Phil Mickelson emerged from his La Jolla estate to stretch his man tits and admonish America’s Finest Plebeians for failing to properly cowtow.

Written by Kyle Magin


Lord Lefty Mickelson deigned to speak to the San Diego Union Tribune Thursday about the stupidity of his fellow San Diegans in letting the San Diego Chargers fly the coop for L.A. With one week to go until the Farmers Open at Torrey Pines, Mickelson decided that now would be a good time to shit on city residents.

“I just wish that all the people in San Diego loved (The Chargers) the way I do and fought a little harder to keep them,” Mickelson told U-T reporter Jeff Sanders. One assumes he then wiped some caviar spittle from his chin with a Benjamin while shaking his head.

Yes, guvnah, the problem with San Diegans certainly is that they don’t love the Chargers, their team for nearly six decades, enough. The team which bears the lightning bolt logo which adorns every other Prius and Tahoe you see in town. The team which starred one of the most beloved athletes in the history of this city in Junior Seau. The citizens voted down Measure C, a ghoulish effort to tax the lifeblood tourism industry into the ground to build a new downtown NFL stadium, because they didn’t love their team enough. Obviously.

Lo, Phil had points yet to make! One imagines the reporter leaning into the rarified air which circulates around his lordship to collect each pearl of wisdom which tumbled forth from his ample chest.

“I understand the way the economics in the NFL works and the ticket sharing of 60/40 percent and how the suite money is where you make your money,” Mickelson said. Did you know that about the NFL, you fucking street urchin? I didn’t think so. “The suites at Qualcomm were the worst I’ve ever seen out of all the stadiums I’ve been to. So I totally understand where the Chargers are at.”

Why, I’ve been to every nobleman’s box suite in every blood-soaked coliseum stadium in the Roman Empire NFL, and these are by far the poorest! You louts can’t even muster a good ‘55 Bollinger for me to gargle my Lipitor with! How dare you expect the Chargers to play in such a ghetto.

“When the vote came in, it was disappointing,” Mickelson said of Measure C’s ass-kicking in the November general election. “Because, if it were me, on the other (Charger’s) end, I would feel very unwanted. It’s no fun being at a place where you’re not wanted.”

Jeevs! I say, pull the Rolls around on the double, man. I get the feeling these whores and hunchbacks and their filthy little waifs have tired of my company. Onto La Jolla, good sir! I wish to place a congratulatory phone call to The Donald from my study.