will get the job done. Every four years we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power. And we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Thank you.
This will be the only portion of my speech you don’t see my tiny hands because they are currently behind my back with fingers crossed.
Today’s ceremony however, has very special meaning, because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, DC. And giving it back to you, the people.
By people I mean ExxonMobil, Monsanto, the Koch Brothers, Goldman Sachs, most of the guys who own NFL teams, the Kushner family and anyone else who donated $200 million or more to the GOP over the last half-decade.
For too long, have reaped the rewards of government while people have borne the cost. Washington flourished, but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered period, but the jobs left and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs and while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.
I have no idea about how a global economy works, about automation or about what jobs are going to look like for the remainder of this century, but factories, OK!
That all changes starting right here and right now, because this moment is your moment. It belongs to you. It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country.
Live it up today, because tomorrow I’m taking away your healthcare, your financial aid, your prospects for studying the arts or humanities, your unions, your freedom of speech, your entitlements — pretty much anything that will keep you from being poor, sick and hungry. Now can I say fuck you, Ivanka? OK, fine, I’ll wait.
What truly matters is not what truly controls our government but whether our government is controlled by the people. January 20, 2017 will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.
January 20, 2017. Write it down. You’ll remember it like 9/11 and Pearl Harbor Day. Only this time the threat comes from within.
Everyone is listening to you now, you came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction, that a nation exists to serve its citizens. Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families and good jobs for themselves. These are just and reasonable demands of righteous people and a righteous public. But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists. Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted-out factories, scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, an education system flush with cash but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge. And the crime and the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential.
First appearance of the word ‘tombstone’ in an inaugural address. Boom. What they don’t know is I’m referring to the pizza. Also, can I stop here for a minute and talk about beautiful students a little more? Mandatory school girl outfits starting in Kindergarten for every girl…and some of you boys — if you go that direction…you know what I’m saying?
This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. We are one nation and their pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home and one glorious destiny. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans. For many decades, we have enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military.
American carnage. Stay away from me yeah! American carnage. Mama let me be-eee!
We have defended other nations’ borders while refusing to defend our own. And spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas while America’s infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength and confidence of our country has dissipated over the horizon.
Dissipated. Four syllables bitches. Clinton you owe me a Benjamin! Lap dances on you tonight hombre.
One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind. The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world. But that is the pass and now we are looking only to the future.
Factories, mention number two. Still have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about…but, how bout I distract you with a sentence that describes the past with the word future stuck at the end?
We assemble here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city in every foreign capital and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first, America first. Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs will be made to benefit American workers and American families. We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies and destroying our jobs.
Hear that? That was the sound of every historian in this country shitting his pants at once.
Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for you with every breath in my body. And I will never ever let you down.
P.S. I breathe through gills.
America will start winning again, winning like never before. We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. We will get our people off of welfare and back to work, rebuilding our country with American hands and American labor.
We will follow two simple rules, buy American and hire American. We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world, but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example. We will shine for everyone to follow.
OK, none of this is going to happen. Ivanka, is it time to say fuck you yet?
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones and reform the world against radical Islamic terrorism which we will eradicate from the face of the earth. At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other.
Total allegiance. Nothing tyrannical here. Nope. Totally normal.
When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when god’s people live together in unity. We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue sold art. When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.
America is Michael Jordan in 1988 hosting a Bible study at a Krispy Kreme.
There should be no fear. We are protected and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement. And most importantly, we will be protected by God.
Clearly, I about as much understanding about God as he has desire to watch over me. Did I mention factories yet?
Finally, must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long it is striving. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining, but never doing anything about it.
Paradoxically, I just called myself out. Then again, I’ve made it this far as a walking contradiction/conflict of interest — so why stop now?
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Do not allow anyone to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. We will not fail.
The hour of action is also what I call the time from the moment the hookers walk through the door.
Our country will thrive and prosper again. We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the earth from the miseries of disease and harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow.
I was going to say Willennium, but he boycotted. Hey, to the hottest of my daughters, can I do a big ol’ fuck you yet?
A new national pride will stir ourselves, lift our sights and heal our divisions. It’s time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget, that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots.
Especially the women like Megyn Kelly who have blood coming out of their whatevers.
We all enjoy the same glorious freedoms. And we all salute the same great American flag. And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the wind-swept plains of Nebraska, they look at the same night sky. They fill their heart with the same dreams and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty creator.
With apologies to Michael Bay, great filmmaker — he’s a star — I wanted to write a sentence that sounded like that montage scene from Armageddon just before the asteroid is about to hit. How’d I do?
So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words, you will never be ignored again.
BTW, did you get a load of Kellyanne Conway’s outfit today? Woof. She looks like a Rocket Pop melted all over the sidewalk. If you’re out tonight, be sure you don’t step in that mess. Can I do one more? I have time? OK. Hey Kellyanne, I said come to the inauguration in a Town Car, not a clown car.
Your voice, your hopes and your dreams will define our American destiny. And your courage, goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again.
OK Ivanka, I got through all these scrolling word things. It’s like reading the beginning of Star Wars out loud in front of several dozen people and a bunch of mirrors. Now can I say fuck you? Cool. Fuck you America.
We will make America safe again. And yes, together, we will make America great again. Thank you. God bless you. And god bless America. Thank you. God bless America.
Can I show the clip now? OK, roll the clip!