Marissa Mayer will leave Yahoo! with a $23 million golden parachute, but people are mad, not because her tenure was unremarkable …but because she’s a woman.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

The golden girl of Google after four years of trying to breathe life into the CPR dummy that is Yahoo! is being let go and will get a golden parachute which would be enough after taxes to buy this condo in Nob Hill, this lakefront house in Tahoe and still leave a little leftover to buy a Dippin’ Dots franchise and open it on Pennsylvania Avenue just to troll Sean Spicer.

Not bad, but nothing compared to her male tech CEO counterparts.

Fucking Tom Freston (know the name? Of course you don’t) got close to $101 million to leave Sumner Redstone when he, ready? Failed to acquire MySpace. Yeah, that’s nine figures a decade ago for making a mistake that wasn’t really a mistake.

Then there’s Lou Gerstner whose name you probably bandy around the dinner table like a shuttlecock at a spring picnic. You don’t? To refresh your memory, Gerstner got $189 million to leave IBM in 2002 after nine years with the company. And to this day for sucking so bad he gets to use IBM’s company cars, paid-for home security and financial planning help — as well as the beck and call of the company planes. Fuck.

Then there’s my favorite, Ed Whitacre, who in 2007 got bought out of his AT&T contract for a cool $230 million. Here’s a motherfucker who, in spite of being at the helm of the largest telecommunications company in the world and getting almost a quarter fucking billion dollars to go away, never used email and never had a fucking computer in his office. Also, along with the payout, this crusty old whitehead gets fucking $24k per year in a car allowance — that’s a shit ton of blacked out Ubers, even paying surge rates — plus the use of the company jet, all his home security fees comped and all fees for his country club usage paid-in-full.

Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.

And yet the internet is pissed about Mayer’s paltry 23 large.

Why?

Because she’s a woman.

Because if there’s one thing the internet hates, it’s women.

They say all the things: It’s because she ruined Tumblr. But we all know that like your Tumblr blog, that platform wasn’t meant to last. It’s because of the $10 million/year contract extension with Katie Couric in 2015 doesn’t look so great in the light of 2017, but we can blame pregnancy (with twins!) hormones, can’t we? (That’s not sexist, btw, that’s a fucking thing.) It’s because she built a nursery next to her office (see: three kids under three.) And yet, male CEOs can build a fucking old-school coin-op video arcade with a margarita machine between every stand-up game to live out their Silver Spoons fantasies and they’re the fucking hero of LinkedIn.

Also, Yahoo! was a polished turd of ones and zeros long before she got there. Yes, CEO Jerry Yang was a dumb-ass to turn down Microsoft’s $45 billion takeover bid in 2008. Yes, Verizon probably overpaid by $4.5 billion to get Yahoo! last July when they threw down reported $4.8 billion for the dead-sea search engine. Yes, I haven’t used their fantasy football platform since 2011 so I have no idea what’s even going on at Yahoo!

But there’s more. Mayer’s exit deal, a fraction of what she would’ve gotten had she been male, is even worse than it seems. Yes, she gets an instant $3 million of go-away money but that’s barely enough to party next to Richard Branson’s Necker Island in the BVIs for the summer. And the rest is in equity, which will be in the form of Verizon stock — which is like giving a six-year-old a Millennium Falcon key chain for his (or her) birthday and saying, “We’ll make sure we buy a bigger one once the Prize Patrol Van pulls up in our driveway.”

As far as the other perks: No auto allowance, no country club fees, no private jet, no home security. Though she does get a benefits package worth about $25k which is enough for 40 iPhones or six months health care for her family of five under the forthcoming American Health Care Act.

Shitty shitty shitty deal.

And for this whole thing to happen, Mayer must be terminated without cause. Her male counterparts were given fucking embroidered hats, watches worth more than what’s currently in your 401k and pens with their initials etched on them. Hell, fucking computer-illiterate impetigo blister Whitacre got a whole building named after him.

Ugh.

Granted, Mayer hasn’t done too poorly over the course of her first 18 years in the workforce. During her single presidential term at Yahoo! she pocketed more than $200 million in salary which isn’t bad for the one-time Stanford dance nerd who joined Google in ‘99 as employee no. 20 and the company’s first female engineer. (Yes, she still has Google money, lots of it, probably enough to make her net worth well over a half-billion dollars.)

…To a large extent, she’s earned every mutherfucking cent — and then some. She straight wrote code for Google’s search functionality, oversaw design of the company’s no-frills homepage and was also on the team of three who invented Google AdWords, the algorithm that essentially turned the company into the most valuable enterprise in the world and, well, fucking devastated all other forms of media. Google’s 2016 Q4 revenue was almost $30 billion. For the seamstress who helped to sew that all together at the get-go to be worth 1/60th of one 90-day stretch, in toto, is not just peanuts, it’s peanut shells.

But what do you expect? She is only a woman after all.

Just a quick scan of some of the comments re: her paltry go-away sum would make you think she got that amount for joining ISIS and holding your children hostage while making them watch season one of Vinyl on a loop:

What a sad and dismal failure MM is. Coat-tail riding schlep that can’t even value IP correctly. I guess she was “leaning in”?

A pitifully inept CEO gets the best outcome after running the company head-first into the dirt.

Sad turn of events, Dumped by Google founder / named first born son a dumb name, married a loser who hates the homeless prop Q in an attempt to have homeless people shoved out of sight. Dresses and acts like the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette. Lives in the 38th-floor penthouse suite at the Four Seasons Hotel in San Francisco like Elvis.

(Fuck.)

And the follow-up:

Don’t forget the part about her brother beating the hell out of his girlfriend (in a four seasons condo she bought for him) and big sis bailing him out.

I’m so sick to my stomach. She was rewarded for driving this company into the ground..

Still this would have been a better deal for yahoo if they had fired her in 2010. Haha

“For this whole thing to trigger, Mayer must be terminated without cause.” Demote her and put her to work in the cafeteria in Building C. Let her work the rest of her career there.

Hope you’re proud of yourself internets.

Mayer’s contributions are the reason they found the article about her in the first place and the reason my search unearthed those comments. And while the misogynist trolls continue to stew in oblivion, hopefully Mayer gets to go away, very far away, and enjoy the money she’s earned by, you know, taking risks, creating something and not backing down.

And hopefully the next female CEO we brand as a failure will at least be paid a fraction of what she’s worth to endure it.

Andrew J. Pridgen is the author of the novellaBurgundy Upholstery Sky”. His first full-length novel will be released in late-2017.

 

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