Each week, during college football season DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and (sometimes) what to drink while doing it

AJ,

Whipping on Brady Hoke has been a pastime of sorts since you and I started this column back in 2014. The former Michigan headman and former Oregon D-coordinator has been responsible for, or in the vicinity of, enough shitty football in that time that the ribbing is unsurprising and well-deserved. Plus, dude definitely looks like Fred Flintstone if Pebbles’ pop talked about “punching people in the mouth” and “doing the things we need to do to win a football game,” and “hey, are you gonna eat your fat?”

I was pretty amused at first when I saw this brief item on ESPN.com that Hoke plans to wear a headset while serving out the remainder of the season as Tennessee’s interim coach after Butch Jones’ firing this week. That’s a break with tradition, as Hoke never bothered to wear a headset while stalking the sidelines for Michigan, which really pissed off the brie-and-wine crowd in Ann Arbor. As if Brady Hoke has ever said one useful thing on a football sideline. That man was born to slap helmets or asses—depending on the score—and loudly ignore obvious concussions.

The only thing a headset is going to do is subject his entire coaching staff to the same stream of inane babble his Volunteer players will have to spend a lifetime trying to decipher.

The Hoke news report stopped being whimsical when it got down to its buried lede at the end of the piece: “Tennessee athletic department spokesman Zach Stipe said Hoke will be receiving $50,000 in supplementary pay per month while working as Tennessee’s interim head coach. Hoke already was earning $500,000 annually as Tennessee’s defensive line coach.”

Holy shit.

Let’s unpack this, starting from the bottom: Brady Hoke, a man whose last defense at Michigan gave up six first downs’ worth of penalty yards per game, and whose Ducks defense last season gave up the second-most points per game in all of Division 1, somehow got Butch Jones to pay him half a million dollars to teach some big strong guys how to be big and strong while wearing helmets and pads.

On top of that, his agent either had the stones to negotiate MORE money for his services when Tennessee tapped him to serve out its 2-3 remaining games, OR the guy just had to say yes if they were stupid enough to offer it.

NCAA sports are truly unbelievable. When a man notable only for his boxlike body and inability to coach winning football can out-earn Cody Bellinger for the simple act of walking Tennessee’s 2017 season to the electric chair without further incident, we’ve crossed the Rubicon. It’s little wonder those dipshits from UCLA felt entitled to a few pairs of Louis Vuitton shades in China last week. Grown men are robbing noble institutions from Westwood to Knoxville for far, far more, and getting bonused out for failing sideways.

AJ, I’ll check in on the ACC, B1G, and yes, the SEC, on the flop, because I’m still interested in feeding this beast. What say you?

Kyle,

Brady Fucking Hoke. Wow. Quick admission: After knowing—knowing like you know that pregnancy test is going to be negative… till it’s not (sorry, I’ve been trying to get all my 2015-and-earlier jokes dusted off and shipped out for good before the first of the year)—that Hoke was going to define the end of not only the Mark Helfrich era but the death knell in the juggernaut Oregon football decade-plus that was the early ‘00s, I had no idea he was off COBRA so soon.

Oregon football to me is like Duran Duran is to most people: They came out of nowhere. They surprised, titillated, teased and tortured with fast couture and faster attitudes. It was a fun, frenetic, wild ride. Then one day, as if the wheel had abruptly stopped spinning and landed on “ugh”, it was over. And they were gone. Once in awhile you hear them on the radio, but the youthful flash, the sideways smiles, it all faded. In its wake, nothing.

Hoke was the introduction of that big, fat nothing.

So, please forgive me for the fact that I had NO idea Hoke actually landed a gig—not just at all, but like that very next season after his dismissal and in the SEC…. But it gets better: This mutherfucking third runner-up in your hometown’s Fourth of July Weekend pie eating contest is also pocketing an extra $700k this year AND next year from his time at Oregon.

Hoke, was only paid $400k to lose football games at Oregon in 2016 but was promised almost three quarters of a million dollars this year and next… Yes folks, it was worth 140,000 Little Caesars pizzas per year for two years to have Hoke get the fuck out of Track Town.

But it gets EVEN FUCKING BETTER THAN THAT.

When Hoke was fired from Michigan at the end of December 2014, he agreed to a $3 million buyout to be paid in 24 monthly installments of $125k each. So all of 2015 and all of 2016 Hoke got paid one hundred twenty fucking five large EVERY MONTH as if he’d won nine consecutive Publishers’ Clearing House sweepstakes on top of his Oregon salary and severance and all that Tennessee money that’s coming to him this year and beyond.

Let it be known that in 2016, Hoke made a cool $1.9 million ($1.5 from Michigan plus $400k from Oregon) to help the Ducks to a 4-win season, period.

And in 2017, he’ll make at least $650k for Tennessee ($500k/mo. Baseline, $50k extra for at least three months for the HC gig), plus an additional $700k from Oregon, which puts him in the $1.25 million stratosphere.

Still no word on what his buyout is going to be from Tennessee once they get a new administration in, but it should be formidable.

In total, Hoke made an improbable $14.4 million while at Michigan to post a record that worsened each of his four seasons before he was finally dismissed for going 5-7 in 2014.

Tally it up and Hoke has made around $17.5 million over the last six seasons doing nothing but losing. Then again, we have a man who’s done nothing but go bankrupt and use the tax code in his favor along with lying and stumblefucking his way up the foodchain to the highest office in the land deploying nothing but greed, smarm, bully tactics and fakery. So it makes sense that Brady Hoke and his charmless blubbering 59-year-old mass of Dayton, Ohio-bred inequity would grow his stack to three-to-five generation rich for his inability to perform under pressure in this system that seems to only reward the worst of the worst.

And don’t forget, even if he does nothing but simply wake up next season and pour out some Crunch Berries in his boxers while he annoys the shit out of his wife for simply being around, he gets $700k in that bank account—so far—for the effort.

This is, truly, a perverse system. …So how bout those picks Kyle. How bout ‘em? 🙂

AJ,

Here we go:

Michigan @ Wisconsin -7

It’s going to be about 35 and rainy at Camp Randall. I’m taking the team with the better rushing stats—Wisconsin gains 245 yards per game on the ground and gives up just 81, while Michigan gains 208 and gives up 110. While I’d normally give the Wolverines a little more credit for their strength of schedule, you can throw out the record books when the gales of November start blowing.

Virginia @ Miami -19.5

Picking against the U hasn’t been working for me, so go Canes.

(Editor’s note: 😂)

LSU -16 @ Tennessee

Things on Rocky Top will probably get a little out of hand when the Tigers come calling. Head Coach Ed Orgeron—who is shaped like a box—shouldn’t have to look hard to see himself in Brady Hoke, a fellow retread on his last credible coaching stop. Shame and self-loathing, like that the 7-3 Tigers coach may feel, manifests as cruelty to the innocent, in the words of Anne Rice. I think Hoke is going to feel Orgeron’s cruelty in Knoxville.

Kyle,

All this and some college hoops:

Utah State -10 vs. Hawaii

This is my Green Eggs on Ham, my candied yams, my tin of Spam, my squirt of Pam, my toast on jam type of pick. The Aggies know how to contain big Mountain West offenses and their fleet-a-foot/strong-armed QB you’ve never heard of Jordan Love is going to send his team to bowl eligibility this week. Nick Rolovich’s Warriors have a young and promising offense led by QB Dru Brown, who has only thrown eight picks this season, so they don’t make a ton of mistakes and are getting better game-over-game, but in the end it’s a tale of two teams. Senior Day in Logan will bring out the un-fair-weather fans and Hawaii, who should be more like a 20-point dog, will be battling cold weather (highs in the low 40s) altitude and jet lag.

Arizona PK @ Oregon

Not sure why this line bumped down to pick ‘em (I believe the Ducks opened as three-point dogs at home.) Oddsmakers still, perhaps to a fault, favor the Ducks at Autzen, but those days are over. The Wildcats (7-3, 5-2 Pac-12) are playing for bowl significance and the Ducks (5-5, 2-5) are trying to justify sneaking into the Cure bowl (which I thought was a bowl honoring the band and all teams got to wear black and guyliner; I was wrong.) Both seasons hang in the balance at 4 p.m. PST. Justin Herbert (collarbone) is back under center for the Ducks and he could be a big factor as the Wildcats’ inexperienced secondary is their singular weakness. Arizona QB phenom Khalil Tate runs a fast-break style offense which could be one of the biggest tests of the year thus for for Oregon DC Jim Leavitt’s stingy defense (second-fewest points allowed in the PAC-12 thus far and second-best rushing defense in the nation.) In the end, Arizona is just a faster, more up-tempo team and Oregon is a program in flux with first-year HC Willie Taggart’s name being bandied around for the vacant Tennessee and Florida jobs. There’s a psychological effect when those rumors start to swirl that manifests in players’ attitudes on the field.

Utah +17.5 @ Washington

Utah’s season can only be defined by near-misses. They destroyed UCLA only to be nicked by Stanford, Wazzu and USC at the buzzer. A couple more seconds off the clock and the Utes might well be looking at a one- or two-loss record. As it is, they’re 5-5 with only a pair of wins in-conference. They won’t beat the Huskies, but they’ll do what they’ve done all year and play them close in Seattle.

UCLA @ USC (Over 71)

I’m so so tempted to take UCLA and the 15 points in this, my favorite rivalry game of the season, but I’ll refrain Kyle, burned too, too many times by the Bruin. As you pointed out via text, errant UCLA betting and vetting follows me around like a Charlie Brown cloud. Since both programs are, like the rest of the West, out of contention, Saturday’s affair at the coliseum has simply boiled down to a Senior Bowl-type showcase for the QBs: UCLA’s Josh Rosen and SC’s Sam Darnold—the duo promises to be the schools’ first top-5 draft pair since Troy Aikman and Rodney Peete shared the honor in 1989. What does this mean for the viewer? Points, points, points, points, points, points, points.

*Hoops Alert*

Kyle, it’s no secret I’m ready for this football season to be over. No schools within 1,800 miles and two time zones of me are in contention to get into the money-grabbing, corporate-lanyard, ratings-anemic, dragged-out (why the fuck are we still talking about college football in mid-January???… let them go to class) biggest case for actually paying these poor athletes that they have the nerve to call a playoff. So why the fuck should I care? (Also, there are 50-million plus who live here, and we are not only the most populous part of the nation but its economic driver. The money we generate pays for you assholes to sit at home and yell at Fox News between Saturdays as your ankles engulf your toes… you’re fucking welcome Football America.)

‘K, wow. I think I just ruined next week’s intro.

On to hoops!

Utah State +18 @ Gonzaga

The Zags at home are clearly the better team, though the Aggies, who made a surprise tourney appearance in 2011, seem to be back. They are led by juco transfer DeAngelo Isby and sophomore guard Koby McEwan. Utah State’s staunch D in the early-goings is holding opponents to 61.7 points per game and McEwen and Isby can both get into transition and hit from the outside. Gonzaga guards Corey Kispert and Zach Norvell have a little size advantage on the backcourt from Logan and junior centers Quinn Taylor and Alex Dargenton, both a GENEROUS 6’8”, will have trouble underneath vs. the Zags’ Johnathan Williams, Killian Tillie and Rui Hachimura. If the hardcourters from Logan can keep this early season tilt up-tempo and stay out of trouble on the boards then they should find themselves within single-digit striking distance late in the 2nd half and at least get out of Spokane with pride intact.

Last Week:

Kyle: 2 and 2

AJ: 5 for 6 (fuck you UCLA!)

Overall:

Kyle: 22 for 35

AJ: 21 for 37

This week:

AJ:

Utah State -10 vs. Hawaii

Arizona PK @ Oregon

Utah +17.5 @ Washington

UCLA @ USC (Over 71)

*Hoops Alert*

Utah State +18 @ Gonzaga

Kyle:

Michigan @ Wisconsin -7

Virginia @ Miami -19.5

LSU -16 @ Tennessee

 

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